Have You Ever Told Yourself?

Have you ever told yourself, I don’t know what to do, but when the time is right, I will know it.

This is how I have been feeling for a while now. I would think differently and probably not even bother writing this so I do not bore you, but it has been some time and my gut keeps saying,.now Terry, now is the time.

Yet I am pushing it back like it is water trying to go over the cliff. I am the sandbag and yet water trickles around my veins.water

I have seen it coming. I can feel his  pain. Yet I stand and do nothing but hold on tight for his life.

Today, the shower girl told me that Al was bending over much more quickly than he used to making it hard to transfer him to a shower chair.

Yes, I know he can have his shower in bed. Yes, I know things can get much worse. But what concerns me is Al’s livelihood. What will happen to the little bit of spirit once I put the stop sign out.

Al is getting very hard to transfer alone. I keep in mind that I am going to interview a gal tomorrow night to help put him in bed. But that is not the only time he transfers. What about the mornings? What about at his Day Program? What about the risk of putting Al in other people’s hands? What if he falls?

It is here. He is getting too weak to transfer. His legs scream out in pain each time he gives his all to transfer. It may be only three steps but the first one most of the time anymore doesn’t even get taken.skeleton

I know the way I send him to Day Program is through multiple medications to get through the day. He has a special wheelchair that lays back so he can nap and keep his swollen feet up.

I can barely do the holding of him any longer. The shower girl is struggling. I know I need to put a stop to the Day Program or cut his hours down, but I am struggling with the words.

I have spoken to Al about cutting down to half-days and he just starts crying. He loves socializing. He doesn’t ever want to stop. He can’t get from me what he needs from someone other than just a sister. He needs his own space and his own friends.

But yet my inner voice says it is time. How do I do it? How can I break his heart? I just don’t think I can pull it off. What will he have left? Home and his TV? At this point I don’t even know if his cars and coca cola could begin to satisfy his inner urge for normalcy.

He told me before his shower, through flowing tears, that he wishes Mom would just stick her arm a little further down to him so he could reach out and grab it. I hate being a pile of mush crap, but once again, I left the shower girl to tend to Al’s tears and I hid in my bedroom crying.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Lord, lord hear my cry. I am a coward Lord. Please don’t make  me do this to him. I will do anything for you Lord if you just take him home before I have to say no to Day Program. Help me Lord, hear my cries. Take this off of my shoulders Lord. Can’t you see I love him? Don’t you realize it will tear me up inside more than him not going? I beg of you Lord, relieve him. Take him out of his pain. Let him sit near you. Let me know that he is walking again, and most of all Lord, show me a sign that he is smiling.

Daily Prompt; Procrastination

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt

What have you been putting off doing? Why?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us TIME.

Oh this is an easy one for my eyes to rest on. The problem is action. Actions speak louder than words. Have you ever heard of that? I used to say it often when my kids were younger. You can still catch me using that phrase today.

A lot of you know me pretty well by now. So you realize on this Sunday  morning when Al is napping I want to desperately  get off this chair, push it close to the desk so the space to squeeze in, even a mouse would stand back and rub his whiskers wondering if he could do it.mouseonfrog

I want to clean. I am procrastinating against cleaning. You ask what? Oh my gosh! She doesn’t want to clean?shocked_woman

I made a deal with myself this morning. I was going to actually sit down with Al while he ate. I was going to watch the Dr. Charles Stanley show with him. I did these two things. I didn’t even clean the cat box right a way. What’s one more turd to the pile? Really, it can wait, and I am not even wearing that clothes pin over my nose yet.

I did clean his bathroom, but how could I not. I cleaned his body from over night accidents.maid

Hey, I am still in my night-gown, does that tell you anything?846-02796238

I will get around to it today, just not yet. I am not going to be in a hurry. I realize it will be waiting for me any old-time.

I told myself, relax, just do it, it’s Sunday!

Best Moments Award

I have a brand new friend and follower. To my amazement I met her through being nominated for the Best Moments Award.telephone I was reading my emails and comments and then I heard an inner sound. Ring, ring, please read me next.Best-Moment-Award


This is where I found my award sitting waiting for me to open it and read.

Let’s take a look at what this blogger is all about. Here is what I discovered.

Currently living in England, I studied art. For about 4 years but gave it up for “real life”. Trying to find my flow some common ground, to live but also live out my passion, just be happy.


So reasons for my blog, well to try to get my stuff out there.


Stuff being: art work; that’s digital as well as good old-fashioned paint pencil etc.
Poetry: I love writing and just putting my thoughts down sometimes a painting can say a thousand words but sometimes a thousand words are needed.
Photography: I love snapping things and just seeing everyday life through my lens. Capture things people miss.
Reviews: I like to think my opinion might matter, though I’m not to sure, but if I can help you choose between what I think works or doesn’t ill try to help.


Hope you enjoy…. By the way I’m new to the world of blogging bare it me while I get used to it.


Oh and follow me on twitter as well as on here to keep track of my progress … See me. Grow in this ever. Expanding world.

Ah, I see she and I have some things in common. She loves art and drawing. Gee, I wonder if she has noticed my terrible sketches yet…….probably not or she wouldn’t have nominated me. LOL

I see she likes to sketch with pencils, so do I. She loves photography and hey, so do I. She has something I admire in a person. She has faith in herself and is not afraid to express it. Where I am still somewhat in awe when people compliment me. I tend to hide behind a mask and turn a blushing pink.mask

Well thank-you very much Lotus for thinking of me and I can see already that we are going to be good friends.

What about you my friends, doesn’t she sound nice? Please go and visit her. Every one likes visits.

I have accepted this nomination before but I just love nominating so without further hesitation here are a few I would like to choose.

Sheila Morris





With The Morning Sun

With the morning sun                                                         http://youtu.be/Bj1AesMfIf8

Brings with it

A new eye

New hope

Renewed faith

With the morning sun                                              sunlight

I can smile once again

Put yesterday’s

Fears aside

Reach out

To someone

Say hello

To the ones I see

With the morning sun

I can say


For one more chance.

Written by

Terry Shepherd