One of the Hardest Things To Hear

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I am not going to make this long. I will just say that Al has not felt good for a few days. In his words, he says he fills funky. He has not eaten well for a few days. Today at his Day Program he blacked out and fell forward.

The Hospice Nurse just left our house. I want to take her simple and polite words and dissect them to death but I have to remain sane. I knew something wasn’t right when she made me leave Al’s room to talk to me.

I can still hear her words exact. ” Has he been talking about dead people? Has he mentioned anything about not being here long or taking a trip? I couldn’t find a pulse but did find a weak one in his feet. He may sleep a lot now. If he doesn’t want to eat or take his medications just give him the pain ones for his labored breathing. He is declining.”

 

Dearest friends, please pray for me. For at this moment, this very second I just want to throw up.I am not sure if I can do the waiting game, the over-checking on him, the stress and worry, watching his breathing things. I need help.oct 13 14purple candlesLonely_candleBlue_candleanimated-candles1.gifcandle-animated.gifAnimatedCandleThoughtandPrayers

117 thoughts on “One of the Hardest Things To Hear”

  7. Terri you will have the strength to get through this. May he go to God’s welcoming arms in his sleep. May you realize his peace in the moment you know he has left this place. My thoughts are with you during this most difficult time. {{hugs}}

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  8. Oooh, Terry. I am so sorry. You are strong and can do this but I wish you didn’t have to. Know you won’t be alone, besides our prayers for you and Al, there is so much love and support heading your way from us all.

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  11. Terry you can do this. I did not think that I could either, but with the help of God, I kissed my mother good bye. Someone once told me that they were honored to be in the presence of their loved one when they passed from this earthly world on to their heavenly kingdom….where there is no pain and no sorrow. I tried to think of it in that way when my mom was dying. That it was an honor to be with her through this journey. It helps. When I kissed her good bye and told her I would be ok,and gave her permission to leave, she opened her eyes and looked at me. She did the same thing to my dad. It was her way of telling us that she was ok too and wanted one last look. It was an experience I shall never forget. At the wake, and after years of pain, suffering and aging, she looked absolutely beautiful! I do feel she is at peace, in heaven and sends me little message all the time. Terry, you will be ok. God will guide you.

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  14. Awww it’s so hard… But you have it in you, it’s there! God is with you, he will help you through this tough time! Sending prayers, strength and faith. Stay strong.

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  15. You have been doing this already my friend, and you will continue to. With prayer and hugs and more prayer and more hugs, you will be in our thoughts during this protracted vigil for Al.

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  16. terry i am so sorry this is happening and my prayers go out AL and your self i know u are a vary strong lady and God will help you threw this hard time i will be praying for you and alot of people are if there is any thing i can do to help u just call me OK my number is 265-1267 i will be here if there is any thing i can do i will you hang in there OK

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  17. Try to enjoy each moment you have with him as he makes this journey. You will have time to be filled (overwhelmed) by stress and grief after he has completed his journey here on earth. You are wonderful and he is so very blessed to have you by his side. God will be with you both. God bless!

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  18. I very much wish I could be with you, take a deep breath as this starts the hardest walk you will take, but you will not feel alone, light a candle, you will feel the Love and prayers of many that have stood in the very spot you now stand, we are with you. The complete emptiness comes after, we will be with you then too, you won’t feel it but you’ll be lifted up in our hearts and prayers.. You will find strength you never knew you had. This is now a time for You, your brother and God.

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  20. My prayer goes to you and Al. Take good care of yourself. Deep breath, good music, good tea and good books are helpful when feeling struggled and stressed. You are surrounded by love. Winter will be over and then spring will arrive.

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  22. Terry, I know you are scared sick. As difficult as this is, you have the strength to ride this out. From just the brief conversation we once had, I could tell that you are a strong woman. Above all the worries you carry inside, you know Al loves you immensely and, do doubt, wants you to be in good health and happy while you’re still young. Al knows how you feel about him, and I’m sure love and gratitude are what fuels his weary soul in these final hours.

    There’s a song in his heart and I bet the title goes ” I only Hope My Last Breath Will Be Your First, Dear Beloved Sister Of Mine.” After all the care-giving and personal sacrifices you have made for your brother, and all the love he has been showered with, day in and day out, and all the beautiful kindness you inscribed on his heart and in his memory, this man looks forward to an eternity of sharing…and I’m sure he’ll wear a smile all the while his wings are fluttering.

    It’s hard to let go Terry, I know this first hand, but believe me when I say your heartache and your worries, by far, outweigh how Al feels about going home to be with God… and his loved ones! Just keep remembering that once he’s there, in that Mansion in the sky, there’s no more pain, no more humiliation, no more tears. And remember, too, you both will most certainly continue this very special bond you share… communicating through prayer and the power of remembering all things beautiful between you.

    No one can play God, so, no matter what Hospice says you can only rely on the Man above to lead the way. Enjoy this time, and take this journey “One day at a time…” don’t look ahead, live for the moment, the rest will works itself out.

