If There is Truly a God and a Satan

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Up until last night I was able to find the little things in life that bring me joy. But I have almost given up as the truth is inside this house, there is no joy.

Moaning, screams of pain, rambling on where no words can be understood. Doctors saying nothing else can be done are just more than I can handle any longer.

Al is so angry at God. This is all a new side I have never seen. He says God is ignoring him and for the first time I have to question whether there truly is a God.

With Al being mentally challenged and completely bed bound there are no lessons for him to be learning anymore. Al can not see beyond the pain any longer. I can’t accept the answers that God may be using his illness to teach me something.

In fact that just irritates the crap out of me. I want to scream out loud, Don’t even use my brother to teach me a lesson. For then the guilt I carry within seeing him suffer is way beyond the stability that I try to carry.

If God has a lesson to teach me or if God thinks that by letting Al continue to suffer it will back fire, because all I can feel is anger within at seeing him suffer.

The moments that Al is not asleep is pure hell here. His body is contracted, his body is burning up. His vision is total blur. His body doesn’t tolerate the high doses of medications he is on. There is no balance. If you give him higher dose he abuses himself from the opposite effect the medicine should have.

The doctors are refusing to give him anything else. They don’t know the answers either. And if they don’t know the answers after years of schooling how can anyone expect me to know them.

When Al is awake I can hear Al screaming out, ” Please, please help me. Somebody help me. God why aren’t you taking me home?” These are words that are repeated so many times I can not begin to count them.

I can bring no comfort, no joy to his life. I have begun to feel like Al and I are actually living in hell and if there is a heaven, then surely this will be his reward when he passes. I continue to beg God,” If you truly exist than take him home now. There is no more perfect moment than now.” But, nothing happens. Al is still here and suffers a little more each day.

My body is drained. Doing housework has become a chore. Christmas coming makes me want to vomit. The joy of listening to Christmas music and baking sugar cookies makes me ill.

If Satan has tried every trick he has then he is winning over Al and it is trickling into me also. If there truly is a God and a Satan, which one is winning?

 

cat

80 thoughts on “If There is Truly a God and a Satan”

  2. Terry, my friend I know right now you don’t need preaching to but God is still with you, he is always with you. Everything happens according to his plan, although it is said we should not question, I understand you doing so and God knows what is in your heart. Why do we have to see and feel anothers suffering, I don’t know I only know that I sttod in my yard screaming at the top of my lungs when my daughter was murdered. I cursed God told him what a rotten son of a bitch he was that he was a fake and more. But I now know he was there and he knew what was really in my heart and the pain I was going through and he continues to love me anyway. I believe that he knows what is in yours and Als heart too, why he doesn’t take Al and end his suffering is not for you or I to know evidently. I will pray that Al is taken soon to end his suffering and for you to have a restored faith. Terry read from the bible to Al it will help you both. Much love my friend

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  3. Yes, there is an adversary that will continue to instil pain, and suffering. He does not want you to call upon the Lord, as he wants to keep you in total darkness. His primary purpose is for you to curse God, and deny Him. You are not the only one who has gotten angry at God in the past. We all have. One thing for sure. In spite of what has taken place, He will never leave you, nor forsake you. Don’t fall into satan’s trap. That’s what he wants. In the Bible, we read about Job.Now, there’s a person who truly suffered. In the end, he was doubly blessed by God. We don’t know what God is up to, but remember this, He will turn what satan meant for evil, into something good. Don’t give up on God. Your writing family loves you, and will continue to uphold you before the Lord. Be strong my friend. You and Al, are in my prayers. Continued blessings.

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    • Thank you so much for not judging me. My frustration for watching Al suffer is very high. I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is Al is suffering day and night, screaming to die

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  5. I will so sad over what poor Al is going through and with him you – wish I could ease things for you both. For me there is no God or Satan … it’s only life as it’s, not fair for far too many people, so the rest I will not get into. We have all the same right to believe in what ever we want. There is no right or wrong. I hope that your faith will keep on keeping you strong.

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      • Terry, you said it … just terrible that he have to suffer so much and be in such a pain. Can’t they give him morphine??? It’s so unfair – and if I believed in God I would be very angry just now. Nobody should have to have an end like Al does.

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  6. It sounds as though the medications are not doing what they should?

    Wishing you strongs, sweet blogfriend! You have probably discovered by now that you have resources where you thought you had no more. Thinking of you both. May his pain stop soon, one way or another.

