Nervous, Jittery is What I Feel Now


I feel fidgety

I feel my heart racing

My gut instinct

Is in fast mode

Is he dying

Here in front of me

Is this the moment

What should I do

What can I do

He and I just talked

About bright lights

And heaven’s door

Sitting in his

Recliner tremoring

Should I let him rest

I never knew whatM.S.A. logo

Feeling alone

Was until now.

Forget my signature on this. Who cares……….You all know I wrote this just now with pain

Thoughts And Prayers

This is starting the second day now with a new change, that isn’t good in our home. Al has declined eating. Not entirely, but quite a bit. Yesterday he had one item for breakfast, an Ensure for lunch, and he did eat a pretty good supper.

This morning I was happy. He asked for pancakes. He also wanted his usual craving for sugar. He never used to eat sweets but he does now. He wanted a cherry turnover. I happily fixed him the pancakes.

He ate the cherry turnover and one bite of pancakes. Well, I tried. I tried a bite to see if they were edible. Yes, they were it was just Al.

He woke up with telling me of bad dreams he has had the past few days. This morning his bad dream was that he found out he had cancer. I laughed it off telling him that this wasn’t a bad dream, it was a silly dream as we both knew he didn’t have any cancers.

Sometimes I wonder in the back of my mind if he could have prostate cancer with all the dark on his bed pads. He also told me that the other dream he had was that I got sick and I was in a wheelchair just like him.

Now he had hit a tender spot with me. Although I told him he could see with his own eyes that I was walking; it reminds me of my constant bartering with God. I always pray, Lord, you can take me home when ever you wish. You can give me any illness you want; but wait until Al takes his last breath.

I took a deep breath and changed his brief and changed the subject. His tremors were a mess this morning. I didn’t know it for a while but Al has M.S.A.-P. This means that Al has Multiple System Atrophy with Parkinson’s Disease being  prominent. So this is why we see so many tremors with him.

Al told me through tears this morning after breakfast, ” I’m sorry Terry. I am sorry I can’t eat. I feel funny.”

” How do you feel funny bud?”

” I can’t describe it Terry. I just feel funny.”

He wanted to go back to bed. He had his shower and a clean brief and was put back in bed. At least he is not thinking when he is asleep. His body gets a break from the terrible tremors when he is sleeping.

My chin is up, my prayers are strong, but my hope is diminishing and my heart is breaking as I have to walk this journey with Al, seeing him fade a way from me and this world. I think Al knows it too. I think this is what he is talking about when he refers to he can’t explain it.


The Person I Have Always Known                                       AnimatedCandleThoughtandPrayers                                                       Blue_candle

I remember him lining up cars

On the carpet, being very quiet

Living in a world all his own.

I remember his first scooter

And how proud he was

He smiled as he rode by me.

I remember his first car

And the excitement in his eyes

Independence he had never experienced

Was now his forever more.

I remember his baring his soul

When he could no longer walk

The tears in his eyes

Questions with no answers.

As God prepares to take him  home

His memories I will hold dear in my heart

Nothing on the inside will ever change

He will always be my brother.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd