Out Loud Thoughts


It is almost 8pm and I feel empty and tired. I took a nap this afternoon but it wasn’t near long enough.

Al is sleeping. He ate some baby food for supper and ate it all. Today he had some ice-cream for breakfast and lunch but ate very little. He is drinking a lot less than he did a couple of days ago.

The TV is on, but the quietness is so loud. I guess I am just writing to have a friend to talk to. The nights scare me. It is dark outside, the winds are blowing and we are expecting a few inches of heavy snow between tonight and tomorrow morning.

I am afraid Al will pass while it is just him and me. I vision walking into his room, checking on him and he is gone. Part of me doesn’t want to go check, the other part of me checks on him maybe too often.

I would give anything if I could only hear him talk to me. For him to let me know like he used to what it is that he needs. All I can do is cradle him in my arms, caress his hair and let him know I love him.

I look around the room and it is void of any life. Furniture sits stiff waiting for someone to flop down on it. The TV blares but who cares. Even the seat I am sitting on feels cold. I can hear Al’s TV on. Family Feud, but he isn’t listening.

He used to be awake through any Family Feud, but anymore as soon as I am done feeding him or caring for him he generally goes back to sleep.

Al has not had any visitors from heaven lately and the dreams I was having of our parents are now gone. I can’t seem to sit long enough to enjoy a show on the television. My mind is constantly wandering.

I could take a shower but don’t really need one. I could pick out some cute clothes to wear tomorrow but why bother. I could cook or bake but then Diabetics really don’t need the sweets and anymore food isn’t a joy any longer since Al doesn’t eat with me.

You know, I just hate eating alone. I don’t really know why. You eat, you finish, but it used to be that Al and I would laugh about some TV show we were watching, or we would watch Antique Road Show together and then plan a day to go to the stores to look for goodies.

Life sure is different now. There are still two bodies in this house, but yet it fills like there is one. Unless a miracle happens I won’t speak to anyone until tomorrow morning when the caregiver arrives, unless she gets snowed in.

There are so many of you that I wish I could meet. I know some of you and me would be the best of friends. I have met many fantastic people on here. So many of you don’t just comment, you actually chat with me. I look forward to that so much.

I guess this is the storm before the dawn. I did decide what to have Al leave this world with. He will wear his coca cola pants, a coca cola shirt. His brand new coca cola hat that Marilyn got him for Christmas. The flag that Al got for him will go on top of his casket. I will make sure that only red flowers the color of coke cans are sitting on top of the flag.

He will look like the brother I know and love so well. No stuffy suits for him. I don’t want to see someone I don’t recognize. I think I will add a couple of his cars in with him and instead of him holding a Bible, he will hold a car.

Please don’t think I am being morbid. It has been too much on my mind that I need to make last-minute plans for him. I never did get the money together to get his tombstone. He does have his plot and I paid for his funeral.

No one wanted to let me make payments on his tombstone so I couldn’t pull that off. I was shocked when I learned they are almost one thousand dollars for a simple one. I really wanted a plain stone that said the coke man on it. He would have loved that, don’t you think?

I have thought a lot about our half-sister lately. Scared that she will suddenly show up at the funeral, but not ready to see her. There is too much pain from where I have reached out to her about Al being ill and she has turned her back on me. She has not seen Al for six years.

Her son and I have pleaded with her but she won’t budge. She is still upset that she could not get the judge to see that she wanted to be the one to care for Al. The judge saw that he was in good hands with me. Ever since she has treated Al and me terribly.

Faye, one of our caregivers said she would take care of it if the sis came in and started acting up. I trust that she will because I don’t think I will be able to act like a lady if she comes in. It isn’t that she doesn’t deserve to see her brother, it is the drama that she could cause that has me on edge.

Nothing on TV tonight. I am watching some show, or listening to Caught on Camera. There is so much junk on TV. I tried watching the Hallmark Channel, but seeing loved ones in love, makes me want to cry.

