A Very Long Day


11pm at night. Quietness at least for now. I feel so guilty that I have not been on here much the past couple of days, but Al has been so restless.

I have just changed him and rolled him over on his side. I pray that I won’t be up for a third night in a row. I am going to place an ad in the newspaper tomorrow morning. I just can’t do this anymore.

My neck is burning, I am sure it is muscles. I had some sort of spell today. I felt hot all over. I was actually sitting here at the computer and suddenly got hot and felt like I was going to pass out.

I knew I needed to get to the bathroom and splash my face with cold water. On the way there I leaned into the wall a little. I got light-headed. I had been to two doctors this week and my blood pressure was a little high. When I took it here at home it was the same as it was at the doctor.

I just can’t do this alone anymore. As long as he is confused and needs to be rolled so often in bed I need help. Please pray that someone responsible will answer my ad.

So far Al is saying he does not want to go to Day Program tomorrow. It is serious when he said this. I never in my life I thought I would hear those words.

The shower girl will be here tomorrow morning. According to how he is, he will either have a shower or a bed bath, and then I guess we shall know then whether he is going.

If Al is going to remain home I definitely have to have help. I need to get to the grocery store. No one delivers to homes in our area.

I have been working triple time to slow down my mind. I have stayed either with Al today or on the couch lying down. Al never slept all day but then at nine tonight he took a little nap.

I got a call from the Hospice Doctor this evening. I was surprised to receive this on a weekend. He was checking on Al and he definitely told me that the medicines he took Al off of will not shorten his life span, but neither are they doing him any good any longer.

He told me Al should not go to Day Program and I agree, but I am still leaving it up to Al and how he is feeling, but it seems Al is figuring it out all on his own. The doctor told me that each day Al will now become weaker and each time he is made to move around he will suffer more and more.

He stated a weird thing when I really think about it. He said, ” Each day Al is one day closer to dying.” I already knew this. I think doctors and nurses beat around the bush. They have ethics and politeness when sometimes I would rather hear the bold truth, but then again, why. It doesn’t matter. I try to make each day count.

When I roll him it is a huge struggle and I get stressed because I feel like I can’t do it. I know Al knows it is hard because he kept telling me he was sorry. Of course I would feel guilt that I verbalized my groans of pushing and moving and I would tell him it isn’t his fault, that I know if he could help he would for sure.

His tremors just this weekend have curled his toes up bad. He has a large looking hammer toe now from the curling. His arms won’t stay to the side of his body. They repeatedly make their way back to his stomach area.

No matter when I went in to check on him his hands were holding each other and he was beating himself in the stomach from the tremors. I have to wonder if I can get his shoes on him.

With all of the doses of pain medications  no one can seem to get the tremors to stop. I believe in my heart that the only one who can stop those tremors is God.

I don’t know the time but I am thankful that I have put up our Christmas Tree. I told Al I was going to put up white lights for him in his bedroom today but I never made it to that. Hopefully tomorrow.

I let the house go today. I fixed a meal. I cooked chicken legs and de-boned them. I cooked noodles in the broth and made instant mashed potatoes. I also made a pudding for Al. I took the seasonal pumpkin pie spice Jello pudding mix and added beaten cream cheese and a container of cool-whip, then enough milk to make it the consistency he needed.

He ate one doughnut yesterday. Today he ate about five bites of pudding two different times. He also ate about a fourth of cup of noodles. He didn’t eat much but he ate more than yesterday. I could hear his tummy growling but he is barely eating.

Well the day is over, hopefully. I am headed to bed to get some much-needed sleep. Keep us in your prayers for a helper to arrive. Hugs to all of you for your love, friendship and support. I couldn’t do it without the emails, phone calls, and comments.beautiful-christmas-scene-christmas-wallpaper.jpg

What Happened?


Last night Al finally went to sleep later in the evening to only wake up at half past midnight. I could not hold my eyes open anymore so when he slept, I laid on the couch. I think my mind shut down immediately.