    I’m praying for you girl, remember to breath deeply and try to relax.

    xoxoxo

    ~Dianne

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    • thank you so much. Your words are needed bad to my soul. You bring comfort. to my restless heart. When the nurse speaks I tend to take it to heart but you are right, no one knows but God when Al is leaving, but hearing Al talk constantly about how he feels like he is dying doesn’t help the situation. I just want a calm in our house again. I pray for this. Big hugs to a dear friend

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  24. Dear Terry,

    My heart weeps for you. I just lost my mother in February, and I’ve never hurt so much in my life. I have no words that can make your pain any less, or that would make losing your brother any easier. What I do have is a close relationship with our heavenly Father, and I can pray for you…

    Heavenly Father, my heart is breaking for Terry. Lord, You know the pain she is enduring, and has endured for so many months as Al’s health has declined, and his time here is drawing to a close. Father, I can only imagine how hard Terry has been trying to hold herself together for Al’s sake, and for her own sanity, and how hopeless and helpless she must feel.

    Therefore, Father, I pray for Al first of all, that You would minister to his heart and prepare him to meet You. Lord, I pray in Jesus’ name that You would reveal Yourself to Al, so that he would repent of his sins and cry out to Jesus for salvation. Keep him in Your perfect peace, Lord, comfort him, and take him home to be with You gently.

    I also cry out to You for Terry, Father. Prepare her heart to let Al go home to be with You, and give her the comfort and reassurance that when Al leaves his earthly body, he will be present with Jesus, so that he will have no more pain, no more sorrow, no more tears and tremors, no more fear, no more physical, emotional or mental problems. Comfort Terry with the knowledge that in Your presence, Lord, Al will finally be whole and complete.

    Lord, I pray that You would reveal Yourself to Terry, so that she would know that both she and Al are precious in Your sight. Lord, You know what Terry needs. You know about her relationship with You, so I ask You, Lord, to do whatever is necessary to draw Terry closer to You. Lord, I ask You to arise and show Yourself strong on Terry’s behalf, so that she can endure the pain of losing her brother. Father, let Al’s passing be gentle, and allow Terry to be there with him as he passes from her care into Your waiting arms.

    I also ask You to be with Terry in the coming months, Lord, and lead her in the way she should go, as she learns to adjust to life without her brother. Show her how she can help others and bless them with the wisdom You’ve given her as she cared for her brother, and fought for him too! Give Terry a new purpose in life, Father, so that she will still feel useful and needed.

    Lord, I pray for all of these things in Jesus’ name, amen.

    God bless you Terry. You are loved, and I know that many are praying for you.

    Love,
    Cheryl

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  25. Terry I’m very sorry that he’s in this stage now and you’re in such pain. My heart goes out to you. I was thinking with the over-checking, you may not have to. I think the cat will let you know. I hope that doesn’t sound out of place but it seems he’s watching over Al, and is there for a reason. The cat knows xo

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  26. I lost my Mother in March this year to MSA. The time does come where you start to kind of know it is near…Al probably really does know he is on his way. The waiting game made me feel crazy! So I know what you mean! Just stay with him as much as you can and touch him alot and talk to him. His suffering is perhaps almost over. My thoughts are with you both in this very surreal and heartbraking time xxxx

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    • that is exactly where I am at. The waiting game is making me sick. Is or isn’t he. Watching him, watching for signs. It is crazy. Al is still here this morning. He still says he is dying. I reason with everything and why I do not know. I saw that he ate less breakfast but he ate it, so my mind is telling me, he isn’t dying, he just had a bad day. I somehow can’t get past the moment, I keep looking at tomorrow. It is driving me nuts. Somehow I feel like you understand where I am at

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  29. Terry, I know you can’t answer much at the moment as you are in incredible pain. We are here. The only thing I can possibly do is keep you and Al in my thoughts. I know this is immensely difficult for you, and there is nothing anyone can say or do that will help very much at this time.

    {{{{HUGS}}}}

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    • thanks Ute. You have always been close to my heart. I don’t deserve wonderful people like all of you but yet I am blessed. This journey is so hard. I am trying so hard to live for just this minute but catch myself watching so closely to the next hour

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    • peace, such a small word and yet needed so desperately in this house. While Al may know the path he is walking, I am seemingly a wreck. I say I am ready to accept, but am I really? I don’t think I will ever be ready. thank you so very much

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  33. Having gone through this journey about 6 wks ago… it is hard it is good and just be… music talking reading watching funny movies or youtubes just to be with him and hold his hand and know that neither of you are alone. There are might spirits all around guiding and protecting you both. With Kate it was just so peaceful. Her breathing had been very hard and rapid for days and then she started to have slower periods and then fast and from what I read I knew it was near… and I was just with her… and she went so peacefully… It was a gentle loving process…. Know that there is much caring being sent your way….

