We Have to Stop Meeting So Late Like This

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After a terrible night last night and little sleep the illness didn’t give in and has had its way with Al all day today and up until now. His tremors got so bad that I had no choice but to call Hospice. They sent a nurse to see Al.

Al was so anxious to see her. He kept repeating over and over to me, ” I’m not going to make it until she gets here. Is she here yet?”

” No bud, not yet.”

When she did arrive she spent some quality time with Al, but so did someone else. Rhino, our fatty catAl and Rhino kept hanging around. He would jump up on Al and lick his nose, then he was doing his thing to Al’s belly. You know, it looked like he was kneading bread dough. I don’t mean that in any bad way, but Rhino kept digging his clawless paws in Al’s stomach, then he would reach up and kiss Al’s nose.

When I shooed him down, he sat right at the side of the recliner and mewed. I tried to get him to leave the room but he hid under Al’s leg lift of his recliner. The nurse examined Al and then suggested that tomorrow they take him to Hospice house for five days.

Being able to observe Al’s extreme sweating and tremors, hopefully getting an idea of how to change medications in some way or form. Al was for it but he kept insisting he wasn’t going to be here next week. He kept going on and on telling the nurse he was dying.

The more he talked the more the nurse listened. The room became quiet except for Rhino. Rhino kept getting louder. He would jump up on Al’s bed and then back to Al’s lap. I guess if the regular Hospice nurse and Hospice doctor agree he will be leaving tomorrow.

Five days are so long to me. Who can care for Al better than me? Who can hold his hand and wipe his tears better than me? Then I stopped and thought, but what if they can adjust his medications so he can rest better?

This is when I decided to let him go if everyone involved feels it is the best for him. What is five days really compared to the pain he endures by the seconds. Before she left she gave him a very strong dose of pain medication and gave follow-up orders for me for the rest of the night.

After she left I sat with him for a while. He is barely a wake so I decided to bring my broken heart to you. It helps, yes it does. It makes me feel like I am actually talking to someone who cares. I need you, my friends, much more than you need me.

I look around the room and I see no one here. I don’t hear the phone ring. No one is asking me how Al and I are. What I do hear is the cat meowing in Al’s room and a little rattle from Al’s bed rails.

I hope that he and I get some sleep tonight. He has slept about fifteen minutes today and of course I had that hour and a half early this morning. I am tired too as Al is emotionally and physically drained.

As I walked the Hospice nurse to her car I heard those old familiar words again. This is the third time I have heard them and I can’t say that I like it. ” Al isn’t going to die tonight, but he doesn’t have months left either.”

I hear those stabbing words even as she is gone. Part of me is thanking God for taking Al out of his misery. The other part of me is silently weeping as I will lose the last of my family.

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64 thoughts on “We Have to Stop Meeting So Late Like This”

  1. Sorry Terry. I think the cat senses Al’s suffering and may sense more when that time comes. I’m sorry you’re hurting but I’m glad Al is going to get some help and you hopefully a break. Hugs xo

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  2. There are no words to say Terry…this is not an easy path…but you are surrounded..always remember this..you are not alone….

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  3. When the heartache stops the real emotional pain begins… and these are the memories you gathered along your journey with your brother Al, as they are crowding your soul and looking for the floodgates to open. And, It’s true, “time heals,” and as horrible as that may sound, time has a way of helping us turn our past sorrows into tomorrows enlightenment. You will smile again, just knowing that a loved one whom you gave our all, day in and night out, to keep them with you physically and emotionally, they are truly better off than ourselves once they enter the gates of heaven. No more pain, no more heartache at the feet of God. Peace eventually takes over your mind and your way of doing your daily rounds becomes steady, and life returns to normal. I know this to be true, I have experienced the darkness of watching loved ones slip away. I hope this transition is a peaceful one for you Terry. Just remember, love lives on ever more… and eventually it will find a new way to open your heart and let the sun shine again.

