If It Feels Good, Just Do It


You probably don’t realize because all you read from me anymore is sadness, but I hate it. I hate giving you my grief and my sadness.

Shouldn’t a writer be able to transfer himself into another pair of shoes and write from their angle? Shouldn’t I pick-up on the wonderful posts  that are heavily perfumed with happy signs?

MaxineI laugh when I read Maxine. She is hysterical. For a few moments I forget where I am and get in her mind of laughter.

Or I would like to post about the wonderful day I had today. A day at the park. Watching kids swimming and running. Playing in the sand.

divingOr maybe I should be out in my favorite store looking over the huge clearance racks.

Macys

I want to, I really do. But my mind and body are tired when I think of getting in my car. Heading out to where people are. I see them chatting, lovers holding hands, eating together at restaurants. And the crowds of people mulling around the clothes racks and I just can’t deal with it.

I love God. I believe in him, but I am lacking. I still think of my own feelings. Maybe I don’t weigh heavily like I should on his word. Maybe I am too selfish or too human. Maybe I can’t move forward or behind.

It feels like I am stuck right in the middle. My life is moving around me. I am the one in the middle watching it go without me and yet my feet are frozen to the ground. I am too full of what is happening in my own walls.

I try to move out, I try to move ahead, but it is difficult. Without your prayers Lord only knows where I would be. There are parts of me that just want this over. Slam the door shut. Write the chapter out, close the book, but I can’t, or don’t know how.

I know that yesterday when I took my memory trip I realized that this town I live in has nothing but sadness written all over it. My parents are from here and they are gone to heaven now.

Family that I loved and trusted are no longer in my life and they are too close in distance,  and my heart is too delicate.

I am not into sports so there are no ballgames for me to attend, my choice, of course. I don’t swim because the lakes are too unsafe anymore. My best g/f lives out-of-town, and my daughter is out-of-state.

Now don’t for one second think I am on my own pity trip here, because I am not. I am sorting things in my mind. Finding priorities that make me smile. Doom and gloom have filled my heart and soul for so long.

I need to break a way. My life will change when Al is no longer here. And I say that lightly because if God wants me this moment, I will be gone before him. I can’t live like this if he goes before me.

I can’t keep digging the hole of sorrow deeper, I will drown. I knew yesterday that some parts of my sadness are brought on by myself. I make my life what it is. So I have made a decision. I don’t care how much money I have or don’t have. I am not staying here.

It was great when family was here. It was wonderful when family spoke. But now, it is a terrible place for me to live. I want to move a way. Move to where the sun shines more and snow is less. I want to be where I am wanted. I want to see tons of trees and hilly land. I want to be where people talk whether I am a stranger or friend.  I will move. This is my goal, my yearning. I need to live, breathe, laugh and love again, and in this city there are too many memories to do this. I want to start writing a new chapter in my book of life.

I feel better now. It is out of my head and onto paper. Have any of you ever felt like this and made the jump? Made a change that not all agree with but you agree with it. It feels good, just do it!victorian lady

55 thoughts on “If It Feels Good, Just Do It

      • It’s understandable…sometimes we get stuck in our hometowns for the memories alone, forgetting that we have tomorrows to anticipate and look forward to. You need something to look forward to, to imagine, to explore. You need your tomorrows to be filled with possibility. You deserve that.

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      • It is almost like I have no choice, although I really do, but the mind is filled with so much gloom, I need to heal, thanks for understanding

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  1. I say go for it!…
    After visiting Savannah GA…I wated to move sooo bad!…of course one visit does not mean a major move…but, I will go there again and see how I feel…
    Lucky you…that YOU are the one who will make this decision…I have a husband… who has a say where we live… and I have a son who will probably live with me forever… or close by…Good Luck in your decision making…I do suggest visiting first of course… places change…and a vacation somewhere is not the same as every day!…and now…I bet you are sorry you asked that question!…with all my wordiness!…ha, ha!

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  2. Good for you! The last sermon my Husband’s Father ever preached was titled “Pick up your satchel and go”. That has been many years ago but it has always stuck in my head. When things aren’t working where you’re standing then you have to have the courage to pick up your satchel and go.