I tried watching the Uplifting Channel and it made me feel worse, so I guess it is this or maybe the Sirrus Escape station, but honestly, I have had that station on all day and it doesn’t interest me tonight.

I sound like an unthankful creature don’t I? I think I am just restless as an Indian waiting for the bomb to drop.

Al and me Christmas 2013

49 thoughts on “Out Loud Thoughts

  1. *giant hugs* Sweet Terry. I wish I could be there to have a conversation with you and eat some of your cooking. Have you tried talking to Rhino or is he still staying with Al? Sometimes its a comfort to talk to another living being even though they don’t answer back.
    I don’t think you are morbid for picking out what Al will wear when his spirit departs this Earth. I think you are a very caring and loving sister and you want him to look like the brother you knew and loved. This disease unfortunately has taken so much from him.
    Please tell Al is is very much loved and thought about and know in your heart you are too ma’am.
    *hugs*

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  2. Oh Terry, your honesty is such a gift to the rest of us. Now all we can do is let you know your thoughts make all kinds of sense. Planning for the funeral is not morbid. It’s realistic, though very sad.

    And, I think, we are prone to do things others might find stupid, but for loving reasons. When my mother died I chose a coffin lined in yellow because it was my mother’s favorite color. It cost more. Silly decision. But it felt right somehow, and I never did regret it.

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    • I like it that you chose a color that she loved and not just the traditional white. We are all different, and I don’t like to follow the gang. I would rather follow my heart. Hugs my friend

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    • It is understandable to be restless Terry. How much snow have you gotten recently? Seems like it snows every couple of days here! They’re saying minus 50 wind chills here Monday night. I keep daydreaming about the beach. Hugs my friend.

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      • we haven’t had hardly any snow here. But we had terrible winds today with 20 degrees. Snow beings tonight with bitter winds and bad temps for the next three days. I saw on the news that after this three days we won’t see those temps again this winter. Yeah! Keep dreaming about that beach!!! Hugs my friend

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      • Well that’s some good news 🙂 Glad to hear that. I do social media updates for the Dept. of Transportation so I’m hoping the severe wx ends soon because I’m running out of ways to describe it!

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      • me too!!! Brian, I heard on the news tonight that after we battle these horrific winds for a day and a half, things will calm down, and warm up.

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  3. Aww but you do not know if Al has had any heavenly visitors lately as they may be communicating with him in the state he is in, keeping him calm and resting for his journey ahead.
    Oh how wonderful to send your brother off in his coca cola pants, shirt and hat, with the flag on top of his coffin.
    I think the way you are sending him off is wonderful.
    No you do not sound like you are unthankful, you sound like a lady in waiting-waiting for what you wish would not come.
    I walked this path with my brother, when he was sent home from the hospital with liver cancer.
    He closed his eyes and woke up in heaven 4 days after he got home.
    I was alone with him when he passed and the hospice nurse could not get out there for at least three hours as we were so far out in the country.
    I called my son and he told me to close the door to the room Dave, my brother was in, and allow him to be alone with the angels til they came for his remains.
    I did that and turned my fav music up loud and sang to it til they got there.
    Hugs and l knows how much his sweet sister loves him and he loves her just as much.

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    • Your son gave you great advice, and turning the music on and singing had to be so helpful. I dread that call I have to make and I pray I am not alone at that moment. You are a very strong person!!!! Hugs and love my dear friend

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  4. None of what you have said is morbid or self serving (beyond getting it out which is healthy). I don’t think I could watch the Hallmark Channel for at least and year and a half after my husband died. I see a beautiful sparkling angel watching over this blog… I am guessing it is because you and Al have angels all around you. And I LOVE the outfit you have planned…
    Peace be with all of you, even your half-sister.

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    • thanks so much Meghan. I hope that the sparkling angel is watching over Al and me both!! I think we have to be in the right frame of mind to watch the hallmark movies……..hugs

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  5. I want to tell you what an Elder Shamen Female told me. She was 95 years old and told me in Heaven. my brother speaks my name with love and caring and a sparkle in his eye, as will Al when he has stepped into heaven.