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    • unfortunately for Al he doesn’t absorb these medications. They make him crazy and he screams out and moans and groans. he talks out of his mind. That alone is making me crazy myself in pain for his suffering. I want him to be out of his pain. I want God to take him home and let him rest

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      • :’-( if it is already that bad. I’m thinking of you two. May he find peace soon, and may you find the strength to get through this hell. Remember now and then to take some minutes for yourself, silence or meditation or a cup of coffee away from home, because you need to stay sane.

        It takes hellish temperature and pressure to make a diamond. I think your soul is currently going through a diamonding process. Chances are, so is his. Your karma is linked with his; the Taoists believe that life after life we meet and interact with the same main people because we are karmically linked to them. If you watch “As it is in Heaven”, that film explores the concept beautifully. It’s a hectic film to watch for someone in a state like you, but I think maybe the conclusion will make it worth your while.

        Following that theory, in the next round you both will return as much higher developed souls with important missions. And the chances are you will once again be close family, or even soul mates. We never lose the people we love – Death cannot part us.

        I hope this reply will soothe and not upset you, I realize I’m merely telling you my own personal beliefs, but perhaps they will help. And yes, I do believe in an omnipresent God-style being / spirit / energy; sometimes I think it’s the matter our souls are made of. We are all part of the same glistening Web of Light.

        Much love and light!

        AQ the green fairy

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  7. There’s an old Native American belief that you can’t leave this earth until you’ve done everything that you were sent here to do. I like to believe that to be true. Maybe Al’s suffering will cause doctors to do more research so the next person with this horrible disease doesn’t suffer so much. I don’t know. Hang in there girly. You are not alone though it may seem like it.

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    • Maybe you are right. No one here understands MSA this is for sure. I just want him to rest and he is not. Instead he is screaming, moaning and sort of out of his head

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  10. Al is one of the good ones. His faith has remained strong. Like Job. Al is suffering immeasurably. Like Job. And like Job he will be rewarded. And so will you. Keep your course dear one. It cannot be easy. We cannot imagine what you and Al are going through. What many fail to consider when we think of God as our Father is that He has shoulders broad enough to carry our hurt, anger, and frustration. He wants us to give it all to Him. We mustn’t hold back and pretend that everything is fabulous when it isn’t. God is the God of truth in all seasons. Give it all to him dear one: He can take it because He loves you. And so do we.

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  11. Oh Terry, everywhere I turn today there is so much pain. I understand and can relate to both you & Al, I sometimes wonder too. There seems to be a reason for so much of what we live, but I cannot shake the cruelty that surrounds so many. With technology and science being what it is today I just wonder why?
    Sending you both gentle hugs.

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      • I could never Terry. I also could not be okay with someone who thinks they know what you & Al are living,and think they have the justification for judging. Unless a person has lived the nightmare of a family member or themselves in unrelenting pain and confusion they cannot be coming from an informed place. It can erode any serenity and peace of mind.
        I just wish I could give you something more tangible to hang on to than just my empathy, and my thoughts..

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  12. Right there with you friend…feeling your anger…your need for peace…I have no answers…have seen so much suffering myself…but, the time will come …and I hope …then…you can see the glory in Al’s situatiion…
    I know…I have learned much…Maybe someone is in need of hearing your blogging voice…

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  13. My wish for your, Terry, is that you have moments of refreshing for your weary soul like you have never had before. I’m not going to speak in platitudes and pretend that everything is going to be okay, because we both know that’s not true right now. I do believe, though, that we can find some peace, even a sliver of it, in the midst of pain. That is my wish for you, that you would be given the hope you need to carry you through these difficulties and that you would find unexpected joy. As for Al, I pray that his remaining time would be comfortable, that he would be given a supernatural relief from his pain and confusion, and that this Christmas would be one of making extraordinary memories which you will cherish in the years to come. May you feel the peace of God’s love, wrapped around you like a warm blanket, even now as you read this. You and Al are loved.

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  14. Dear Terry, even Jesus cried to God at the end to be let out of the pain. The devil wants us to believe that pain proves that God is not with us. My experience is that because the pain is so great, we can only live through it carried in God’s arms. To explain this is beyond my words, if I were with you I would just give you a big hug. By the way, you have celebrated Christmas when Al could enjoy the tree. Now is not the time to worry about that, all our christmas decorations are just to remind us that God came to be with us, when we are so busy with small stuff that we tend to forget it. Now you are possibly in the middle of the worst battle of your life now, you do not need the reminders, only the proofs. That is what I pray for, a battle is never nice, but I pray that you will know God has come to you. Then of course He is not dependent on our feelings. He carries us, kicking,swearing or crying, he only cares that we allows him to carry us. So many words Terrry, just to say, I keep praying, Love, Solveig