    Hugs and prayers be yours…

    ~Dianne

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  4. My Grandpa had a cat which I now take care of. He sleeps at the end of my bed and my cat sleeps somewhere else. He sat on my grandparents bed all day, as close as he could get to my grandpa in his hospital bed, the day my grandpa passed away. He never laid on their bed. Animals know things. If I shout, my cat comes running, literally and meowing loudly at me to make sure I’m okay. If I’m sick, she checks in on me. Usually by sitting on my chest. We have four cats. Mine is 8. The rest are younger. Though mine is the oldest my grandma’s female, Sheba is the queen. They all tolerate each other. This is our life.It has also been proven that a cat’s purr and heart beat can calm a human’s heart and decrease anxiety. Except those nails are sharp as I learned because my grandpa’s cat, Tut Tut, sucks on his leg but digs his nails into me while doing it, kneading in the process. My grandpa taught him to do that instead of sucking on his shirt. And both cats Sheba and Tut Tut play rough because my grandparents couldn’t reach down and pick them up as kittens. They LIKE their tales pulled. Tut Tut’s even makes a BANG sound when his tail hits the wall. He needs a kitty helmet as he runs into walls with his head A LOT! HUGS and thank you for sharing this wonderful picture! Oh yes and Tut Tut DROOLS on me. Hot wet drool. Between the nails and drool it’s tough but you can’t hug him like Harley our black cat or Sweetie my ‘generic ally’ cat who I love dearly. I love them all. Grandma’s cats never got hugged as kittens because again my grandparents couldn’t lean down and scoop them up. I can kiss his tail and hug his tail just like hugging Harley or Sweetie, they purr. It’s quite bizarre. But it’s life. Sorry to ramble!

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    • you didn’t ramble. Cats have personality this is for sure. Rhino got up on Al’s chest too and made himself at home. Al finally dozed off for the first time today, so I am going to sneak in and go to bed. Thanks for chatting with me. It feels good. I will talk to you very soon

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  6. If I could package some strength and send it to you, I certainly would. May you and Al get some well-needed rest but more importantly may the Hospice House folks find a way to make him more comfortable. Don’t isolate yourself for those days that he is there either–ask them what sort of support they offer for caregivers! *hugs*

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  7. Terry, I am sorry to see Al suffer like that, and you too. You are truly his best friend as well as his sister. The cat knows Al is in pain and wants to be with him. The hospice nurses can help Al a lot. Al’s time is coming nearer, so take some time for yourself to catch up on sleep and quiet time. You will also be spending time with Al at the hospice but don’t feel that you need to spend all day there. Hopefully the hospice nurses will help Al get more restful and longer sleep. I am sending prayers to you both. May you both feel peace and the presence of God.

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    • thank you so much my dear friend. It is midnight and for the first time since this morning he finally drifted off. I hope he sleeps for a while as I am going to bed now. Talk to you very soon. Hugs

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  10. I hope you are both getting sleep right now. I pray for the hospice to be able to ease Al’s suffering and that they do take care of him for 5 days. God bless you with peace.

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  11. Hi Terry, We, your writing family, those who truly care, and those who laugh when you do, and cry with you, have not, and will never allow you to go through this most overwhelming moment alone, least of all, God. We can offer courage, give you a pep talk, and even empathize with you, but in reality, you are the only one who can truly understand your plight. We all go through a season, but thank God for the strength He gives us, as we undertake such a tumultuous trek.
    You are not alone. Let go, and let God. You are surrounded with the prayers of the faithful. Have a restful night, my friend. God loves you, and so do I. BTW, say hi to Al. Blessings

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    • I hate it that I feel alone because you are right. I have all of you. I have God. I guess it is the times I need to talk and I look around the room and no one is sitting there. I get weak minded and lean heavily on all of you. I appreciate your words reminding me I am not really alone at all. Big hugs Parrillaturi

