Figuring It Out

How powerful is our mind? Have you ever thought maybe you did something at some point in your life but you aren’t positive? Can our minds play tricks on our memories?

Maybe, I know for me I have one vision that I dream about and one that just pops into my head when ever it feels like. One of them I know it is very possible that I saw this area in my year in Germany. The other vision I am not sure if I lived it or I wished it.

The one I think about often only comes to me in my dreams. A red-circle, brick walking path. I always see the same dream each time. A cement round bench with a big shade tree in the  middle.

I always vision Germans walking and riding their bikes. Sunny days with my first-born in her over-sized carriage sitting on the bench smiling and enjoying my view. I don’t actually remember this place in my waking hours. I don’t ever remember being a way from my husband long enough to have that much time to myself.

I can remember taking her for many walks, strolling the store fronts, a time of peace and happy times. Oh don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband very much. He was in the military and in the warm months I took her on many walks;  but being by myself and not doing for others was always a joy I cherished.

The other vision I have but, usually in my waking hours is the little white house with the picket fence. It looks pretty much like this photo I borrowed from the internet.

I can’t imagine I ever got to live in something this nice and adorable with the kind of life I had as a very young child. I have a sneaky feeling that the child in me wishes that I had lived that simple life.

My parents were young when I was born. Being young doesn’t make a good mix for remaining married and this was my case. Parental kidnapping and divorce, fights and too much of the bottle makes me believe that house never existed.

I don’t sit and ponder on this, but just like today I was sitting here eating my breakfast. Prior to that I was feeding Al and changing his bedding, bathing him and brushing my teeth. I can remember thinking I wish I could eat my breakfast too.

When I made my breakfast and was sitting here at the computer with Hallmark Christmas movies on, and eating my eggs and toast, the little white house appeared in my mind once again.

I decided I needed to figure out what it was that brought that image back again and again. Now that I look back at my words I have some fuzzy ideas. It must have something to do with that vision of Germany. A mixture of a happy childhood, comfort of a home with happy faces all around. It makes sense.

But accepting what happened as a child and letting the visions drop seems to be another issue. I realize also that when I face these visions I find myself with tears of sadness. I guess for what once never was, and hoping it did exist.

I didn’t ask to be born or taken from my home. The only time I got to decide and make choices for me alone was when I moved out from the family home. When we are young we see so many scenes in different views.

When we get older we get to go back. With age and habitual living we sometimes have regrets. For me I have regrets of a life I had no choices to make. I do see the positive though in my past life.

I worked much harder at letting my children see that I loved them. Telling them how I feel about them is high on my priority list. Spending time on the phone or in person is so important to me.

So I think in the end, a little tidbit of more information is these thoughts, visions and dreams come when I am feeling the most alone.

Alright, now that I have figured a little more of me out, what do I do with this new information? I don’t know yet.