I Don’t Understand Me


I have not done so well today, or as good as I thought I would. Al has been gone 24 hours and I struggled with the silence here. You must all think I am  just plain crazy and I don’t blame you.

I think I am too. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I slept but I was restless. The cat, Rhino rhino 2has been so noisy missing his buddy. Lot of meows.

Here I sit at the computer and I feel the biggest empty spot. I should be jumping up and down? Running through the house? Out with friends having fun? Maybe shopping?

But no here I sit. Unable to place once foot in front of the other and make any moves. I feel anger inward at what a rotten friend I have been to myself. There must be another explanation for this.

I didn’t even touch the house today. I had two eggs and a piece of toast for breakfast. I had no lunch and I had a bowl of Cheerios for supper. I was trying to find my sugar substitute in the cupboard and knocked something out and it landed in the cat’s water. That dominoed into flipping the water into his food bowl. That food was ruined where I had just filled it up.

As I was carrying my bowl of cereal here to the computer, I don’t know what I did but I flipped my spoon out of the bowl and it splattered on the floor. I then took a shower and got out and dried off. I then realized I had forgotten to rinse the conditioner out and had to get back in.

My granddaughter’s birthday is today. I was watching a video of her party on Facebook and then just started crying. I had missed her birthday. I had sent no card and said nothing. I quickly apologized to my son for my forgetfulness and told Hanna Happy Birthday.

There is a part of me that can slightly remember the person I used to be. There once used to be this gal named Terry that loved to laugh. I could laugh until my eyes watered, my sides hurt, and sometimes pee my pants. I was always ready to go have fun, be with family and friends. I tried to never be home on weekend evenings.

Oh not that I was a party girl. I never have been. No drinking for me, no big gatherings at the bar. Usually with just family.

I know, I am really dogging myself tonight, but I am a little angry at who I am lately. Too sad, too deep, too full of sorrow. I really do want to laugh, but I cry. I want to get out, but I stay in. What in the world is my problem?

People say I am not that old yet. They tell me there is hope for love still.  They tell me there is still life to live. But tonight, because I miss my brother so bad, when I really need the break, I am a weepy mess.

Please don’t be upset with me and scream at me for not appreciating my break. I am already screaming at my own self and that is punishment enough for one evening.

hanna birthday

30 thoughts on “I Don’t Understand Me

  1. Please believe me, Terry. Sometimes letting oneself be sad, depressed, and angry is just the right thing to do. In fact, there have been times when I’ve told a client to set aside a half hour each day to be depressed (when they are anyway.) It’s part of being good to yourself — accepting yourself. Don’t forget, all those emotions are gifts we are given as human beings, and ultimately they all serve a purpose.

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    • I didn’t know that. I thought I should be totally opposite of what I am. If I am being good to myself, then I should be awesome tomorrow. I thought I would feel free, free as a bird to just have a good time, but I am not. Al is in my thoughts, and this isn’t a bad thing. I guess I can not turn off how I feel, just because he is absent from the home a few days. Thank you for explaining. I thought maybe I was losing my mind

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  2. Sometime life is like this Terry, we keep going because we have to and then when the pressure is off, for a little while we just crash! God bless you my friend!

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  3. You have been on my mind several times over the last few weeks, especially when I read your stories and thoughts. I kept thinking I need to tell her something but not sure what I should or would or need to say. I’m still not sure but at least you know we are all thinking about you. You have so much on your plate with Al that all you time and energy is devoted to him. And since he’s gone for a few days, you’re just not sure what to do with the time that you think you need to spend on yourself. You can spend it doing whatever you would like to do. And that is just what you are doing! Take the time to just be yourself, cry, think, dream, and worry, not only about Al but about yourself also. That is all perfectly normal!!!

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  4. Dear Terry, to me the great thing is that you still want to have fun and enjoy life, that’s normal. And then you are totally exhausted and you need to rest and that’s perfectly normal too. To all there is a season. You know when the psalmist says God leads us to green pastures, and still waters to restore our soul, he also says he MAKES me lie down. It is good that you are not racing around tiring yourself with all kinds of stuff, even fun stuff. If you do not feel like it today, it is because your body just need to listen to that voice that says, Terry I want to restore your soul and let you rest. Not to be boring, not only to give you strength for Al, but to give you strength and joy to be you. Do not plan anything, just be…love, Solveig

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    • You have excellent advice. I am taking it also. I am just going with the flow until I have to resume a schedule. It sort of feels weird but good at the same time. Thanks Solveig!

