I Can Feel It Coming


Right now I feel like I am going to throw up. I feel faint. I feel sick inside. Now to most of you, you may think this is not really a big deal, but to me and Al it is a huge big issue.

Not only has this illness stripped him of all of his independence. Fluids have now begun to fill his eyes, nose and his leg is seeping. His hands are swollen and moist.

One of his favorite shows it Storage Wars which is one right now. He just asked me to turn it off. All day he has eaten very little. He has been more quiet this afternoon. This evening he started complaining of having a sty in his eye.

He doesn’t have a sty. The nurse said today this is part of his process of dying. Fluids are filling up and now they have taken a way the only thing he had left, that he enjoyed. The last thing that he counted on.

TV has always been his best friend. A way to escape his dad and issues of the world. I just can’t do this. I am not strong now. I can’t stand by and just watch him fill up with fluids until he drowns.

Oh Lord please help me and Al, please help. My stomach is churning. Where do I turn to, where do I go from here………….

Go ahead MSA, take it all. Take all Al ever had in his life. His movement, his independence, his vision, his enjoyment in life, take it all.

The Hospice nurse just dropped off supplies and she took a look at Al from me telling her about the TV. She said he may be here this weekend.Al and me Christmas 2013

92 thoughts on “I Can Feel It Coming

  1. You know I only pressed like to tell you I read it.

    You have to stay strong just a bit longer, Terry. You can do it. You have the strength inside you, and the courage of a tiger. Some people go “that extra mile” to help people. You have gone beyond that with Al. You have gone “that extra 10 miles” for him, and it’s not just because he is your brother. It is because you are a very caring person who loves her brother. He knows that, and HE knows that.

    Just a bit longer, Terry

    {{{HUGS}}}

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  2. So difficult to click like this, as I know how difficult this is for you right now. I am sad that you will not have Al here to care for soon just remember all the beautiful memories you have shared. Is there a minister or family member that can come to sit with you and Al in these his last days Terry? I hate that you may be alone when he goes to his beautiful new home. It is hard for those of us left behind yet I am sure do do much better for Al. I pray for you to have strength Terry, I know you have courage; for you have proved it time and again in your care for your brother. May God give you peace right now and the stamina to get through the final steps of Al’s journey. God loves you and so do I.

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  3. my heart aches so much for you…you may not feel it right now, but you are a very strong person and you will get through it. We are all here for you maybe not by your side, but in prayer we are holding you up.

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  4. It’s for sure you feel helpless… I remember being at the hospital when my husband’s father died .. we all knew he was but could not do anything except be there… Could your son or someone stay with you for a few days so you don’t have to be alone….??? It would not be so bad if you had some support… someone to talk to…. Diane

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      • Terry youve struggled with youre heart breaking for a long while now.Soon Al will be suffering no more .You have cared for and loved your brother all the way through this terrible cruel disease.Believe me that Al knows all that youve done for him and that youre love for him is unconditional.Through the sadness and the pain be proud of yourself for looking after and caring for Al as you have,because he is so proud and honoured to have someone like you to be so devoted to him and his comfort during this time.Never ever berate yourself over this, as you have done more than anyone to help Al.A lot of doctors and medical practitioners dont know much about this thing that hunts us down without pity, and a large percentage know nothing at all.Please believe that deep inside Al loves you very much even though he cannot say it Terry.Ihave kept reading youre story all through because i have had this thing for just over 3 years and like your brother have seen my life torn away and nothing can be done to help.Im in a wheelchair my speach ischanging and my arms and hands are very very weak.The pain is unbelievable and remorseless.I have to have eveything done for me and i dont like it one bit because its hard to understand that at 59 i cannot do any of the things i took for granted.My wife cares for me 24/7and i could not be cared for or loved any better than i am in her arms .Please Terry hold your head up and know in your heart you could have done no more. I know this and so does Al.May be he and i may get to meet and have a chat one day .All ican say now is may your GOD go with you and bless you both .
        Michael.