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  6. Terry…you inspire me! Your thoughtful words, private and loving, are a gift you give to all of us who care for a loved one who is battling this unthinkable disease! I hang on every word, sentence and paragraph! I am starting to journal my journey w my Diane! As I said, you inspire me! Love to you and Al!

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    • To journal is to heal. I believe this because I live it. You do it and you will never regret it. One day I will be able to go back and relive all the days Al and I had together by reading my own thoughts. Big hugs Susan

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  7. Terry you are doing fine, it is natural to have this sense of aloneness, tiredness, agitation and fear. There is nothing at all wrong with your feelings. I wish you could find peace in all of this for yourself and after I think you will. As for the drama you fear from the step-sister put it in Gods hands and remember to take the high road if she does attend the funeral.You are far above most people I know in character and strength. what is it they say smile so others will wonder what your thinking…well do that. Be pleasant to her, for a person that holds that kind of animosity is only unhappy with themselves. You have done the best and given Al all and more than anyone else ever could. love and hugs

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    • That is awesome advice. Smile at her as if I am listening but actually I will be ignoring her mouth. It will probably make her very mad, but I will have kept my cool. Thanks Len!!!! You are so awesome!!!!

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  8. Hmmmm the emotional upheaval, the silence, the loneliness…. so overwhelming…. and all I can offer is an empathetic hug. It seems so inadequate. ..but that’s all I can do.
    I hate that you’re going through this alone. Al is so grateful you’re there. Take some comfort in that. He can be at peace because he knows you are there.
    it’s not morbid planning end things. I like the outfitt

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  9. Terry – How I know the madding sound of silence. I’m not in the same place as you are with Al but am still the 24/7 caregiver. Tom sleeps all day and I ramble around the house. I actually spend most of my awake time on the computer doing research on one thing or another or reading blogs. I did get out for a couple hours today to have coffee with a friend. I also worry about how I’ll hold it together if and when Tom’s 2 daughters show up. I’ve only asked them for help one time and that was when my father was dying and asking for me. Tom was in the hospital and I didn’t want to go off and leave him alone. They wouldn’t come (had lame excuses and I still haven’t found a way to excuse them). Tom was a wonderful father to them and when he got sick, they turned their back on him. I’ve refused to talk with them since they refused to come the one time I asked and it prevented me from saying a proper good-bye to my own father. I have no idea how I will ever forgive them for the hurt they caused Tom and the hurt they caused me.

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    • Boy do I know where you are at in that situation. We may not have the same stories in the health department, but we have the same stories in the family department. It will be a long time before I can forgive our sister, let alone talk to her. The nasty part of my human mind will want to just smile and then slap her right across that grinny face of hers!!!

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    • I like what you said. I call it a chapter in my life, but I like a season in my life. More real, more alive. One day I will go back and read all of my posts on Al and relive the times we had together. Thank you so much Sister

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  10. Terry – I have not commented much but have read your posts here often. Like so many have said, thank you for your honesty. We all share your sadness. We’re with you. I’m only at the beginning of this journey with my husband, but your words help me know I’m not alone at my darkest moments. You are in a holy time – but one of excruciating waiting. I am praying for peace and solace for you, and peace for Al! Bless you!

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    • I am so sorry that you have to follow in my shoes with your husband. i wish so much I could stop the progress, calm you two and tell you it will be alright. I do know that I can be here for you, always. Hugs and thanks for the comment Marilee

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  11. Hi Terry, yes the nights are long, many of these events will have an impact on your physical and mental being. I had been awake for 24 hours, my son convinced me to shut my eyes, my only surviving daughter gave me a “pill”. I fell asleep in a waiting room at the hospital. I woke suddenly, ran to one of my daughters rooms…a code blue was blaring on the overhead, family was being rushed out of her room. She was placed on life support and was eventually unplugged! My waiting room nap was my last solid sleep in the past four year, my doctor tells me I am afraid to go to sleep because when I left her side it was the last time she talk to me. He says I am afraid to sleep because I am afraid something else will happen, it did, it has and so I do the cat nap. It appears that at my advanced age I need little sleep anyway! Try to accept the “happenings” around you and continue being the Angel you are, you are one of my favorite blogging friends, I wish you were in Wisconsin! So, my dear one, just a chat to maybe help you through this night. I think of you often and I am holding you in my arms. Hugs, Ann