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    • I hope when Al goes it is peaceful too. I am so sorry for your loss. Only six weeks ago and yet, here you are, comforting me. You are amazing and full of love. Thank you for being a friend to me

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      • Terry I see some of your posts about the up and downess of it and how you want peace…. and the debate is he or isn’t he…. having been there it just is and he is whether now or later he is. My mother used to say we are all dying as soon as we are born…. so maybe take a page from the Buddhist and just be in the moments you are with him. breath and enjoy.. With Kate we had her favourite music on and watched stuff on the laptop and laughed and talked with her. God help her I sang to her in the wee small hours of the morning… the lullabies my mother sang to me…. just to let her know that even with her eyes closed I was still there. I shared the time with her brother and another friend of hers and that helped to lighten the load and give us each time to eat/ wash/ sleep. I hope there is someone there to help you… whether family/friend or hospice worker…. you might ask if there is more help for you if not…. big hugs to you ps there are websites that talk about the physical phases of the end stage of life. I read these and they helped me to see her body fading but her spirit still being strong. I found a page that might help to answer some of your questions. I don’t know if you have people that are supporting you through the palliative phase(medical people) here is the link if found sorry for being so wordy and so specific but I know when I had questions there wasn’t a lot of info for me and I had to find the answers… all the best and peace to you and yours http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/tc/care-at-the-end-of-life-the-dying-process

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      • Just as well that I can see so much to admire as you can’t yourself right now. Take my word and be proud of yourself – though I know it’s hard when you are stressed, distressed and exhausted. Hugs Terry.

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  36. Terry, there are no words right now, only much prayers. I will email you my phone number please call if you need to talk – and if I am not home leave a message I will call you back. I am crying right along with you. God be with you my friend – lean on Him, your family and your friends, we are all here for you.

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  37. Dearest Terry and AL,
    The Lord knows your pain, frustration, sadness; he hears your prayers and knows your thoughts. I too am praying for you both to have the strength and courage to face whatever the Lord’s plan is. You are an amazing person Terry and I am truly thankful to call you a friend! all of us here – your Friends online are with you both in spirit. Please give AL our Love as we send it to you both. ❤

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  38. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that the Lord will give you strength and comfort in this difficult time.

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  39. When two or more agree….so I am agreeing with Cheryl in her prayer for you and Al. This is such a difficult time for you but know that Al is completing the circle of life , that his transistion from this earthly plain to Gods heavenly realm will end his pain and suffering. You will be lost and grief stricken but God answers all Knee Mail, He will give you the strength to get through this time, lean on Him read His word. Sit quietly in prayer asking for His guidance to open your mind and heart to understanding and peace then randomly open your Bible there you will find the peace He has guided you too.
    We are all here for you Terry and if you need to talk here is my # 1-913-634-1738 if I can’t answer leave a message and I will call you right back. I know there are few words that can ease your pain but I will listen even if through your sobs and tears I can’t understand you…I will be on the other end to just listen.Love and hugs my friend (((xx)))

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    • thank you so much Len. Part of me wants to run and hide, another part wants to stay and be here if I am needed. I feel so torn. This seems like a big game in some odd way. Hearing Al’s words, the Hospice nurse’s words, and my own thoughts. Knowing no real answers and yet being sucked into something bigger than me. If it is a game, it is a sick one, and I should not be playing. I don’t even know if this makes one iota of sense. I am the one person who likes organized days and this is definitely a time where I feel out of place. I keep telling myself there is only one who knows the answers, God. And yet here I am listening, watching for some sign of truth. I am a mess, just please forgive me for rambling on

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      • You have every right to feel anxious and off balance, I am not sure I wouldn’t be hovering in the darkest corner of a closet somewhere, crying my eyes out or laughing hysterically, so I admire your tenacity and most of all your love for your brother and the ability to have taken care of him as you have. Stay strong through your faith my friend..Love and prayers.

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  40. It was eight years ago today since my dear husband Conrad, left to be with the Lord. He also suffered from this very difficult disease. Blessings on you as you travel this journey.

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    • Lucy, did your husband talk of death? Did he speak like he knew something the rest of knew nothing about? I find myself watching and listening to ever sound, every gasp of air, bargaining with myself, maybe with God. Telling myself Al can not possibly know anything. This is so difficult

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    • Ann, prayers are so powerful and God always answers. Prayers in numbers are majestic, and I am honored and blessed to have you praying for Al and me. I love you Ann for who you are. hugs

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  55. I am so sorry.
    I remember the Hospice nurse asking me those same exact questions about my sister.
    We were laughing bc my sister had heard a noise and said, “Oh, Daddy’s home!” and we thought it was cute.
    But the nurse heard us and said, “…..isn’t your Dad passed away?”
    And we all stopped laughing. For a long, long time.
    I wish I could send peace and strength to you over the Internet.

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    • that is so sad and yet reassuring that she was not alone when she passed. Her daddy was right there. thanks for sharing with me Valerie. Hugs are just as good through Cyber Space, thank you

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