My Heart Is Broken


I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It heals me and gives me a soft place to fall.

Today I spent time with Al at the hospital. Then I went to the grocery store to buy the items needed for Christmas Dinner. Once home and putting the groceries a way I clicked on WP and then turned a way from it.

Now it is almost 8pm and the tears have begun to fall. It is strange how silence and a sense of loneliness come out of the woodwork once darkness falls upon us.

A Specialist, and Doctors along with Hospice had a conference and came to the agreement that there was nothing left to try for Al. They took him off of his remaining medications. The only thing he will remain on is his pain medications.

Al’s body is still continuing to contract. Now when you try to do a brief change or turn him in a new position he reeks in pain. He stutters from the pain medication. I can barely make out any words he is saying.

He realizes I am his sister, he recognizes the time but yet he is floating a little. He fiddled with his sheets, wadding it into a ball.  He picked at them, he was hot than sweaty. He was cranky and irritable.

He is being dismissed tomorrow morning to come home to remain here for what ever time he has remaining. The caregiver will be here and I am so thankful for this.

My heart is broken as I realize that Al will find no peace here on earth while he waits to be taken by God. My heart is broken because all has been tried and all doors are shut now.

I pray for a quick release for him. I pray his pain will be swiftly gone. It just doesn’t seem fair, not fair at all. Being mentally challenged didn’t give him opportunities for girlfriends, marriage, a family of his own. Being ridiculed by his Father sure didn’t make his life any better. Having a heart attack at barely over fifty wasn’t right. But now this, a terrible disease called Multiple System Atrophy, (MSA) is going to drag him to the end. It is going to force Al to endure the wicked pain until his last breath.

I am so glad and feel very honored that I have had these past six years to show Al what fun life could really be. I wish there was something I could do but there is not. I will do my best to bring him comfort. I will read the Bible to him, sing to him and hold his hand. I will continue to tell him how much he is loved. I will not stop until I know he is free of pain.

al and rhino4

88 thoughts on “My Heart Is Broken

    • Thank you so very much. It is definitely going to be a new level of trial in my life. More patience, more understanding. I don’t know if I can love him anymore but I will do all I can for him

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  1. I know that it is probably little comfort right now Terry, but Al will have the perfect body and mind in heaven. Whatever he lost here on earth, his reward will outweigh it. The pain will be gone, no more tears, nor sorrow for him there. You are in my prayers, both of you! Love you and wish I could be there in person to help and hold your hand!

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  2. Hi Terry, Once Al is in the presence of the Lord, he will be instantly healed. God has a huge blessing for you. He has seen your pain, tears, strength, but also your soft, and caring heart. You have taken care of His child, now He is preparing a feast for you. Even though, I am praying for a miracle, God has the ultimate say. Should He choose to bring Al home, do not despair, as God will fill that void. Your posts have touched many lives, and you have no idea, as to how your words have brought a sense of peace, to so many of us. Your extended family will continue to rally behind you. As I said, should Al go, your future post will probably change. I’m just wondering how God is going to use you, this time around. Blessings.

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    • Thank you my friend. When I started blogging I asked God to lead me through my posts. I hope that he will give me a new task in my life after Al is free of his pain. Big hugs to you and so nice to talk to you again

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  3. My heart aches for you Terry. I can so relate to your wanting to write but being unable to. Grief is so debilitating. Waiting is so wearing. Even just thinking about talking to people on the phone is exhausting.
    I feel your pain and wish you peace and love over the holiday. I hope that Al will slip away peacefully and comfortably.
    In my thoughts……
    Debbie

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  4. Our hearts are heavy with sadness as you and Al go through this experience. May God honor him, and you, and provide you both with the peace you deserve. May you feel His peace and Presence in your home and in your heart.

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  5. Hubby and I are praying for ease of passage for Al. We are asking for God to show His mercy and grace to both of you and to comfort you with His strength.
    Sending you hugs and comfort.

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  6. Terry I assure you, it’ll be peaceful ~ he’ll be lucid enough to feel peace & know you’re there… he’ll fall asleep sweetly, and you will sense his peace surrounding you ~ Fear nothing Terry and, reassure him that he’ll have much joy when he’s in God’s arms after so long. My sister went through a good deal, too, but was peaceful when called Home. Al isn’t alone now either ~ angels are with him. I’m here for you my heroine ! I love you ~ Debbie

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  7. Terry – I don’t know you but I feel I do – big hugs sent your way – I really don’t know what else to do – you have strength beyond words and Al deserves peace and comfort soon – I don’t believe God will let him last that long in so much pain..praying for you both tonight that you will both find peace soon.

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  8. I am so sorry, Terry. Words seem in all ways inadequate to comfort you right now, but you and Al remain in my thoughts and prayers. I will pray for Al’s comfort and for a quick release from his suffering. I pray that whatever time he has left will be time in which happy memories are made despite the tragedy. May God wrap you and Al in the warmth of his love and the peace of his presence.

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  9. Dear Sister in Christ, I am so sorry to learn what you and your brother are going through. I pray for the Spirit of Comfort to be with you and your brother during this excruciating time. Thank you for sharing your heart.

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    • Thanks. How kind you are to reblog this. Yes, Christmas is not always the brightest day of the year, I agree. Many homeless and much emptiness in this world. Thank you

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  10. Hi Terry,yes it’s hard but try to fill your mind with the thoughts of how good Al will feel when he sees his Saviour face to face!! Wow what peace and joy he will have,God is aware of your sorrow and pain and I’m asking Him to give the strength to stand,and to calm Al’s pain all the way down! God is able,and He loves you both dearly!
    Love you much!

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  11. My heart goes out to you and Al Terry, as I know how you feel and what you are going through. Be strong and well sweetness. Thinking of both of you. 😀 *big hugs*

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  12. Terry, my thoughts goes out to you …. and why have does all bad news reach us just before Christmas, they are bad when ever they hit us, but a lot harder around Christmas.
    I hope that Al are getting all the help he can and that they make his existence so painless as possible – I will have my first Christmas ever as an adult without my mom .. going to be strange, but she will keep my heart warm during even more than.

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    • it is always hard for me at Christmas without my parents. Al is in so much pain I doubt if he enjoys his Christmas at all. When ever he is awake he is so miserable. he is just a mess. I feel so bad for him

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      • Terry, I truly hope that they will be able to … make Al’s life more comfortable … what ever that means they have to give him, morphine helps against the most severer pains.
        It’s not right that he has to suffer like he does.
        You’re so often in my thoughts.

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  13. Hugsss to youuuuuu…. May all your pain be rewarded with the greatest of ease. There is a belief that those who suffered will not remember any of it in the Hereafter, please always remember this…

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  14. Father God, I know you hear Terry’s agony over her brother’s illness. I know that you feel what they are feeling because your word says that you have us engraved in the palm of your hand. You Father are a miracle worker. You birth possibilities from impossibilities. I pray that Father you would turn his pain to joy and laughter. I pray that you would revive his spirit and make him whole again. Father, if your will is to bring another angel into the heavens, I pray that you expedite the journey and end the pain. I also petition that Terry and all family and friends be encamped with your loving angels and bring much warmth and love during this time of sorrow in Jesus Name, Amen.

    Big Hug Terry, my heart is with you, Blessings, Emma

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