My Heart Is Broken

I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It heals me and gives me a soft place to fall.

Today I spent time with Al at the hospital. Then I went to the grocery store to buy the items needed for Christmas Dinner. Once home and putting the groceries a way I clicked on WP and then turned a way from it.

Now it is almost 8pm and the tears have begun to fall. It is strange how silence and a sense of loneliness come out of the woodwork once darkness falls upon us.

A Specialist, and Doctors along with Hospice had a conference and came to the agreement that there was nothing left to try for Al. They took him off of his remaining medications. The only thing he will remain on is his pain medications.

Al’s body is still continuing to contract. Now when you try to do a brief change or turn him in a new position he reeks in pain. He stutters from the pain medication. I can barely make out any words he is saying.

He realizes I am his sister, he recognizes the time but yet he is floating a little. He fiddled with his sheets, wadding it into a ball.  He picked at them, he was hot than sweaty. He was cranky and irritable.

He is being dismissed tomorrow morning to come home to remain here for what ever time he has remaining. The caregiver will be here and I am so thankful for this.

My heart is broken as I realize that Al will find no peace here on earth while he waits to be taken by God. My heart is broken because all has been tried and all doors are shut now.

I pray for a quick release for him. I pray his pain will be swiftly gone. It just doesn’t seem fair, not fair at all. Being mentally challenged didn’t give him opportunities for girlfriends, marriage, a family of his own. Being ridiculed by his Father sure didn’t make his life any better. Having a heart attack at barely over fifty wasn’t right. But now this, a terrible disease called Multiple System Atrophy, (MSA) is going to drag him to the end. It is going to force Al to endure the wicked pain until his last breath.

I am so glad and feel very honored that I have had these past six years to show Al what fun life could really be. I wish there was something I could do but there is not. I will do my best to bring him comfort. I will read the Bible to him, sing to him and hold his hand. I will continue to tell him how much he is loved. I will not stop until I know he is free of pain.