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    • If he preached a sermon on that, then I am not doing anything wrong or running a way. I am just changing the scenery and picking out a new chapter. thanks for telling me this Snoogie!

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  3. Good for you Terry, to have dreams and plans! Your home is where you are able to be at ease with your soul and heart. I have lived in three different countries and lots of different places and know that God always has lead me to new friends, new joys and new opportunities. I have not been on WordPress for some days, as I am travelling, but you are in my prayers! Love, Solveig

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  4. Indeed there have been times when I found it helpful to get it down on paper and out of the maelstrom of my head. A great and therapeutic project. And anticipating change is always a good thing when you know it’s going to happen. (Some of it feels like you’d have a story for my blog.)

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    • Hi Mona, good evening. It was very helpful to write it down. Other wise I spend wasted minutes letting my head swirl. Maybe I will move and maybe I will turn my home back to one which feels like second skin. When I walk in the door I shall see lit Christmas trees, (small ones) greeting me. I love white lit trees. Candles and antiques. I would like to never have to see adult briefs, medicine bottles, hospital beds. I love my brother very much but i won’t lie, death is looming in ever nook inside these walls and my home needs a new face uplift if I stay here. Either way, a change is due and it will happen, this I am sure of. Hugs my dear friend

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  5. If it weren’t for the cold weather, the snow, and , well, you know…Ohio climate in general, I know a place for you.You would be adopted into this community like a foster child in no time flat. It’s a small college community where the boomers went to school and never left, it’s got culture, adult education, small quaint shops with local artiest merchandise and it’s own little brewery, and a winery. Very laid back environment, sophisticated, educated and non-snuddy people from all walks of life. Time kinda’ stopped here, we have hippies and great street fairs, a log pub where presidents have dined and drank, and a few regular celebrities who roam around and don’t get groupies aggravating them.there are annual book fairs, and book signings by notables, zombie walks with a battle of the bands. And beautiful little homes surrounding this all…not badly priced either! Quiet neighborhoods and all that I mentioned here withing walking distance. Serenity paints a true picture of this community. Young and old, everyone loves Yellowsprings, Ohio. I could go on forever, but to get the real feel of what I describe here you need to visit on a weekend. Every weekend comes to life…and if you are artistic, there’s money to be made here. Everyone is so very friendly, and they make you feel like family once you get to know them. oh, did i mention that Macy’s is only about 10 minutes away…really, and you don’t even have to get on highways to get there. Around Macy’s the city of Bevercreek unfolds, and it has more restaurants than you can even imagine. A mall so big you need a map, and a mega theater not far. All this is clustered on one street. You should look on line for more than i even told you here…you’d be amazed!

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    • I will definitely look the area up. Is it close to you? Would I be able to ever see you? It sounds fantastic. Quaint, quiet, yet alive on the weekends, and who knows, maybe I could find me a hippie to love!!!! Thanks so much my dear friend for telling me

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      • There is something to be said about it. If I know you, you’ll have a feeling of guilt for running away? It’s what I thought too, you can’t run away from problems, but…going somewhere that doesn’t remind you of the pain, and that you like, moves you forward in healing. It was the most amazing feeling for me and I don’t regret it one single day. I don’t even miss where I was born and raised. I wish you all the best. I’m thrilled that you are considering doing something for yourself. 🙂

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  6. Feelings tend to be about the past… since the past is past, we can let the feelings go once its clear that they no longer serve a purpose. Now, of course, feelings sometimes do serve a purpose. For instance, as a boy, I feared my father’s wrath… those feelings were associated with my father even long after his wrath was no longer likely. So, eventually, I realize this. I saw a story this morning about a man named Stephen King (not the author). He was a fireman at the World Trade Center 9-1-1 disaster. see: http://nymag.com/nymetro/health/bestdoctors/2005/11961/
    He got therapy that presented him with his fears in a safe place — this was first used for Vietnam vets. Now, it happens that the same therapy has been working for many decades. It actually originates from a collaboration that began with Carl Jung to Roland Hazzard to William Wilson and it is documented in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as steps 4 through 9. When depression lifts by getting out the reactions to the events or people or situations (etc.) it is most likely caused by fears, resentments, and so on… so, therapy focuses on 1) the story about the origin of the feelings, the negative thoughts and actions, the character defects being practiced, the positive characteristics that ought be employed instead, an accounting of any harms that may have occurred and taking positive action to assure that no such mistake is likely to occur in the future (as thoroughly as may be possible).

