A Good Laugh Was Needed Today
Today I escaped the house for an hour. I had to go to the Pharmacy and pick up a new medication for…
The Secret Place
Is this where Al lives when he leaves
A place I don’t know but can only grieve?
Is he seeing a place filled with smiles
That I can only wish for a little while?
Is he floating above his pain so great
Is he standing close to the golden gates?
Does he dream of when he was a child
When life was smooth and very mild?
Is he sitting with our Mom and Dad
Is he speaking of all the plans he had?
Has he seen a glimpse of Jesus too
Will he come back and tell us, me and you?
Is there a spot within his heart
That he really does want to part?
I hope with all I have to dare
That he always remembers I did care.
I wish for him to have some peace
You know he was here on a life-time lease.
I told him last night that he should go
That I understand his pain and this I know.
His eyes were dazed but I know he heard
My voice, my love in every word.
When the time does come and he must go
I know I will miss him and my tears will show.
For he is the best brother no doubt
He holds my heart with a heavy clout.
So dear God I said it for real
I told him to go I made no deal.
Now when you come and lift him high
And in a blink he is in the skies.
Please keep telling him he is the best
I made him promise he would save me a spot
He smiled at me and took all I got.
My heart, my soul and my memories too
Will be here waiting to see him and you.
Today I escaped the house for an hour. I had to go to the Pharmacy and pick up a new medication for Al. Lyrica, the doctor is hoping it will help his pain while his body contracts into a smaller body.
I went by my old elementary school on my way home. I don’t know why I revisit places like this. Maybe I am yearning for my free youth. Maybe I enjoy the memories. I stopped in front of the school and had a chuckle.
It was recess time. Remember those recess times? Freedom from studying, being quiet and listening to the teacher talk on and on and on? A time to forget the world and frolic and play.
I can remember catching grasshoppers in the back yard of the school. I remember playing tether ball. I really liked that game. A ball on a rope and a single pole. Playing it with another student trying my best to get it to go around past until I scored a win.
Playing chalk hop scotch and jump rope. Even as I sit here writing I look at my life now and back then and I would have never dreamed that it was going to play out like it is. Here I am caring for my brother. I have done a lot with my life and yet nothing that anyone will remember.
I sat in my car just smiling and then it dawned on me the weather. It has been very warm for December here lately but that all changed this afternoon. Now we are in the thirties and we are going to only be in the high of twenties for a few days.
But when I was at the school it was still forty something outside. I watched the kids as they ran and played and part of me envied their free spirit. The innocence of a child not having to worry about sick people, or bills or how they are going to eat.
Then I looked down at myself. I laughed out loud. I had a sweatshirt and sweatpants on. The heater was on in the car. All my windows were rolled up. The oldies station was being heard on the radio.
As I enjoyed watching these young people I saw that their clothing was quite different from mine. Some had shorts on and sweatshirts. Others had jeans and jackets wrapped around their waist. Some had jackets that were unzipped and flying in the breeze.
I laughed so hard when I realized I was or am becoming my parents and grandparents. I used to laugh at my family because in the fall I was wearing my shorts and Mom was saying she was so cold.
Where does the time go and how does it slide so quickly without us realizing it? In my mind I am still young. There are more and more days that my body reminds me that on my birthday I will be that big scary number 60.
I watched them for a bit longer and then started the car. I turned my fifties music up. It was Elvis Presley singing Rubberneckin. I had revisited my youth, picked up medications for a very ill brother, and noticed time had been ticking all these years. I was definitely becoming my Mother.
Life is still running here at home. Last night wasn’t that fun for Al and it certainly rubbed off on me making me sad also. Al had a visitor and he cried and spoke about death the entire time. Before long I was crying like a big baby.
I swear in my heart which I may be protecting myself or I really don’t know but these changes in Al are due to the medicine changes and not his illness. But who knows, only God.
He slept about four hours and then was awake on and off the rest of the night. His one leg is contracted now so that it lays on its side, and then both knees are hugging each other. I imagine it has to hurt. I have noticed that his whole body is just sort of shriveling? I don’t know if that is the correct word but this contraction thing is for the birds.
He is starting on a new medication today to try to help the bones while the contraction is going on. It, of course is going to make him drowsy and may affect his vision, the paper work says.
Just what we don’t need. He is already suffering from blurry vision and is zoning in and out most of the time. I worry about tomorrow as he goes to Day Program how he will get through it. I will be asking him if he really feels like going.
Today Al received some more Christmas Cards. One of them is musical and lights up. Two of the other cards are made by children, which these cards are so adorable. One card is for me.
So I want to thank,
and Cheryl W.
Thank-you all. Al holds his cards like they are precious cargo. You are all so kind to him and me. Big hugs