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    • Hi Ann, I am always tired but I sleep restless sleep. I keep thinking if I go to sleep he will leave and I won’t be with him. Naps during the day are better for me. I don’t think I will ever be the same from this day on, but I hope to smile again one day. I wish you were here. I always look forward to your comments. They make me feel better. You can always email me too. Tellmenolies2004@yahoo.com

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  12. It is good if you write your thoughts down, you know you have friends here even if we are not physically with you right now. I can imagine how many thoughts go through your head. Many hugs, my Terry you are doing an awesome job!

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  13. So much time to think, now that Al is sleeping so much. You need to be careful of letting your mind keep you in dark, sad places, Terry. This is Me the Counselor right now. If you’ve ever experienced depression before, you know you don’t want to go back there. Try to fill your mind with the good times you and Al have had, and with imagining where he’s going to be very soon. Keep you Bible nearby, for comfort and peace. Know we’re all doing this bedside watch with you, praying for you and loving you.

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  14. I am honored that Al will wear the hat I sent…sounds like your plan is well thought out…Getting that behind you will help in those days to come… I’ve had a few days like you describe…Pajamas all day…don’t want to talk…nothing sounds good to eat or even tastes good…seem helpless…but, the next day …we regroup…and life goes on …and usually better…

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  15. Terry, my heart breaks when I read your pain. I wish I had a magic wand to take it all away, to make the days easier and lighter. We have never met but I understand what you are going through. I offer my virtual shoulders. I will shed my share of real tears for you and prayers are up in the sky. Sometimes I don’t understand why the Lord makes us wait. I suppose He’s preparing a really special place for Al. I’m glad you reached out to your blogger friends. In times like these, we need all the love and support we can get. Al has a wonderful sister in you. Try not to think about those things that may never come to pass. I know it’s difficult. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for warmth, compassion and love to settle around you in your time of waiting and sorrow. God bless you and Al.

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  16. I bet Al would be as pleased as punch if he could see himself with his favourite gear for his new journey To be the person he is right to the very end,and beyond, to have with him what are his favourite things that gave him pleasure. I think it not at all morbid that you are thinking about things like this, on the contrary, You are his loving sister wanting the very best for Al, to me that makes them heartfelt caring thoughts. Having practical thoughts is like your inner-self stepping aside a little from the fear. At some point in everyone’s life, we have moments of being stronger than we ever thought we could be either in mind, body or both. Keep the strength Terry 🙂

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  17. Hang in there…my thoughts are with you and your brother.

    Hi, since you were following the Blog Migration-X3, I take the liberty to leave you this message to inform you that Migration-X3 has been deleted. From now on, the same Blog and its content have the name of D.A. Lavoie, and the address is: http://dalavoie.wordpress.com . So I ask you to take note of this and it will be a real pleasure to greet you there! Have a nice day, D.A. Lavoie.

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  18. Please know that I & many others here are with you always. We are holding you & Al in or prayers. I’m pretty sure that others will be with me on this – if it could be done – we’d combine our hopes, wishes & prayers to make everything all better for both you & Al.
    Hugs to you & Al

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  19. Terry, I’m in Atlanta, home of Coca-Cola, so let me know if there is anything I could send to you. The World of Coca Cola museum is just a few miles from my home. Keeping you and Al in my thoughts.

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    • He would be crazy about anything that came from the Coca Cola Museum. That was his last wish, but I tried to get him on the Wish Foundation to be able to go there, but he was over 18, plus now he could not travel. Please email me at tellmenolies2004@yahoo.com if you would go there, and tell me how much money you will need. I swear, anything he would love!!

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