I didn’t want to do anything today. I didn’t sleep well last night. Al was a wake through the night, not wanting anything really. Seeming a little confused. I am feeling guilt this morning also.
I got a call from the Hospice nurse stating Christy the regular nurse Al sees will not be here today. That the nurse last night who was here will be seeing him instead. Oh dear, what have I done, is what I was thinking.
I remember being so upset yesterday that the Day Program has said they tried to call Christy but she never called back. I knew that there had been two occasions where I had tried to get a return call from her but nothing.
When the other nurse appeared last night I blurted it out that it wasn’t right for the only link to Christy was through her phone and the fact she doesn’t return the calls is very upsetting to me.
I just hate getting anyone in trouble period. Of course it could be that Christy was just off or ill or something. I have a bad habit of thinking the worst at times.
I looked around the house and thought the hell with it. It will still be here later today. I am still in my house coat after taking care of Al this morning. I did get him up and he went to the kitchen table. His voice was so soft I could barely hear what he was saying. I just have having to say huh, what did you say?
He ate a smaller breakfast but he did eat. He once again said he is going to die very soon. I don’t know what it is about me that is wired wrong but I am like the person who has to know how everything works and how it fits together.
I sat down with him while he ate and asked him what makes him think he is dying. He said he just knows inside. He said he knows he is getting weaker. He said his nails are getting grayer.
I had always been concerned about his gray nails too but Hospice says it is no big deal and not to worry about it. Of course my come back in my mind is then why aren’t mine gray.
I have found myself trying to give explanations to anything. Example, he ate breakfast, even though it was small, he ate. He isn’t dying. He just doesn’t feel well. Or he is alive and well this morning, so last night, what was that all about? What did the nurse mean when she said he is declining?
I don’t see any real major changes. Yes, he is definitely weaker in every way, but that doesn’t mean he is dying. I am making myself so ill that I am constantly running to the ladies room from my nerves being infrared.
The fact is I don’t want Al to die, and on the other hand I want him to go home so he can be pain-free. I don’t know when he will leave. Al can’t possibly know when he is leaving. He just feels like it won’t be long. Maybe he is right, maybe his is wrong. Maybe he is just having a rotten day.
No one seems to know why he blacked out yesterday. No one seems to know any direct answers, and I think this is what is wrecking my emotions. Watching, listening, checking on him often.
I hear his labored breathing. I see his hands turning white but his nails remain gray. I see him eating. I see him declining in some ways. I see me a ball of mixed emotions. Why can’t I just settle down and accept the truth. Only God knows. I guess I don’t want any surprises?
Wow, why would I even think such a stupid thing. Hospice is here. They are only here for one reason. This is no surprise.
I better quit before one of you comes here and puts me a way for going nuts. All I know is I love him, I see what I see. I hear what I hear and God only knows the rest. Well I have to get dressed now and straighten up the house. The phone rang and the Hospice Social Worker called and is coming over. Now what………….