I’m So Dizzy From M.S.A.


I just got through with Al and his supper. He could not feed himself. So I fed him. He ate about 50%. I am wracking my brain trying to think of something different to talk to you about. I have been so busy taking care of Al, it seems my blogging has suffered.

I have a little bit of free time right now and I so want to chat with you all. Find out what you did today. What are your plans for the weekend? I feel so full of guilt that I am having a hard time tearing my thinking a way from Al laying in that bed.

All of you are so right. I can’t guess tomorrow, not even this minute. I can’t sit and stare at him. I can’t get overly concerned even though I can hear and see him struggling to breathe while doing such an easy thing as eating.

I want to splash the ice, cold water in my face, wake up from this terrible dream. I will give you an example of just what I had to listen to since he has been home for about three hours.

When he woke up I went in to see if he was going to eat. He told me to get the cat down. I said the cat is laying right beside you. He is alright. Al says, ” He is hanging upside down. He is going to get hurt, get him down.”

Part of me wanted to start crying but the other part mimicked getting the cat down from the ceiling. Last night he was confused also. I can’t remember what it was about now.

Then I had to sit and listen to him struggle to breathe during eating. I can’t figure out why he is struggling just chewing food.

So, there are changes happening and yet I need to remain the same, I can’t do it. My mind is frozen like water is still beneath a frozen pond.frozen pond

I am strong

Yet I am weak

I stand here for you

Yet I think of me

Crazy, swirling thoughts

Running throughout my mind

Quit spinning me now

I am ready to get off.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

11/01/2013

 

23 thoughts on “I’m So Dizzy From M.S.A.

  1. Struggling to eat is a big problem. When my Grandpa’s esophagus stopped working we tried EVERYTHING. He couldn’t eat. Baby food, oatmeal, mush, jello, nutrition shakes, everything. He couldn’t swallow. It was heart breaking. It still is. The pharmacy sells something like Thick it, it thickens the food but I don’t understand how that would help. It can be very frustrating during meals. I got to a point I didn’t want to eat. Both my boys are sick and I’m running between them trying to help them while keeping my gma and mom healthy but I’m sick too and it is so hard to find the energy to keep moving, answer the knocking on the wall from my older son, meaning he needs something. I got out today and ran errands and ended up going to ten places. I’m tired but the day doesn’t end until 8pm for me and really not until 10. I get a reprieve. Take every moment you can get for yourself. My grandpa had moments of confusion. Thought the ceiling fan light bulbs were tea cups and asked why they were on the ceiling. You are not alone.

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    • I look forward to midnite when I get to turn his lights out. I am always ready for bed. I have Thickit too, but it doesn’t seem to help in this instance. I don’t know what is causing the hard breathing unless it is working the throat muscles too much

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  2. The last bite of food my mother ever liked was when I brought her Hershey’s chocolate candy bar…maybe Al would like that? My mom looked at me and said from some place far away in the recesses of her mind, “You can’t beat Hershey’s chocolate.” I was thrilled.

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    • You have a really good point. For example tonight the foods that were good for Al he picked at and didn’t eat well. I offered him a Reeses Peanut Butter egg, he ate all of it. LOL

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  3. We need to know how you are and how Al is, we all worry with you and pray for you, so don’t stop telling us about your days and struggles. Also you tell us about surprises and that is good too. Write and it also helps you to deal with things. I never get tired of hearing about your life and yourself. Can I join in for a bit of a hug and I can even make you a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream on top…… as a treat you deserve! I’d love to treat you a bit… 🙂

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  4. He’s starting to have hallucinations? Could mean his brain is being affected, either by the disease or the medications. Trouble breathing while chewing could be because he breathes through his mouth sometimes? This is so hard, Terry. Maybe you could find someone through the want ads or something who would come sit with him for an hour so you can do what you need to do.

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  5. Hi, my thought is that Al may need oxygen, then I thought perhaps he is having a hard time breathing due to his heart being weak, I have congestive heart failure with my heart at 30% function so I have shortness of breath add to that my COPD and I know about hard breathing.May pay to check with his Dr. Now, as far as what you write don’t ever stop we all love you and you are so talented it matters not whether you write of your daily life with Al and his care or your deepest emotions or a cute poem or story we value you and would be lost without your pen to paper!

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  6. All of these emotions you are having are normal. That makes them no less difficult to deal with, though. This is a a trying time for you as the caregiver, Terry. Try, as impossible as this sounds, to find humor where you can. You did the right thing with the “cat” because it is very real to him. Keep in mind that Al is on a journey

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  7. Pingback: You Must Be Curious | terry1954

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