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  16. Sweetheart ~These are very real to him because the level of pain is beyond
    their capacity to control; it has nothing to do with Heavenly Father or the Evil one. But,
    yes Terry there is a God that is good and kind, merciful & giving therefore, there has to be
    an opposite force… we’ve got to experience both as did Christ … Terry this tumult Al is
    experiencing is part of his last steps to eternal Joy & Glory. You’re feelings are exactly what the Father felt as He, too, saw His ONLY Begotten Son being treated savagely and unjustly … but he now sits at the right hand of God, in glory, joy, and every desire he’s ever wanted ! Don’t lose perspective or faith, these are the last steps upward ! I’m constantly praying praying praying ~ xxoo

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  17. Terri. I am so sorry to hear how awful things re for you and Al. Since his symptoms cannot be managed at home, Al could be admired to the hospital and conscious sedation used. Admission to the hospital is allowed under Medicare if symptoms cannot be managed at home. Please talk to your Hospice about this. No one should have to suffer the way Al is. Thinking of you.

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  18. I wish I had words of comfort and encouragement but I do not. I do not understand why they can not medicate him so heavily that he can spend his last day walking with angels and pain free.
    Hugs to you and Al.

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  19. Terry, I am so sorry and I do feel your pain. It is so bad to see someone suffer and it is so very exhausting to you too. This disease is so awful and yet I cannot understand why there is not a drug to ease his pain. Or, just knock him out to sleep until his body gives up. Or, a memory drug where he will not remember the pain. There has to be something…. Doesn’t anyone on the MSA website have any suggestions for you? My dad died in 8 days when his body started to fail. They kept telling us everyone is different and it could take weeks. When he was suffering, I did think about Mother Mary watching her son in pain, dying on the cross. God helped her get thru it and God helped his own Son get thru it. He will help you too. Tell Al to relax and let go, his work here on earth is done and that soon he will be in an eternal place where there is no pain and only pure joy and happiness. God bless you. Hugs.

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    • Al is so scared to die he is fighting it real hard. On top of that the medicines are not absorbing into his body like the normal person so he stays awake and agitated. Even as I chat with you he is screaming, groaning and moaning. this has been going on all day

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  20. Terry,
    This heart aching situation does make one question the faith we have in God, in why there is so much suffering in the world. The key word I understand is faith, but faith goes out the window when a loved one is suffering, dying in small stages and you are angry at yourself for being angry and feeling guilty of wanting a moments peace.
    Do not think for a moment that these things happen to teach us or those we love lessons, I do not have the answer but I know I learned nothing but deeper frustration at life in general. There are no lessons to be learned when life gets this hard. Do not let anyone tell you that you must be taught a lesson in watching those you love suffer, it does backfire! I have taken three years to come to terms with God after the death of my daughters and my faith is shaken for eternity.
    My father use to say that he believed everyone goes to Heaven because earth is a living Hell! I agree!
    What you need to understand is that you have the right to question, to be angry, to feel life is being unfair to you and Al. At times like this, I find my inward self goes into survival mode and there are no words anyone can say to make you or Al feel better or give encouragement…when you are at the bottom of a deep pit with no bottom, encouragement is not a word you want to use, or hear from anyone.
    Know this; many are holding you in their hearts. Hold on, turn the music up loud and eat those cookies you are baking, you are an Angel yourself.

    Ann

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    • Thank you so much Ann for giving me permission to feel what I am feeling. For not making fun of me or saying things like I do not believe in God. I do believe in God. I am just not understanding any of this. Many have said in the blogging world that I am being taught a lesson at Al’s expense. i am not a perfect Christian by far, but I don’t want Al to suffer because of something I don’t realize that I need to learn. Hugs to you for being such a good person

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  21. I wish I had something to say that would make it all better. I wish I could hug all of your woes away. I wish I could hug all of Al’s pain away. I wish…
    {Hugs} to you & Al

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  22. Terry, I was raised a Catholic, then went to the Episcopal church and then began studying to become a Jew. But God is God, no matter what. I used to cry and beg Him to take Holly’s pain away, to let it be me, not her. But it didn’t happen. Now my husband’s Alzheimer’s takes him away from me too, and I ask “why”? But there is no answer. No post it notes, no help from the 22 pills a day. So, as I know I will die before you, I will ask Him – why? The pain of watching my parents & my daughter die and my husband’s illness have taught me just one thing – that without God I could not do this, I could not watch the pain, I could not pack Holly’s wounds, I could not watch my mother & father waste away and watch my husband disappear day by day. This page is your help, it is God’s way of giving you strength that you never knew you had, people from all over are thinking of you, sharing your suffering. God will take your brother’s pain away soon. You will wish you had him back, just as I do every day, but I know there is no more pain, no more suffering and that I had the strength to get through this..and you will also. Once a pastor told me that hell was not Satan and burning forever – it was life on this earth without God. That was over 40 years ago but now I know it is true. God bless you, give you peace. Everyone here cares – isn’t that God?

