Please God, Please Help

I am writing only because I just want to sit down and cry my eyes out. I know I have written enough posts for today but I just have to write one more, this one.

I am so thankful that Al is home. More that I can be the one who watches over him than strangers. I love him where doctors and nurses do not.

Al has not been himself at all today. I have learned through the day that there have been no real expressions from him but tears. I have found out that his vision is awful now. He can not see the wonderful Christmas cards you are sending. He tells me he is dying because he knows he is getting worse.

I don’t think he is getting worse as much as he is suffering the medication changes. He is on too many bad drugs now. It is a war I tell you. A tug and pull war. If Al and I want him to be pain-free, then it is drugs that are used. If we want Al lively then we trade that for pain.

His love for his vintage cars has disappointed him today as he can not even lift one car with his arms. He is so weak that moving him from the bed to a wheelchair is almost impossible. He is just like a bowl of jelly and he feels very heavy with his body being dead weight.

He did eat lunch which is a good thing. He wanted pizza for supper so I ordered it for him. With his appetite not dropping I have hope to carry in my heart. But seeing him like this just sickens me.

Oh dear God please, please take my brother home. I beg of you to not let him suffer anymore. I am assuming that his body is trying to adjust to these new medications but in the mean time, my heart is breaking as I look at a body that Al lives within but I don’t recognize.

When is the point when neither of us can take it anymore. God promises to not give us more than we can handle, but Lord? I feel today that I am at that point. Please hear me speaking Lord. Heal him, either bring him back to me so he can live a little or take him home. I know I can’t boss you God, but I can tell you my inner feelings, so here I am.

Naked and laying at your feet asking for mercy for my poor, sick brother, Al. Amen





Gloom Inside And Out

Al is home today. I wanted to take a new photo of him but I couldn’t do it. His face is nothing but a red rash from all of these medications he is taking. He came home in tears. He is not himself. I would say he is moving in extra slow motion due to medications.

He keeps telling me he is getting weaker. I think it is the medications doing it. I asked him if he had any pizza while he was gone and he said no. I asked him if he would like some for supper and he said yes.

It didn’t take long for me to feel a little down from seeing someone else  in that body than my brother, so I left. I went outside in the gloom and took some photos. Winter is showing its lack of color. I did find some green grass in places.

The sun is trying so hard to peek out but it is struggling. Although death and our mom is the topic inside, and outside looks lifeless, I know that soon, things will change and life will burst forth once again.

Here are the photos I took and of course Rhino wanted in the fun too.DSC00159


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Al and Rhino 3me, september two thousand thirteencaregiver