I Am Still Standing

I live in such a small speck of the world and yet news travels quickly from within these walls. A good example is I was telling you I am a wreck. I guess Len  said it best this morning, I am sort of a control freak.

I don’t mean that I have to control your life. I have to control what is going on in my own home and this means Al‘s disease too. When I can’t help him, when I feel helpless it freaks me out.

The phone rang earlier and it was the Hospice Social worker asking if he could come pay a visit to Al. Of course I said yes. I told him Al was asleep and not to feel bad for waking him up. Al sleeps most of the day a way so he will go back to sleep, which he did after Chuck left.

It turns out that he was observing Al and I didn’t realize it but he was observing my actions and expressions. Word had been sent through out Hospice and the nurses and doctor knew Al was beat and I was exhausted.

Chuck visited with Al while I changed Al’s sheets. Chuck asked Al the normal question, ” how are you doing?” That’s all it took, those few words and Al was out of control. The tremors were bouncing off the walls. His tears were flooding and his words were I want to die but God won’t let me.

He got so emotional I just sat down on Al’s newly made bed and let out a big sigh. Chuck observed Al for a while and listened as well as he could. You can barely understand Al anymore between his tears, tremors and soft voice.

When the visit was over Chuck told Al, ” You are a lucky man. You get to live here at home with your sister. Do you know where you would be if she wasn’t taking care of you?”

Al shook his head yes.

” So we are going to give your sister a break. Tomorrow after you get home from Day Program, I will send the ambulance down here to pick you up so you can have your very own vacation and get spoiled rotten by the nurses and the food. You are going to the Hospice House.”

Al asked, ” do I get to come back home?”

” Yes, you get to come back home.”

” Alright I will go.”

So someone heard, someone responded, friends from Facebook prayed, WP friends prayed. I get a break. I get to sleep some of this stress off. I will be rested when he comes home and be able to be a good caregiver and sister to Al through the next chapter of this illness.

I don’t know exactly what time he will be picked up, but from what it sounds it will be around 6:30 tomorrow evening. He will stay for five days and then return home. Thank-you for being my angels, my dear friends. This is tough, it is the worst I have lived through for so long, but I am still standing.

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