In the comedy “Groundhog Day” Bill Murray experienced the same day again and again, stuck in a time loop until he got the day “right.” What day would you choose to repeat until you got it right? Do you think it’s ever possible to get life “right”?
Photographers, artists, poets: show us REPETITION.
I am going to speak on this topic from experience. I am stuck with the feeling of wanting to be perfect. The perfect child, perfect sister, perfect wife. The house must be perfect.
It sounds crazy when I sit here and read it back. I look in the mirror at my reflection and I can definitely see there is no perfect face looking back. I give very little to myself. I cut my hair shut so I don’t have to mess with it.
I used to wear make-up but when I think about it the reasons were for dating or going out with my husband. Now that I do neither of these, I guess I don’t care.
I can see my problem clearly but I don’t know how to fix it. In order for me to fix myself I need to be accepted first.
Acceptance that I needed and lusted after when I was a kid didn’t come. A broken marriage twice. My kids are great but it isn’t the relationship I so wanted and dreamed about. I wanted phone calls, home visits, get togethers and it isn’t there or barely there.
I work so darn hard at proving I am a worthy person I forget or distract my thoughts today a way from me. I figure I failed, so why bother.
I place all of my energy in caring for others. I get a satisfaction from this. It makes me feel worthy and this enables me to keep moving forward each day.
I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to look in the mirror and smile back at myself. I don’t know how to accept my body for what it really is and not what the magazines say it should be.
I see wrinkles appearing and have a huge fear of death. It doesn’t matter that I get to go to heaven, I am still scared.
Dealing with Al‘s death approaching I heard him tell me Friday that he is ready to go. Will I get to that spot too? Will I feel comfortable in my own skin to ever be as bold as he is? Facing the stages of death has been a learning experience for me.
I see what Al struggles through with thoughts of the unknown. I would think this would make me stronger. Maybe it does but not in the right areas.
I have a lot of fixing up to do and time is running out. We never know our day of final breathing will be and I know in age I am getting older by the year. So many things I can not control.
Cleaning my house trying to make it spotless will never happen. We live within these walls. I can clean and go back and clean and nothing changes. It will be dirty again in no time at all.
I am really trying to change this. I haven’t swept for two days. I only dusted once this week. These are major changes for me and a real challenge to accomplish.
So there is no day of the week that I will be perfect. God made me and he knew from the beginning I would never be perfect. So why keep beating myself up for a goal that will never happen.
What I need to do and am trying to do is accept that I am who I am. Period, no questions asked. Life sure would be a lot easier and probably calmer. I would say that I am a diamond in the rough. I can shine through. I am a little rough around the edges. But I need some extra polishing.
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