30 | October | 2013

As if I don’t have enough to think about I woke up this morning wondering what was going on in my under mind. You know, the deepest part of us that knows all. We are clever and crafty creatures that walk this earth. We can tell ourselves anything and if we say it long enough, we believe.

A good example is my looks. I know so many of you have said I look nice but I have convinced myself with plenty of practice that I do not look nice. It is sort of like being a cook. You get the bowl,(brain) together. You mix negative thoughts, a few pity parties and the lack of acceptance, and shazam, you have I am not pretty.

It is the same game for everything else. We can tell ourselves just about anything, but when we lay down at night and we go into deep sleep, the true mind is alive and well.

This is what I dealt with last night. I didn’t even go to sleep until 2am. I was tired, I hadn’t had a nap that day, but sleep came slowly. Oh, the mind was racing.

I was stressing over one particular problem I am having with another person. I was trying to decide how to make things right, get my point across and yet do it gently without hurting the other person.

Sometimes it just can’t be done. There are other people who don’t think about we as much as he/she. When you are facing that kind of person, sometimes bold truth has to be used or maybe a white lie.

So anyways, I was going over that like winding up a ball of yarn. I went to sleep with that on my mind and then two hours later when I should have been in deep dream world I woke up. Restless and wired, ready to get up, but not enough sleep.

I laid there for two hours fighting this. I refused to turn on the TV because I was afraid I would watch it. I forced myself to lay in the dark. I was going to win this one. I was going to sleep.

The last time I looked at the clock it was 5am. I woke up at 8:30am. I had things to do and my friend was coming between 9 and 10, so I got up. Looking at my face in the mirror I saw the red eye lids. I splashed cold water on my face. This helped a little. I brushed my teeth and got me a hot cup of coffee.

Sitting out here at the computer I was sitting still. I was thinking about how Al is coming home later today and then it all clicked together and I knew why I slept restless. Nerves, yes nerves.

A tug and pull sort of war going on in my head. While I slept half-way my mind knew the real issue. Now that I am awake so do I. I had five days to revamp, getting ready for the next challenge taking care of Al.

My hands had healed from being in so much water and cleaners. I got more sleep than usual. I was able to sleep in an extra hour each morning. I stayed awake about the same time frame each night, but I wasn’t listening to the baby monitor.

Now it is going to return to the old schedule. I am happy and yet anxious for Al to come home. Hearing the nurse say they were feeding Al now slaps me silly with the acknowledgement that Al is getting worse, even when he isn’t here.

There is no pretending for the most part. Al is not doing any of this for extra attention. He is definitely ill and he very well knows each little thing he is having to give up in life.

I can tell people that for the biggest part I am doing fine, but am I really? Sometimes, not all the time, I do get tired. I do worry that I am not understanding what he is really trying to tell me.

There are times I do want to go to bed earlier than him. Maybe I could but I would sleep better if I knew he was asleep before me. Of course it would be easier to turn him on his side if I could just have some help.

So many little things and yet when it is all done and said with, I do it. I take care of Al because I want to, out of love, he is my brother. I am not rich, not even close, in fact I stress a lot about how bills are going to be paid, but so far God has made a way each and every month because our bills are paid on time.

But in the end when the mind meets day and night, I have to be as brutally honest and admit I am nervous. I am still tired, I am anxious. I know I carry a load bigger than myself, but until God sends someone our way to help here with Al, he knows that I will carry on.

Now that I have said it out loud, and I can see it on black and white, we, two are in agreement. I am calmer, I am still sleepy, but I am ready for him to come home.