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  7. I made the jump when I moved to Myrtle Beach, SC about 10 years ago or so. Left central IL and everything I knew. Was scared to death…but ended up absolutely loving it there. The Upstate area of SC is also beautiful – mountains, warm most of the time, etc. and only a few hours from the beach. Anyway you can do it Terry 🙂 Pick a dot on that map and make it happen when the time is right, if that is what God is telling you to do. Blessings to you friend!

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  8. Pingback: The Best Me I Know How To Be | CreateWhatYouWant

  9. I also often feel like I do not trust in God enough or fall into His arms. However, you are still held by Him even if you struggle to weigh upon Him. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that some little bits of joy will surprise you this week.

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    • it took a couple of days but today I feel the most refreshed I have felt in a long time. My brother will come home Friday or Saturday, so I will be ready to help him walk his journey to heaven once again. Thank you for your very nice comment and honesty

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  10. 4 years ago I moved from Maryland, where my childhood and my ex-husband is, to Arizona, where my parents and 2 Aunts and an uncle and grandfather are. I wanted to get away from where I lived with my ex-husband and a subsequent bad relationship with a boyfriend. I felt surrounded by them. It was hard leaving familiar territory, but I am pretty settled in again and making new friends. I do feel better in a new area. It feels good to be away from the old.

    Moving to an area near your daughter sounds like a good idea to me. Family is so important I think. You are still in my prayers.

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      • I wanted to be close to my parents but not in the same house like my dad wanted us to. There is no bus service in most of their city and I don’t have a car so I need to live where there are buses. I am living one city away from my parents, next to a big church which my kids and I like fortunately, and there are buses everywhere! Some friendly people from church drove me around looking at apartments and we found this one for a great price. I am happy living here. I started helping teach the kindergarten girls on Wednesday nights at church and starting next Monday night I will be teaching math to people who want to get their GED. My parents come pick us up about once a month on Friday afternoon and bring us back on Sunday evenings. So this spot is great!

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      • I don’t know what is wrong with me. Within five minutes I feel like, well crap, now the tears are falling. I don’t even know why. Maybe I miss my parents, maybe I wish life was different, I don’t know. When I read your post, i do recognize that I want to be happy too. Hugs

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  11. That sounds fantastic! It can’t possibly hurt to plan ahead for the inevitable. I don’t think it diminishes your love and affection for Al. It just is what it is. With all the dark corners you have in your life right now while waiting for the inevitable, it can’t hurt to go to a peaceful place every so often while imagining a great place to move on to when the time comes.

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  12. Pingback: He Came Home | terry1954

  13. I have been silently enduring storms in my personal life for a couple of months now and I think I am in the same boat as you now. Trying to decide on what’s important to me and whether I should stick it out and stay put…. or just uproot myself and move. Not sure which way my decision is going to swing yet. I wish for you clarity, strength and courage to do what will be right for you.

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  14. Those with love and/or understanding will accept your season of sadness, negativity, whatever. They are the ones worth keeping around. Too many people in this life are positivity-focused. Their motto is stay away from negative people because they will bring you down. Frankly, it irks me. Where you are is where you are, that’s the human experience, so don’t chide yourself for this season or how long it is or your seemingly inability to escape it.
    Thankfully seasons end and change. I love that you’re lifting your eyes to new things and places down the road. Praying that your time of refreshment comes soon and that you’re steadily uplifted where you are right now.

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    • you are fantastic! I know what you mean by the up beat people. Sometimes I wonder if they are trying to make themselves believe all is well when actually they are living a hell of a day. I just say what is going on. I don’t pretend. Thanks so much Neon!

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