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      • I am so sorry you have this illness but I am very thankful you have a loving wife who cares for you. Today has been busy here at our house. Al has new meds for his seeping fluids, a new air mattress and a catheter. Busy day but hopefully Al will feel better. I sure wish a cure would be found very soon. Al and you will meet one day I am sure. God bless and don’t quit chatting with me.

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  5. Everything is ok, please Terry talk to your brother & assure him you’ll be ok, that Jesus is finishing his work in him, getting his [Al’s] mansion ready for his HAPPY homecoming ~ There are angels in your home; don’t fear, it’s just a process and it is difficult for you… but you are on God’s troops ! Everything is under control. I’m praying for you two. Fear not. Talk to Al, there is peace right around the bend. I love you so much! I’m here for you always dear~ I understand soooo well Terry.

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  6. I am so sorry Terry, this is a terrible thing to watch happen, there is nothing you can do, Al’s body is failing him now. You are in my thoughts dear lady, always….

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  7. Terry,

    I just can’t imagine what you are feeling these days, only you would know that, though I seem to carry some of your pain in my heart because it all saddens me with every post I read about Al’s journey. Not just that you are in this practically alone, carrying on with so much responsibility and heartache, but, too, because I’m sure Al doesn’t want this to linger any more than you do. Most likely his prayers are in asking for a way to let go, the moment of release to end this pain you both endure. I only hope it’s a peaceful transition for Al, and in his final hour he communicates his love and appreciation to you, even if only through his eyes. I believe this will be a true reminder of patience, love, and need we all have of others, one you will carry with you always. And that Al valued you as a loving and trusted sister, and a caring friend much more than you could imagine.

    Love you both,

    Prayers are with you

    ~Dianne Cogar

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  8. You would not have thought you could do what you have did if you were asked last winter, I am sure, but you have stayed in love and strength through it all! And you know, the Lord know that we are only human, he is ready to comfort you too, and knows how hard this is. Let yourself be carried in prayer through the coming days too. I will be on different planes for two days now, so I will not read your blog, but you will be with me in my prayers while I am flying.
    Love, Solveig

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  9. Asking God to strengthen you for this final part of Al’s journey. You are his angel and Jesus is with you. I wish we could all be with you too. Love and prayers.

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  10. Terry, Not only has God supplied you with himself, his angels there in your house, but many, many friends and caring bloggers from around the world to be here for you. You and Al are not alone by a longshot and you can do this. Prayers going up to Heaven for you both.

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  11. May God comfort you both through this difficult transition. Be sure to talk to Al and let him know that all will be ok – that he will be “free” from his earthly burdens soon and get to talk to Jesus again…

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  12. My heart aches for you and Al. I just don’t understand why Al is having to suffer so!!!! Terry, my spirit is with you and wish I was there to comfort you. Just wish I could stop the MSA monster and all that it has taken from us!!!! Loving you and praying daily!!!!

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  13. *tears & hugs* Oh Miss Terry, my heart is aching because I just lost my girl kitty to cancer, we took her in to the emergency vet around 9pm last night stayed there, went to her regular vet in the morning and was with him until she passed at her regular vet’s around 3pm.
    I can only hope that this will not drag on for several days as Al has suffered enough. My thoughts are with you. Take care my sweet friend.

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  14. I’m very so sorry Terry…I know how hard it is to look at the suffering of a dear one and not being able to do a thing to relieve his pain. You just feel powerless and lost. If you could just take a bit of his pain and make it yours to relief him. Be strong…I know this is hard to do…almost impossible and even less reasonnable it seems…but you have to go on for him and bring him a little pesce from this loving heart you have…hope, believe, love…and pray that he won’t suffer from this for too long, no one deserve it. Be courageous and brave, I’ll think of you too, even we don’t know each other in realiy…but I feel your pain, I’ve been there…you’re not alone…take care…

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  15. Terry, I’ve been watching my email today specifically for news about you and Al. I hadn’t checked at all between 8-9:30, and just look at all the responses you’ve had already! So many people are praying Al into heaven, and you into a time of peace and rest even while you grieve. Praying, praying.

