As you know from my post this morning today has not been one of Al’s good days. Moving to the noon hour I met the Hospice nurse at Al’s Day Program and we both went to see Al. He was no better. I would say he was worse because he was crying.
The nurse tried to talk to him but he could not be understood. His blood pressure was on the high side but this was attributed to his being so emotional.
He was on a high pain level and had already been given his pain medication. The nurse gave it to him again and an anxiety pill. I hope it worked because when she and I left he was still not good.
I tried to get him to stay home but he didn’t want to. The nurse told me it was time to start speaking for him. The Hospice doctor had previously stated that Al would go down faster if he remained going to the Day Program and Al was explained this.
He wants to socialize so bad he is willing to risk his life; but there is a part of me that wonders if he really understands what he is doing to himself being mentally challenged.
The nurse saw me holding back with my answer. I am sorry it is so hard to take a way from him what he wants so bad. This is all that he has left; his Day Program; at least in his eyes.
I know that Al has bad and good days, and I see the bad days slipping in more and more. The nurse told me Al was about bed-bound ready. This threw me back. Am I that naive? Do I not want to recognize he is so ill? Maybe I carry more hope than I should.
To take a way from him made me start to cry. The nurse took over which I guess was a good thing. Starting next Monday, Wednesday and Fridays Al will not be picked up until 10:40 am instead of 8:45 because of a new shower gal. So what the nurse did was decided for him to start staying home Tuesdays and Thursdays all together.
I think from what she said she is going to have the gentleman who is the Social Service worker with Hospice tell Al that he needs to cut his days down. She thinks him hearing the news from a guy will go over better.
I wish I was a robot, no heart, no feelings, no nothing. There are live people walking around like that but I am not one of them. To me, this is one more step towards Al’s end of life. I admit his body can’t take it. The bus ride, pretty much being awake all day, but the flip side is Al’s livelihood, what’s left, bed and TV and the rotten M.S.A.and a little bit of Day Program.