You probably don’t realize because all you read from me anymore is sadness, but I hate it. I hate giving you my grief and my sadness.
Shouldn’t a writer be able to transfer himself into another pair of shoes and write from their angle? Shouldn’t I pick-up on the wonderful posts that are heavily perfumed with happy signs?
I laugh when I read Maxine. She is hysterical. For a few moments I forget where I am and get in her mind of laughter.
Or I would like to post about the wonderful day I had today. A day at the park. Watching kids swimming and running. Playing in the sand.
I want to, I really do. But my mind and body are tired when I think of getting in my car. Heading out to where people are. I see them chatting, lovers holding hands, eating together at restaurants. And the crowds of people mulling around the clothes racks and I just can’t deal with it.
I love God. I believe in him, but I am lacking. I still think of my own feelings. Maybe I don’t weigh heavily like I should on his word. Maybe I am too selfish or too human. Maybe I can’t move forward or behind.
It feels like I am stuck right in the middle. My life is moving around me. I am the one in the middle watching it go without me and yet my feet are frozen to the ground. I am too full of what is happening in my own walls.
I try to move out, I try to move ahead, but it is difficult. Without your prayers Lord only knows where I would be. There are parts of me that just want this over. Slam the door shut. Write the chapter out, close the book, but I can’t, or don’t know how.
I know that yesterday when I took my memory trip I realized that this town I live in has nothing but sadness written all over it. My parents are from here and they are gone to heaven now.
Family that I loved and trusted are no longer in my life and they are too close in distance, and my heart is too delicate.
I am not into sports so there are no ballgames for me to attend, my choice, of course. I don’t swim because the lakes are too unsafe anymore. My best g/f lives out-of-town, and my daughter is out-of-state.
Now don’t for one second think I am on my own pity trip here, because I am not. I am sorting things in my mind. Finding priorities that make me smile. Doom and gloom have filled my heart and soul for so long.
I need to break a way. My life will change when Al is no longer here. And I say that lightly because if God wants me this moment, I will be gone before him. I can’t live like this if he goes before me.
I can’t keep digging the hole of sorrow deeper, I will drown. I knew yesterday that some parts of my sadness are brought on by myself. I make my life what it is. So I have made a decision. I don’t care how much money I have or don’t have. I am not staying here.
It was great when family was here. It was wonderful when family spoke. But now, it is a terrible place for me to live. I want to move a way. Move to where the sun shines more and snow is less. I want to be where I am wanted. I want to see tons of trees and hilly land. I want to be where people talk whether I am a stranger or friend. I will move. This is my goal, my yearning. I need to live, breathe, laugh and love again, and in this city there are too many memories to do this. I want to start writing a new chapter in my book of life.