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  16. This saddens & hurts me. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through & feeling.
    Holding Al & you in my prayers.
    Stay strong & if you have to take time to cry – just let it flow. There are some things that only tears could help alleviate – even if just a little.
    {Hugs} to you & Al

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  17. Writing this through my own tears…felling so for you and Al
    Do you sing to him? When I read your words a song came to me that you may want to sing to Al. It is a familiar song you probably know but perhaps don’t realize how appropriate the words are right now.

    Chorus:
    Swing low, sweet chariot
    Coming for to carry me home,
    Swing low, sweet chariot,
    Coming for to carry me home.

    I looked over Jordan, and what did I see
    Coming for to carry me home?
    A band of angels coming after me,
    Coming for to carry me home.
    Chorus

    Sometimes I’m up, and sometimes I’m down,
    (Coming for to carry me home)
    But still my soul feels heavenly bound.
    (Coming for to carry me home)
    Chorus

    The brightest day that I can say,
    (Coming for to carry me home)
    When Jesus washed my sins away.
    (Coming for to carry me home)
    Chorus

    If I get there before you do,
    (Coming for to carry me home)
    I’ll cut a hole and pull you through.
    (Coming for to carry me home)
    Chorus

    If you get there before I do,
    (Coming for to carry me home)
    Tell all my friends I’m coming too.
    (Coming for to carry me home)
    Chorus

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    • Yes, I sing to him, read the Bible to him and anything else I can do. I love that song and know it well. What a great song at this point in our lives. thank you so much

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  18. Terry, I know I’m not here on WP so often at the moment, but I’ve been keeping up with you and Al. Please know that you can always find me on Facebook if you need somebody to dump on.

    Much love to you both xxx

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  19. Hello again Sister to Sister. I would like to say I know how you feel but I don’t. As i have said, I lost my brother 5 years ago and I never had that chance to say goodbye to David. He went to sleep one night and then he was gone. I was his big sister and I couldn’t save him.I am glad that he didn’t suffer but God has something very special for you Terry. This task that you wouldn’t have taken is going to bring awareness of this horrible horrible disease to many many people. My boyfriend Greg, it is his dad Tom has MSA and that is how I have learned about this about this disease. I want to become an advocate for MSA to spread the word about what this disease is and to help advocate for cure.I want to help advocate for cure for something that nobody knows anything about. I am praying for you my sister and that I hope you will rest on the everlasting arms.

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    • MSA needs people like you. The world knows so little of this disease. The doctors know very little. The word needs to be spread. The dollars need to go in for research. Thank you for being you. You are so awesome!

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  20. I only pressed like as I have read it , you know. I wish Al can be relieved painlessly and go to heaven, he has been waiting and wanting, so I also still pray to let him go. It is the hardest thing to see someone go this way , he knows you are there and that gives him peace. Many hugs!

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  21. Terry,

    The Lord is using you in many ways, in the life and Al and in each and every one of our lives. May the Lord grant you peace, wisdom and strength during this time. Lord bless you.

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  22. You have the strength Terry, even if it seems that you can no longer carry your cross, I felt that way many times but God helped me through each day, each minute, one day at a time. God shines through you and your love for your brother is so strong. I hate what MSA does, it’s so cruel. I’m sorry you have to go through all this too, but you’re not alone, we are all here even if we can’t physically be there. You’re constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.

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  23. Terry, hang in there….you have been such a blessing to Al so far because God has been using you….don’t quit now – Al needs you now more than ever! I know God is with you and will give you strength and courage you don’t feel you have! I will pray for you and Al right now!

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    • Thank you. Somewhere in the visit from the Angel Nurse I feel God had a big hand in that. Al is calmer, I have actually slept. God uses so many circumstances to help us through our own situations. I can see it so clearly now

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