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    • I never looked at it like the way you are. I needed to read your comment. Suddenly the light bulb comes on. God is helping me to still care for Al. All my friends on here have been sent by God. Oh Marsha, you have helped me to realize God has not left me. God bless you and thank you from the bottom of my heart

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  23. Terry,

    I don’t even pretend to understand all of God’s ways, because His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts… For as high as the heavens are, so are His thoughts higher than our thoughts, and His ways, higher than our ways. I don’t pretend to know or understand your pain, because your pain isn’t mine.

    I am sorry that you’re suffering, and I’m sorry that Al is suffering, but the fact is that since the fall of mankind, men and women have been suffering, and that isn’t God’s fault, but man’s and Satan’s. My prayer for you and Al is that this terrible time of suffering will draw both of you closer to the One who loves you and has your ultimate healing in His hands, and that you will direct your anger toward the evil one, who truly deserves your anger.

    I know how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer and die, and I pray for both your sakes that Al is at peace with Christ, and that he passes quickly into the arms of God, in Jesus’ name. I also pray that the Lord gives you comfort in knowing that He has been with you always, and that He is to be trusted above all, in all and through all.

    With much love and deep grief for your pain,
    Cheryl

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  24. The bad guy wants you to believe there is no God and he wants Al to believe the same. But he can’t win, not when God is the one who is in control. Praying for you both. I get mad at God sometimes too. But He always has a way of reminding me He’s got it, no matter how much I am convinced He doesn’t sometimes 🙂 Blessings, my friend. May His peace be yours.

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  26. Terry, My heart goes out to you, from far away. I know now it not the time you might want to hear this, but I am sure the name Michael Newton will come up in your future again. When the time is ready, read his book, Journey of Souls. That might give you some insight in your terrible suffering.
    ♥ ♥ ♥

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  27. We all know Al is suffering and from the looks of it, it is getting worse by the day. Terry, my friend, you are a good person. I think that still holds true today and anytime. My friend, Al needs you more than ever now. Be strong, there is no other way. I really wish I am there with you to comfort you, hug you, wipe your tears, and more importantly, to tell you that God is always there for all of us. It is not true that God has a “chosen people” (I’m sorry for those who believe in this). On the other hand, WE, humans, were the ones given a choice. God or Satan? Of course, the correct answer is God. You are Al are always in my prayers. We love you.

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  29. I can remember being so angry also at God for not taking my mother home earlier than He did… and I don’t truly understand it to this day. I only know that ‘His ways are not our ways’ and while illnesses like Al has and cancer are not God’s imposition to us …they are allowed but now purposed by Him. Terry the doctors MUST control Al’s pain. However they do it they must! No ifs ands or buts…. This is the part ‘humans’ must do! I do pray for Al to be taken home before he suffers any more than he already is… and I pray for a peace that eludes you at this very trying time… to envelop you and comfort you….. Diane

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  31. Dearest Terry, I hardly know what to say. I have no pat answers to offer you. I’m pretty sure, in spite of my great faith in God, that I’d be just as angry and hurt as you are right now if I were in your shoes. All I can hang onto is my knowledge that God is good; that He knows your need; that the end WILL come, and you and Al will both be relieved of your suffering. Not very profound or philosophical, I know, but aside from my love and prayers it’s the best I have to offer you.

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  32. iI just lost my Sister to MSA on November 16th. She was in a lot of pain, but we thought we had more time. I brought her to my house and she passed away 3 days later. I miss her so much:(

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    • Oh I can imagine so well. I am so sorry you lost your sister. Many times I sit here and ponder on what it will be like without my brother in my life. The silence will kill me. It will be my duty to help others through this. To be a part of helping find a cure will be possible once I have time freed up. Our loved ones are in our memories and in our hearts but they are not gone nor forgotten. We can keep their life alive by doing something to help to rid this terrible disease, big hugs Mechelle from me to you

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  33. Pingback: Challenges | Quality of Life Ministries

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