Last weekend on Hallmark station the Christmas movies began. I refused to watch any of them. After all it is weeks before Christmas morning. Even as I sit here staring at what I think is our beautiful tree.
This weekend has started out pretty good. Al hasn’t gotten out of bed but it’s alright. It is warm but windy outside. I keep seeing leaves fluttering outside the window, reminding me of winter coming.
It was almost like a silent rebel inside of me. I knew those movies were on. The feel good, family, love, everyone happy movies. I left my TV off most of the day, but this forced me to listen to Al’s TV which had football games on. Sorry friends I am not a football fan.
Then I did it. I flipped the TV on and turned it to the station, Hallmark. There it was staring me in the face. Pretty snow flakes, smiling faces, people getting engaged. Wow, I was starting to feel like a real Scrooge.
I didn’t like that conclusion but I didn’t like the sadness that ripped across my heart either. Tender memories of Mom and Dad. Hustle and bustle of trimming trees, sharing holidays with the entire family. Wow, once again I felt like I had went from a feeling of seven down to a two.
What nonsense I was doing to myself. Mom and Dad wouldn’t want me sulking and missing out on making more memories. I want to fall in love again and yet I refused to watch someone else experiencing that feeling.
Was I jealous? Maybe, not sure. I have a family of my own. My brother, and three kids, their kids and two new ones coming next year. Why am I wasting time on past memories that make me sad? Of course there is never a day I don’t think of our parents, but life moves forward and I need to try too.
I have not turned the TV off, I have watched from my cozy couch or from the stove while cooking Al and me supper movie after movie. A part of me feels lighter, happier. The holidays are coming whether we like it or not.
People will celebrate in what ever form they are accustomed to. I refuse to sit here and dwell on what was or worry about whether Al is going to be here at Christmas. I am working with all of my human power to enjoy today.
Today with Al, tomorrow with tossing leaves, cooler weather, snowflakes that will fall, Thanksgiving with which ever kids show up and Christmas, a time of making new and better memories and giving thanks for baby Jesus being born.