What We Think

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I was so busy today. Two doctor’s appointments, one for Al and one for me. Running errands for Al here and there. I am beat. Another reason I am beat is for the last two nights Al has slept for about five hours each night.

I want to apologize for not doing what I enjoy and commenting and liking your posts today. I just can’t do it. I am too exhausted and am praying for an early sleep.

Last night Al was having a rough night. Not with the illness itself, but with the mental part of understanding of his illness.

He evidently had been pondering on his funeral. He was asking me questions and I was answering the best I could. Then he started crying and was actually getting upset. He started getting mad at our Aunt in Florida and our half-sister.

The conversation went pretty much like this.

” This illness is going to take my life and no one cares. I fight and fight and I can’t get it to go a way. One of these days I am going to lay in a casket. Who is going to be at my funeral? I bet Aunt Mary won’t be there. She don’t like me. She wouldn’t come see me when we were in Florida. She never sends you letters through your computer. She never calls me. She don’t like me. I bet she don’t even remember who I am. Do you think Julie will come? Julie doesn’t care about me either. You told her I was sick and she doesn’t come see me. Do you think she will be at my funeral?”

This is a good part of the conversation I heard last night. He was really crying and I think he really wishes his aunt and sister would come to his funeral. He told me no one would be there but me.

I told him all of us would be there. I told him everyone from his old work place would be there and his church. I told him that it would be one of the biggest funerals I have ever been too.

I don’t know what or butterflieswill be there, but I do know when I told him it would be a big funeral and so many there would be just for him, he seemed to settle a little. The tears went from gushing to a slow stream.

Al must be doing a lot of thinking. It feels strange because he is having good days again but yet his mind is on his death.

40 thoughts on “What We Think”

  1. Hi Terry so sad you are going through this right now. But since Al is thinking about his funeral why don’t you ask him if he wants to plan how he would like his service to be, what prayers, readings, music. Maybe this will make him feel like he has some control over what is happening to him. Ask him what clothes he wants to be buriend in etc…… My friend Lisa planned out some of the things she wanted at her service. Also her mom and sister had put together memory boards with pictures of Lisa throughout her life. It really helped those of us left behind and may give a postive spin to what you are going through right now. I hope this helps and does not seem inappropiate to you.

    ivonne

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  2. I’ve been in Cinci for a few months but I’ve been trying to figure out your handle because I’ve been wondering how you are. The only downside to following those whom follow me… you get em mixed up. Well, I’ve been reading and am caught up as much as your exhaustion will allow, glad I found ya’ both because it’s hit me throughout the past few months. God bless you, a favorite quote about how much more beautiful your tired soul is becoming through these times. Sorry if I’ve quoted it to you before as it’s important to be reminded of it, personally I’ve never tired of it. I’ll say a prayer for your strength and reward along with dear Al. – Adam “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat,
    known suffering,known struggle,
    known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.
    These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern…
    Beautiful people do not just happen…Elizabeth Kubler Ross

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  3. Sweet Friend, remind him that he will have all of us here from around the world as well in heart and in spirit there. Friends from across the globe praying and rejoicing as he goes home to his heavenly Father. We have shared this journey as well, and he has moved into many hearts as have you. I know that if I know when it is, I will be spending that time in quiet prayer for your family. Love you.

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  5. How difficult for yu, Terry. bless you for keeping up his spirits when you are probably having difficulty keeping your own spirits up! Do let him help plan as others have suggested unless he has done all that already. Take care.

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  9. Like others have said I would let him have a hand in planning his funeral, whether we are ill or not it is a fact at some point we are all going to have one and I actually think it is a really healthy thing to discuss with your loved ones exactly what you want or don’t want. my best friends mum died at the age of 38 leaving her at the age of 19 to decide what her mum would have wanted, the problem was she had lots of family around who wanted to help but all had different ideas of who her mum was and what she would have wanted. I keep a letter in a drawer with my wishes written down and occasionally it gets changed when I change my mind about a song or no longer fit in an outfit I had chosen lol it can also be worth looking ahead at the practicalities to make sure you can make all his wishes come true, for example I think you said he wants to be interred with your parents, is it possible for that or will there need to be cremation and then the ashes interred? I only ask because here in the UK there are now regulations that mean people cannot be cremated in their own clothes in some areas and have to wear gowns of a special material (to do with pollution) discussing these things now may seem a little macabre but it is easier to do it now when not trying to deal with your grief and gives you time to find solutions for any problems in meeting his wishes you may encounter and will avoid you feeling the guilt I know you will if you cannot make his last wishes come true xxx

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    • Al and I have just began to touch base with his funeral. He has a plot reserved for him right beside our Mom. I know that he does like this. Because of your comment I will have suggestions and hopefully he can fill in the blanks for me. thank so much my friend

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  11. We all fear something. Yet many of us are afraid to express those fears; Al is not. In my own life I can echo his sentiments and understand his fear. I am thankful for finding Al and yourself in these writings. God has a special place for you both. Tell Al that even if no one comes to his funeral, God will be there watching and smiling; holding out His hand and saying “Welcome home Al, welcome home.”

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    • what a beautiful comment M.R. I will tell him this. This brings me so much comfort that will allow me to speak to Al even more about this topic, hugs and God bless

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  14. How sad – my heart just goes out to him. I agree that you should let him know we are all here praying for him and think of him often. I think it is a good idea about the cards, but instead of waiting til that day would now be a better time so he can enjoy them and get some encourgement? We can all send cards again later.

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  16. It is still not a bad thing to talk about funerals, if htat occupies him at the moment, but talking about it will give him peace of mind. My parents started to talk about it too and I always started crying but they needed to tell me what they had arranged as it was to their liking and they felt good doing so. It is a hard subject but it needs to be dealt with. It will give Al inner peace and so you need to give him the information.
    Big hugs!

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  17. Terry ~ you tell Sweetheart Al that whether he believes it or not, sees it or nnot, his Heavenly Father and thousands of angels will be praising him for having faced this affliction with such gracefulness and courage ! We only want those that loved us without hypocrisy beside us! Jesus had no more than 5 by his bleeding feet. You’re in my prayers ~ Debbie

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