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  12. my friend ~ Im praying Al’s peace will be sweet and that ONLY God’s perfect will be done. I always find comfort in these words:
    “Sometimes the Lord expands our vision from this point
    of view and this side of the veil, that we feel and seem to realize that
    we can look beyond the thin veil which separates us from that other
    sphere. If we can see, by the enlightening influence of the Spirit of
    God and through the words that have been spoken by the holy
    prophets of God, beyond the veil that separates us from the spirit
    world, surely those who have passed beyond, can see more clearly
    through the veil back here to us than it is possible for us to see to
    them from our sphere of action. [SW]

    “I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly
    messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separated from
    them. We begin to realize more and more fully, as we become
    acquainted with the principles of the gospel, as they have been
    revealed anew in this dispensation, that we are closely related to our
    kindred, to our ancestors, to our friends and associates and co-laborers
    who have preceded us into the spirit world. We cannot forget them;
    we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in
    memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties we
    cannot break. . . . “[They] can see us better than we can see them— . . .
    they know us better than we know them. They have advanced; we are
    advancing; we are growing as they have grown; we are reaching the goal
    that they have attained unto; and therefore, I claim that we live in
    their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they
    love us now more than ever.” [SW]

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    • these are very important words. We are moving day by day closer to God’s heaven. I get trapped in the world I live in and forget to lift that veil. Although with God’s help and my prayers Al and I were able to get three hours of sleep last night. Praise God. Thank you so much for always being a friend

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  13. Terry, I haven’t been online as much recently, and I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It is so hard to lose someone you love, and my heart breaks for you. I lost my mom in February, and my heart is still broken by the loss. I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, and I live so far away from you that I can’t even hold you in my arms while you weep, but I will share what I do have with you, and I pray that you will be comforted by it. I will offer up this prayer for you.

    Heavenly Father, I praise You for Your great love and mercy for your children, and for the great compassion You show even to those who don’t love You. Lord, You are the God who loves the whole world, and as much as Terry loves her brother, You love Al even more. Therefore, Lord, I’m asking You to arise and show Yourself strong on Al’s behalf, as the enemy attacks his body with pain and tremors.

    Lord Jesus, I pray that Al would feel Your presence with him, and that he would call upon You, for there is no other name by which a man can be saved. Please hold Al tightly in Your arms, as You gently rock him, and soothe him and comfort him, calming his tremors, and easing his pain, and I pray that when his time on earth is finished, that You would take him gently and peacefully.

    I also cry out to You for Terry, Father, as she mourns and grieves for her brother, even now. I pray, Father, that You would also hold Terry in Your arms, and allow her to feel Your presence. In Terry’s weakness, Lord, give her Your supernatural strength, and enable her to let her brother go, even though it breaks her heart to do so. Comfort Terr, give her peace, and most of all, Lord, give her a revelation of Your great love for her, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    I love you Terry, and I will continue to pray for you and Al.

    Love,
    Cheryl

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    • This was a beautiful prayer. Last night Al just couldn’t go to sleep at all. He had been a wake all day. After the nurse left I sat with him for a while watching his tremors have their way with him. Finally I went and got my Bible and started reading him verses. He finally drifted off. God helped us through the night

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      • Terry, I’m so glad Al was finally able to get some rest last night. I know you’re very busy, caring for Al and trying to keep up with your housework as well, but you need to take care of yourself and conserve your strength as well. When Al rests, you need to rest, so that you are better equipped to handle his needs and your own needs.

        Please know that I am continuing to lift you and Al up in prayer, and though you haven’t seen us in person, you have many online friends who love you and are praying for both you and Al.

        God bless you, Terry!

        Love,
        Cheryl

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  15. Sending you both much love and light…and I think the chance for you to sleep a bit and rest a bit – emotionally and physically – may be a good thing. For you and for Al. These coming days are going to require more and more of your stamina and strength and if you can have some time to restore maybe that would be ok..

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  18. so agree about the animal thing…My sister’s husband’s dog wanted to be on the bed with him…and when he passes the dog curled up into him and slept…
    I had a few tears yesterday…and my Jill looks me right in the eye and talks and lets me know she knows my feelings…talking as you say …and wanting to touch…
    What a comfort for Al…

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