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  5. I can relate in some ways, Terry. Different situations but there are times when I have wanted to just live it up or do fun things, only to have fatigue or being bummed get in the way and I end up exactly as you say, not eating much, not doing much, and not feeling great about it. I don’t have any advice today except for I have felt this way at times and I wonder the same things. I’m pretty sure it’s ok to just be blah sometimes. At least you were able to take it easy, right? 🙂 That is one thing always positive about my days like this. I always feel like at least I got to chill out for several hours at a time. Rest, even when it feels like it’s not doing much, I think is doing the body and mind some good. Hugs, hoping tomorrow is a brighter day for you!

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    • I think you are right Brian. I am better today than yesterday. The lack of schedule feels weird, but already enjoy the quiet. I think I am re-energizing my entire body and soul. Hugs my friend. I was worried I wasn’t acting normal, but I think I am

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  6. It is not the same by a long shot, but here it goes: what you are feeling is very similar to separation anxiety that is a term most used to describe the actions/ feelings/ of toddlers separated from his/her parents… This was the only way I could describe my feelings of loss and overwhelming feeling of being lost, in my own ‘world’ after I left my husband and children. I sat in that cozy apartment in the corner of the room and grieved. I wandered around the town and went through the motions but it lingered and showed up even months later. It is about as normal as anything; you have been putting every piece of yourself into taking care of Al. If you have clergy or a hospice counselor you can talk to (hopefully face to face with a full pot of coffee nearby) it will help. I drove my two managers crazy coming into work and frequently crying for no reason, tears streaming down my face. I often described the feeling of loss (even though I saw my daughter weekly, my core family totally disappeared when I left the martial home) as if they all died at once. {{ hugs to you}} honey. I know exactly what you are going through.

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    • When you speak of leaving a marriage, I can relate to this. Everything is new and different, our of our zone. This is probably what I am experiencing too, out of my zone. I can tell I am a caregiver for life, I need to be needed. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not, but it is who I am. I appreciate your explanation and it helped very much Soul!!!

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  7. Terry my heart and prayers go out to you. I know exactly how you feel. It is so easy to lose yourself when you are the primary or sole caregiver and it is so difficult to find yourself again. I am just now starting to and Dad has been gone since January and Mom since May. I wrote a post I think it was called Caregivers And Recluse that just about mirrors this post. I thought it was just me at the time but now I believe it is an ” occupational hazard .

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  8. Terry, you have been blasting around after Al, you are exhausted. The reason you don’t to do anything at the moment is that your body has said “me gives up!” You are worried that something will happen whilst he is away, but it won’t. Your body is running on empty now. You need to force yourself to go out. I know that’s easier said than done, but you need to just grab your coat and purse and camera and whatever else, and just walk out the door. Just walk without thinking, and your body will take you where it wants to go.

    Take care of yourself Terry. Step outside.

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    • I am going to do that today. Not sure what I am doing but the sun is shining and I got to get out of here. You are the most understanding man I know. Thanks and hugs

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  9. Your identity as “Al’s sister/caretaker” is all you have been for so long that it is hard to “find” you again and that is okay. It will take a while and Al will be back home before you really find “you” again,just go with the flow, in time you will be you again. I used to find the saddest music and play it every Thursday (my day off) and just sit and cry and cry I would have my pity party and when done usually an hour or so I would feel so much better, tears are the cleansing of our heart, soul and mind so the more you cry for yourself I believe the more you will heal within yourself and be all the stronger and focused when Al does come home. You have my prayers and hugs my friend. Love too.

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  10. Terry, what I would say … have been already said by so many here – I understand completely and it happens to everyone. You it happens often in marriage where the husband has been an alcoholic .. and gone sober, suddenly the wife feels lost and without a purpose – nobody to worry about anymore and nobody to take care of.

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  11. You are being too hard on yourself Let yourself feel and without apologies accept that this is how you feel right now and maybe just maybe… tomorrow will be a new day… maybe next year will be better… maybe the person that you were and the person that you are now will merge and you will find laughter again take it easy on yourself Terry, don’t be so hard with so much expectation, let go and accept that this is how it is right now but retain that hope that things will change and they WILL get better. Hang in there.

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