When he woke up at a much shorter time than my body was hoping for I took care of  his needs and then wrote a prompt for Alastair. By then I wasn’t tired, but I went to bed. I don’t know what I watched but I flipped the TV on and saw Hallmark is now letting us view Christmas movies.

Oh Christmas, the word can cause such stress for me. How can that be? Christmas was always a wonderful, sparkly word. Full of thoughts of snowflakes.Snowflake-Screen-Saver_1 A time for family to get together and feast on the best foods of all.Christmas-Wedding-Food-2 A time for Christmas dazzles, pretty lights and trees.Christmas tree 2013

A time for play, to forget all of our problems and for this one season take our minds off of ourselves and think of others. Build snowmen, make snow angels, go sledding, have fun.kids sledding

And then something happens. We get no notice, it just slips in underneath of us and once we realize what happened, the sorrow sets in. I don’t know if it has ever slipped in on you too, but I know it has for me.

I look at all my wonderful memories of the photos above and I rub my chin and squint my eyes and I ask myself, what happened? where did everyone go? where is the laughter?

I feel this way very much this year. There is no Christmas spirit in my house, but our tree is up. There is no snowflakes yet, but my white lights are up. Isn’t it awesome how snowflakes bounce off the reflection of the white lights?

Oh this brings me so much joy, the scenery played out at the holidays. There are no presents under the tree as of yet. My gift I ask for this year has to come from God; to bring peace to the inside of this home. To continue to bring understanding, lots of love, and plenty of compassion. To relieve Al from his suffering and to thank God for sending Jesus into my life. This is my one and only gift and yet no one can buy it for me.

As I sit here waiting for Al to get up I let my mind wander back in time. I listen carefully and I can hear Dad laughing and Mom yelling because the food is not perfect. I can see my Grandfather starting up the 1954 Ford tractor. He is getting ready to pull us behind it on an old truck hood.

I can smell yeast rolls baking and see a big bird cooling on the stove. There are pies at the square folding table. I hear giggles from all of my cousins as they race through the house full of excitement of opening presents later.

I see me in my best Christmas dress; all frilly red with white anklets, black patent leather shoes, and my hand muff, all fluffy white. I can hear Grandfather telling everyone at the table to hold hands and I can remember his words of grace.

I can hear the laughter around the table and glasses clicking, utensils digging into mounds of food and I cry now. I cry for the joy of being able to remember. I cry for what Al and I will not have anymore, and I cry for what is about to happen to our lives.

God is good, God has the perfect plan. I don’t always like it, but I have to follow it because I know he is right. As I sit here wondering about Christmas this year at my house, I know one child that will be here, one child that won’t be here and the other child I won’t know until it gets closer to Christmas.

I realize I am never alone. I have you and God and my children, my health and my memories, and of course today, I still have Al. It is important that I stand tall and brace life knowing I will hit bumps. So in closing I will light my candles, and while waiting for Al to get up, I will play my ultimate favorite Christmas song. Together this will cause a smile to come on my face and I will walk into my brother’s room ready to tackle yet one more day.

Sunday Photo Fiction; Flash Fiction


http://sundayphotofictioner.wordpress.com/

mask 2It was date night. The two will have been married 25 years tomorrow, but tonight, this is special. Once a month Bob and Sue planned a date; a time to spend with no other. No cell phones, no grandchildren, no TV.

They decided on this outing they would meet as potential strangers at the entry way of the theater. He dressed in his finest, she in layers of frills, perfumed from the heavens, their eyes met.

He flirting, she acting coy, they touched hands and electricity went through them bringing desire from deep within from each.

The two stood together holding hands watching people drift in and get their ticket passes. Admiring the clothing, smiling into each others eyes. One by one the crowd thinned as each took their seat.

Sue and Bob were about ready to get their pass when at the last moment he squeezed her hand and pulled her towards him. Leading her down the darkened hallway past the exit sign, he stopped in front of the ladies restroom.

Peeking in, seeing no one, he drew her in and leaned her against the wall pulling her dress up, lowering his hands, finding love.