What Happened?


Last night Al finally went to sleep later in the evening to only wake up at half past midnight. I could not hold my eyes open anymore so when he slept, I laid on the couch. I think my mind shut down immediately.

When he woke up at a much shorter time than my body was hoping for I took care of  his needs and then wrote a prompt for Alastair. By then I wasn’t tired, but I went to bed. I don’t know what I watched but I flipped the TV on and saw Hallmark is now letting us view Christmas movies.

Oh Christmas, the word can cause such stress for me. How can that be? Christmas was always a wonderful, sparkly word. Full of thoughts of snowflakes.Snowflake-Screen-Saver_1 A time for family to get together and feast on the best foods of all.Christmas-Wedding-Food-2 A time for Christmas dazzles, pretty lights and trees.Christmas tree 2013

A time for play, to forget all of our problems and for this one season take our minds off of ourselves and think of others. Build snowmen, make snow angels, go sledding, have fun.kids sledding

And then something happens. We get no notice, it just slips in underneath of us and once we realize what happened, the sorrow sets in. I don’t know if it has ever slipped in on you too, but I know it has for me.

I look at all my wonderful memories of the photos above and I rub my chin and squint my eyes and I ask myself, what happened? where did everyone go? where is the laughter?

I feel this way very much this year. There is no Christmas spirit in my house, but our tree is up. There is no snowflakes yet, but my white lights are up. Isn’t it awesome how snowflakes bounce off the reflection of the white lights?

Oh this brings me so much joy, the scenery played out at the holidays. There are no presents under the tree as of yet. My gift I ask for this year has to come from God; to bring peace to the inside of this home. To continue to bring understanding, lots of love, and plenty of compassion. To relieve Al from his suffering and to thank God for sending Jesus into my life. This is my one and only gift and yet no one can buy it for me.

As I sit here waiting for Al to get up I let my mind wander back in time. I listen carefully and I can hear Dad laughing and Mom yelling because the food is not perfect. I can see my Grandfather starting up the 1954 Ford tractor. He is getting ready to pull us behind it on an old truck hood.

I can smell yeast rolls baking and see a big bird cooling on the stove. There are pies at the square folding table. I hear giggles from all of my cousins as they race through the house full of excitement of opening presents later.

I see me in my best Christmas dress; all frilly red with white anklets, black patent leather shoes, and my hand muff, all fluffy white. I can hear Grandfather telling everyone at the table to hold hands and I can remember his words of grace.

I can hear the laughter around the table and glasses clicking, utensils digging into mounds of food and I cry now. I cry for the joy of being able to remember. I cry for what Al and I will not have anymore, and I cry for what is about to happen to our lives.

God is good, God has the perfect plan. I don’t always like it, but I have to follow it because I know he is right. As I sit here wondering about Christmas this year at my house, I know one child that will be here, one child that won’t be here and the other child I won’t know until it gets closer to Christmas.

I realize I am never alone. I have you and God and my children, my health and my memories, and of course today, I still have Al. It is important that I stand tall and brace life knowing I will hit bumps. So in closing I will light my candles, and while waiting for Al to get up, I will play my ultimate favorite Christmas song. Together this will cause a smile to come on my face and I will walk into my brother’s room ready to tackle yet one more day.

25 thoughts on “What Happened?

    • Yes it can. I am trying the hardest I can but to be honest I don’t even know what is happening here at home for Christmas with Al, so I have no choice but to go with the flow. Hugs Rusha

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  1. Christmas changes as we get older. It no longer means presents as it did when we were kids. Yes, it is way too commercialised now, but the adults think of the real meaning behind Christmas. The fact that someone was born and it is a way to celebrate the life that he gave us all.

    There is a plan. There is always a plan. Unfortunately, it is a “need to know” and apparently we don’t need to know 😉 I hope your day is as good as it can be Terry. Take care my friend

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    • Having no family left, and the fact that gifts are outrageous in price, really changes Christmas, but Jesus, the reason is still solid and strong. Hello my dear friend

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      • Yes he is for the most part, for the people who believe 🙂 and the fact that you believe makes him special to you and Al.

        🙂 I hope your day is as good as it can be Terry

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  2. I always wait until my son’s birthday end of November is out of hte way before I start anything Christmassy. It is too commercialised and presents are too pricy. I do like a Christmas tree and reflection why we celebrate. It does look great though at night walking with all the lights on. I was so not into Christmas last year as my dad was so bad, but this year I am making more effort and I intend to go to a Christmas market too, they are lovely , warmly wrapped up. I alos want to volunteer with soup kitchens or something like that if I can. It is us 3 at Christmas and I don’t need to cook for lots, I have no family here, so it will be easy.

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    • Emotionally it will be quite difficult this year at Christmas. I can’t afford gifts like I used to, Things have changed, still have a hard time since Dad has gone, and I don’t know what is happening with Al. I will just follow the road

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  3. And then something happens. We get no notice, it just slips in underneath of us and once we realize what happened, the sorrow sets in. I don’t know if it has ever slipped in on you too, but I know it has for me.” WOW did you capture my feelings and sadness over this holiday any more! I am so glad you have all the beautiful memories of Christmas…my grandmother raised me as a Jehovah’s Witness and they did not believe in celebrating any holiday even birthdays.

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  4. As someone else said, Christmas changes as we get older. Everything changes as we get older. My best memories are from childhood. We need to embrace the changes and keep the memories. We can’t compare life now to the wonder of childhood. The Lord knows what He is doing. Hugs Terry!

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    • Yes you are right. I think it would be easier if I knew what was happening with Al, this makes it very emotional for me this year, but I am thankful for my memories but at the same time it makes me very sad

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  5. I’m listening to Christmas music too…begins here on a Radio station the 1st of November through Christmas… non-stop…
    My daughter-in-law texted me a photo of her Christmas tree already up…She LOVES Christmas!…if you weren’t in the mood …she would get you there!…

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  6. Praying for peace for you and THANK YOU for the reminder that God does indeed have the perfect plan for our lives 🙂 So glad to hear that in your post today. Sending some good thoughts your way, Terry!

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  7. I too am realizing I am not alone – the holidays will be difficult for both of us but our memories and the love we have for everyone in our lives will get us through. Hugs to both you and Al.

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  8. Pingback: The New Talk | terry1954

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