This is starting the second day now with a new change, that isn’t good in our home. Al has declined eating. Not entirely, but quite a bit. Yesterday he had one item for breakfast, an Ensure for lunch, and he did eat a pretty good supper.
This morning I was happy. He asked for pancakes. He also wanted his usual craving for sugar. He never used to eat sweets but he does now. He wanted a cherry turnover. I happily fixed him the pancakes.
He ate the cherry turnover and one bite of pancakes. Well, I tried. I tried a bite to see if they were edible. Yes, they were it was just Al.
He woke up with telling me of bad dreams he has had the past few days. This morning his bad dream was that he found out he had cancer. I laughed it off telling him that this wasn’t a bad dream, it was a silly dream as we both knew he didn’t have any cancers.
Sometimes I wonder in the back of my mind if he could have prostate cancer with all the dark on his bed pads. He also told me that the other dream he had was that I got sick and I was in a wheelchair just like him.
Now he had hit a tender spot with me. Although I told him he could see with his own eyes that I was walking; it reminds me of my constant bartering with God. I always pray, Lord, you can take me home when ever you wish. You can give me any illness you want; but wait until Al takes his last breath.
I took a deep breath and changed his brief and changed the subject. His tremors were a mess this morning. I didn’t know it for a while but Al has M.S.A.-P. This means that Al has Multiple System Atrophy with Parkinson’s Disease being prominent. So this is why we see so many tremors with him.
Al told me through tears this morning after breakfast, ” I’m sorry Terry. I am sorry I can’t eat. I feel funny.”
” How do you feel funny bud?”
” I can’t describe it Terry. I just feel funny.”
He wanted to go back to bed. He had his shower and a clean brief and was put back in bed. At least he is not thinking when he is asleep. His body gets a break from the terrible tremors when he is sleeping.
My chin is up, my prayers are strong, but my hope is diminishing and my heart is breaking as I have to walk this journey with Al, seeing him fade a way from me and this world. I think Al knows it too. I think this is what he is talking about when he refers to he can’t explain it.
I remember him lining up cars
On the carpet, being very quiet
Living in a world all his own.
I remember his first scooter
And how proud he was
He smiled as he rode by me.
I remember his first car
And the excitement in his eyes
Independence he had never experienced
Was now his forever more.
I remember his baring his soul
When he could no longer walk
The tears in his eyes
Questions with no answers.
As God prepares to take him home
His memories I will hold dear in my heart
Nothing on the inside will ever change
He will always be my brother.