Let The Angels Come, But Please Dry My Tears

I am so tired. My back is aching. I had no caregiver help today, and on top the other caregiver called off for tomorrow. My heart just sunk. Al is worse as of last night and I so did not want to be alone when he passed.

I am not saying he will pass tonight or tomorrow, but I won’t be surprised if he does. Last night I was having terrible times with his catheter. Today only got worse. I couldn’t even empty it because of what happens when the kidneys are shutting down.

Hospice nurse came out today and ended up taking his catheter out and putting a new one in. Now since 4pm he has had nothing but solid blood going through. It scares me, I am not even going to lie, but I knew I would have someone with me tomorrow, but not now.

The weather is bad or supposed to be high winds and below zero temperatures. I don’t want either of the girls to wreck or anything and yet I need the help. Too bad Al didn’t get worse in the summer, right?

I called Hospice back this evening and the only thing she said was,” Well he said he was dying in two days, right? Well, I guess I could have scraped the prostate, but anyways, it is almost all over.”

Let me tell you how much that did not help me hearing those words. Tonight I feel about as low as I can go. I was up until 3am with Al last night due to his pain and catheter. I was planning on going back to bed when the caregiver arrived, but that didn’t happen.

Now he is having his labored breathing and just staring into space. His cheek and one eye swelled up last night with fluid. Now that has left and the opposite eye is swelling up now. Hospice said that since the heart is slowing down I will notice pools of fluids in places. I guess that is one of them.

The swelling left in his one hand after having an internal catheter, but now the opposite hand is the size of a baseball glove.

I’m tired my friends. I’m drained to the bottom. There is absolutely no reason Al is hanging on and if there is a God out there, why would he want Al to suffer when there is nothing left but pain and bleeding and swelling to deal with. It just doesn’t seem right or fair or logical to me. I hope I get some sleep tonight, but with the constant bleeding, I doubt if my mind will shut down. Probably going to sleep in the recliner again tonight covered up with my best friend’s blanket she left here.Angel_Wings__Animated__by_Iaeniceye crying