Underneath The Colors


colorful-chameleonThinking good thoughts about myself is something I don’t practice often. Hearing nice comments about me still makes me blush.

When I see my reflection in the mirrors, some days I can stand and look amazed at how my face is not full of wrinkles for the age I am. Other days I want to run and hide as I see what age has done to me.

I guess acceptance is something I never learned. Are we taught to accept ourselves? Is it possible that we just own it and go through life knowing we are special and unique creatures.

Since Al has been home from the nursing home I rarely have time to stand in front of my mirror and study myself. When he was temporarily a way I did have the time and became hooked on the two words, “Pity Party”.

Thank goodness I don’t do this anymore. In my eyes there was always a more beautiful creature than me. He was taller, she was thinner. I was never satisfied with who I was. I could stand in front of the mirror and count on both hands all of the flaws I see.

From  this I was telling myself I am a failure, and being so closely involved with Al’s illness God has shown me that I am most definitely not a failure.

The qualities that I know I own are not always visible to the naked eye.  God has helped me to understand that it takes time to make true friendships. He taught me that we all have problems in our lives.

Isn’t it odd how God uses Al’s illness to give me what I always lacked? Making so many friends here at WP has helped me to realize that I am real. I am not only a mother. I am a person, a child of God. I have a heart and soul.

I sometimes feel like the creature in the photo above. I am Terry. I am unique. I can be odd at times. I can scribble on paper and someone will understand what I wrote.

I love colors. I think that is what attracted me to this particular photo. To me when I first saw it I thought how ugly, but then looking at him for a spell, I saw beneath the surface. I saw the beauty.

I decided to do my own writing exercise. To see on black and white what I actually thought about me.  I look back at my words and I can hear my mother’s words coming back at me. ” It isn’t polite to talk about yourself. You are no better than anyone else.”

This is very true Mom. I am no better than her or him, but I am me, and that’s good enough in my book.

Thank- you to everyone who reads and follows my blog here at WP. I had a nudge from God to begin writing. I didn’t know where to start. God wanted me to learn things about myself, and he knew I was lost and lonely. Without you, I would still be several feet back. Hugs to all of you.

30 thoughts on “Underneath The Colors

  1. There is nothing wrong with talking about yourself except when it comes from people who are so full of themselves they can’t see anything else. And you are definitely NOT one of those types. I believe we need to affirm ourselves as well as receive affirmation from others. Proverbs says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. Negative thoughts and words bring death while positive thoughts and words bring life. Remember that the Lord affirms us, too. And I’m sure He’s telling you right now that you are beautiful in His eyes and that He made you exactly as you are because He loves you so much. His heart belongs to you because your heart belongs to Him.

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    • that is beautiful Diane. I have been working on myself in the acceptance department. Dealing with Al I am seeing what I am really made up of. I don’t fit in with what society dishes out. I am not the girl who wears beautiful clothes or a ton of make-up. I guess I am just a comfy girl in comfy clothes who cares about people. Thanks Diane, hugs

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      • Terry, I don’t really fit in either. I don’t wear much make-up, my clothes and shoes are comfortable, not necessarily fashionable. My likes and dislikes in music, style, and many other things do not comply with the so-called “norm”. After all, what is normal anyway?

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  2. Hi terry – my mother always told me that I was just as good as everyone else! Great post and I’ve spent too much time thinking I wasn’t good enough – now that I’m older my attitude is if you don’t accept me for who I am – then keep moving on!

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    • You know Mom, I used to be much more worried about acceptance than I am today also. For one caring for others doesn’t allow me the time to think about me as much and two, I have accepted that my life is what I was given today, along with looks and health. I have to live with me. I am tired and have been of trying to be what others expect. I like being comfy and that means liking me for the most part

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  3. I have a cousin that is a “Shrink”. My favorite quote of hers is “You can visit pity city but you’re not allowed to live there.”
    It is hard to stop and look at yourself. Sometimes I hate what I see and sometimes I’m OK with it. It really doesn’t matter what I think. This is what I created and must carry on and hope that the world needs me. This may sound strange but in a way you are very lucky to be so needed.

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    • I do like to be needed. I have tried to be needed growing up and in marriages, but being a caregiver you are needed. It validates me as a person. I don’t have the material things to offer others, but I do have the heart. I like your cousin’s quote. It is so real and so true

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  4. This is an issue I grapple with every day. I’ve received criticism of my appearance since I was a tiny child. Now in my sixties, I also deal with the effects of aging and some disabilities related to mobility. But when I reflect on the aging process, I try to focus on what the years have granted to me on the INSIDE:
    A sense of priorites, enabling me to sort out what is important and what is not
    A spirituality that goes far beyond an hour a week sitting in a church pew
    An appreciation for the simpler things in life, rather than a craving for things and situations that will never be mine
    An ability to see and feel things through the eyes of others, rather than rushing to judgement or anger
    And as trite as it seems, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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  5. Terry, you are beautiful, hands down, as is this picture, I love color too, I know where you are coming from, actually. I am always here for you to get ahold of. Carol

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