We Have to Stop Meeting So Late Like This

After a terrible night last night and little sleep the illness didn’t give in and has had its way with Al all day today and up until now. His tremors got so bad that I had no choice but to call Hospice. They sent a nurse to see Al.

Al was so anxious to see her. He kept repeating over and over to me, ” I’m not going to make it until she gets here. Is she here yet?”

” No bud, not yet.”

When she did arrive she spent some quality time with Al, but so did someone else. Rhino, our fatty catAl and Rhino kept hanging around. He would jump up on Al and lick his nose, then he was doing his thing to Al’s belly. You know, it looked like he was kneading bread dough. I don’t mean that in any bad way, but Rhino kept digging his clawless paws in Al’s stomach, then he would reach up and kiss Al’s nose.

When I shooed him down, he sat right at the side of the recliner and mewed. I tried to get him to leave the room but he hid under Al’s leg lift of his recliner. The nurse examined Al and then suggested that tomorrow they take him to Hospice house for five days.

Being able to observe Al’s extreme sweating and tremors, hopefully getting an idea of how to change medications in some way or form. Al was for it but he kept insisting he wasn’t going to be here next week. He kept going on and on telling the nurse he was dying.

The more he talked the more the nurse listened. The room became quiet except for Rhino. Rhino kept getting louder. He would jump up on Al’s bed and then back to Al’s lap. I guess if the regular Hospice nurse and Hospice doctor agree he will be leaving tomorrow.

Five days are so long to me. Who can care for Al better than me? Who can hold his hand and wipe his tears better than me? Then I stopped and thought, but what if they can adjust his medications so he can rest better?

This is when I decided to let him go if everyone involved feels it is the best for him. What is five days really compared to the pain he endures by the seconds. Before she left she gave him a very strong dose of pain medication and gave follow-up orders for me for the rest of the night.

After she left I sat with him for a while. He is barely a wake so I decided to bring my broken heart to you. It helps, yes it does. It makes me feel like I am actually talking to someone who cares. I need you, my friends, much more than you need me.

I look around the room and I see no one here. I don’t hear the phone ring. No one is asking me how Al and I are. What I do hear is the cat meowing in Al’s room and a little rattle from Al’s bed rails.

I hope that he and I get some sleep tonight. He has slept about fifteen minutes today and of course I had that hour and a half early this morning. I am tired too as Al is emotionally and physically drained.

As I walked the Hospice nurse to her car I heard those old familiar words again. This is the third time I have heard them and I can’t say that I like it. ” Al isn’t going to die tonight, but he doesn’t have months left either.”

I hear those stabbing words even as she is gone. Part of me is thanking God for taking Al out of his misery. The other part of me is silently weeping as I will lose the last of my family.

msa logobook4

Daily Prompt; Secret of Success


DP, Daily Prompt

What would it take for you to consider yourself a “successful blogger”? Is that something you strive for?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us EFFORT.

I probably should not be making an effort to write for the prompt today. My brain is so tired. I can’t begin to know where to start. What should the first sentence be?

Maybe it should be, If I could change anything I would do this.

If I could change anything I surely would boost Al‘s appetite back to normal. He has tinkered with the idea that he is dying. That led to a domino effect. Less eating, less energy, less appetite.

I look at the photos of yesterday and I see that small smile on his face.car show I can not begin to express in worldly words what this means to me. I will take the credit for placing it there on his cute face.

It was hard work getting him there and we paid the price of dollars on a gold bar for going, but it was still worth that smile. Last night around 10pm, everything changed.

Number one he got red from being out in the sun. I could have kicked myself for not thinking of a sun protector. I did think of it while we were there. He was in the sun for an hour and I held him in place in the shade the other hour.

Maybe it is his tender skin or a combination of his medications and skin, but he got red. He started complaining and I put cold cloths on his shoulders. I put an ointment on it also. But this started a night of living hell for both of us.

His tremors started up like someone was doing the jitterbug dance.dancing swing This continued with crying and me holding his hand while he questioned me again about heaven and God.

One of the big symptoms of M.S.A. is his internal furnace. It doesn’t know how any longer to regulate. So along with the red shoulders he kept leaving shadows under him of heavy sweating.

Starting at 11:30pm I changed his sheets three times. I answered his call light about every half-hour until six this morning. He either wanted to be turned in a different direction or he wanted water.

I would change everything inside this house. I would zap his illness a way. Toss it to the heavens.monstersnew-day.jpeg I would command him to walk once again.skeleton

He would no longer be tired. He would be full of energy and not drag butt.drag

He would sleep in any position he wished and he would not have to ring his bell to be repositioned.cat nap 1

Life would be new, fresh and a new beginning.

But all I can do is get on my knees and pray to God to do his will with Al. All I can do is wait patiently and love him and cling to my faith.girl-praying

I don’t know today what is the secret to success.

I don’t even know if I really made any statement other than my own deep desires.

I do know that I will hold on as long as Al does and I will continue with God’s help to remain strong. I will continue to show support to Al when he needs it. I will always say those three little words, I love you, so he always knows he is not alone. Maybe this is my success in the world, being a sister.