I Know It’s Late


I wanted to go to bed. I am tired and worn from today. Being out in the sun and pushing Al in his wheelchair, lifting it in and out of the car drains me. I was going to go to bed but I had to change Al once more for the evening.

That was it, it was over. No more happy minutes for this day. Ending in sadness, and too many tears.

My brother is so scared

And yet wants the pain to leave

He and I notice too many changes

His body is wearing down

Tears and tears streaming

Questions about mainly why

He wants to go to heaven

But he is too scared

He wants to get better

But he knows it isn’t going to happen

Sitting on his bed

Holding his hands

Tremors from him

Shaking my body

Gives me some sense

Of what he is going through

Each minute of the day

I used every word I could

I tried to bring him comfort

But it is impossible to do

When he knows he is

Slipping a way

Hearing his words

Breaks my heart

As he tells me he

Feels like he won’t

Be here next week

How can I go

To my own bed

And rest knowing

He is still crying

I could not stop the tears.

tears

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

08/25/2013

30 thoughts on “I Know It’s Late

  1. Terry, I feel so deeply for you both – and what you go through together – is tough and rough and … the happy days will become less and less. As I have told you so many times, you are so strong and amazing in all this … I know it’s the your love for Al that drives you.
    I can understand that Al wants to give up – my mom was the same in the end … but she was never scared – she knew that it can only be better for her and that is what was most important for me.
    Some tears I don’t think is meant to be stopped … some tears we have to fell – they give us relief and also calmness.

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    • I am not sure what Al is truly scared of. I think not knowing for sure what will happen. I can understand but I would think at this point he would want the pain gone. hugs my friend

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    • it is getting so hard, this whole mess, his tremors are out of control. he is wearing down and is so exhausted. I am so thankful that you do not have to deal with this with your beloved Ants

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  2. I second what Viveka says, Terry.
    There’s a phrase that kept my mom going around the time my grandmother was very serious; even today, when things get way too much for her (I’m barely home), I tell her, c’est la vie.
    ‘Such is life.’
    I am really proud of how well you have taken care of Al. The love shows.
    Just know that whatever happens eventually, will be for the best.

    Love and hugs.

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    • you are so right, and until recently I fought tooth and nail to keep Al with me at any expense, but no more. He is suffering so much on his bad days, that I wish Jesus to heal him and if it means taking him to heaven then so be it

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  3. All I can share with you is my experience with my grandfather. I held his hand the day he died. I sat by his hospital bed (provided by the veterans) and I just knew that this was the day he’d be leaving us. After months of suffering, seeing his once healthy body turn to bones was horrible. Trying to find foods that he could swallow, putting pills in his mouth, crushing them up to pour down his throat. MAKING him eat, and take the medicine but his body was too tired. He was a survivor. He had so many surgeries, including heart it was almost as if he had to have everything, that was just his way, he survived cancer long ago and he was 92. Picking him up,getting him in his wheelchair, to the portable potty (again provided by the veterans) and then the day he couldn’t be moved any longer and the diapers came to be all day and bed liners. The smell lingers forever in the mind. But all I wanted was to not lose him. He had a stroke again and could only move his right side. I would massage his feet. I hated the feeling of being powerless to help him. Of leaving the house to take my son to school only to rush home to care for my grandpa. We miss him so much it hurts and I’m crying as I write this. Your position in one word ‘sucks’. But it’s life and we do all we can to comfort those we love no matter how hard, how impossible it may seem or however long we must continue down this hard road paved ahead of us. When you look down that road you cannot see where it ends, how far it extends but peace will come. You’ll know it, you won’t like it but it will come. Always here for you. I’ve lived through his death and believe me, his last breath was an exhalation of relief from pain, from suffering, from not being able to take care of himself, from once being this strong man and now literally bones. His eyes faded to a light blue. But he was gone before his body stopped working. His eyes stopped blinking at 2pm and his body at 3:23 and then to freak us all out, 3:24 was a final breath from the body for his soul was gone. I could see that when I looked into his eyes that stopped blinking. I helped him blink, gently moving his eyelashes closed over and over. I hate losing those we love. I hate the pain you feel and that of what Al feels, But I believe that in all this suffering there is relief and the paradise that awaits Al is amazing. What is something he loved the most? My grandpa loved fishing, hunting and playing cards. So he joined by dad and uncle and they’re playing a mean game of poker right now, wherever souls go for I know they go somewhere. When I was baptized I had a unique experience. For the split second that I was under water, I felt Jesus and though he said life would be hard, he knew I would make it and that there would be more ‘after’. I take the ‘after’ to mean when my soul leaves this body I am in. The main thing that makes a human cling to their body and not release their soul is fear. Fear of not knowing where he or she will go or if we just don’t exist anymore. We don’t go poof. We go somewhere. And there is no more suffering. The key is to stop fear and relax. Again, he might need a reminder that it’s okay to let go. You love him and need him but wish him no more suffering and you know he’ll always be a part of your soul. Every flower you see, every hummingbird or butterfly, can bring beauty and peace to the soul here on Earth but letting go of your body is probably one of mankind’s biggest fear. I believe in you and I believe in Al.

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  4. Your words remind me of the final part of Vic’s journey! It is hard but you are bringing comfort and care to your beloved brother in his final days. Remember to take care of yourself dear friend.

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  5. Pingback: We Have to Stop Meeting So Late Like This | terry1954

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