Let The Angels Come, But Please Dry My Tears


I am so tired. My back is aching. I had no caregiver help today, and on top the other caregiver called off for tomorrow. My heart just sunk. Al is worse as of last night and I so did not want to be alone when he passed.

I am not saying he will pass tonight or tomorrow, but I won’t be surprised if he does. Last night I was having terrible times with his catheter. Today only got worse. I couldn’t even empty it because of what happens when the kidneys are shutting down.

Hospice nurse came out today and ended up taking his catheter out and putting a new one in. Now since 4pm he has had nothing but solid blood going through. It scares me, I am not even going to lie, but I knew I would have someone with me tomorrow, but not now.

The weather is bad or supposed to be high winds and below zero temperatures. I don’t want either of the girls to wreck or anything and yet I need the help. Too bad Al didn’t get worse in the summer, right?

I called Hospice back this evening and the only thing she said was,” Well he said he was dying in two days, right? Well, I guess I could have scraped the prostate, but anyways, it is almost all over.”

Let me tell you how much that did not help me hearing those words. Tonight I feel about as low as I can go. I was up until 3am with Al last night due to his pain and catheter. I was planning on going back to bed when the caregiver arrived, but that didn’t happen.

Now he is having his labored breathing and just staring into space. His cheek and one eye swelled up last night with fluid. Now that has left and the opposite eye is swelling up now. Hospice said that since the heart is slowing down I will notice pools of fluids in places. I guess that is one of them.

The swelling left in his one hand after having an internal catheter, but now the opposite hand is the size of a baseball glove.

I’m tired my friends. I’m drained to the bottom. There is absolutely no reason Al is hanging on and if there is a God out there, why would he want Al to suffer when there is nothing left but pain and bleeding and swelling to deal with. It just doesn’t seem right or fair or logical to me. I hope I get some sleep tonight, but with the constant bleeding, I doubt if my mind will shut down. Probably going to sleep in the recliner again tonight covered up with my best friend’s blanket she left here.Angel_Wings__Animated__by_Iaeniceye crying

100 thoughts on “Let The Angels Come, But Please Dry My Tears

  1. Terry can you sit and cat nap for a bit and take some of the pressure off. Lack of sleep is going to make everything more intense.
    Sit and feel the angels surrounding you and feel the hand of comfort they have on your shoulder.
    I know for sure angels walk with us and in times like now, they are carrying you.
    Rest even if for a few minutes,
    Hugs sweetie,

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    • I moved Al’s lift recliner into the living room to give his bedroom more space, since he will never sit in it again. Sitting up in that sounds nice, because I think my mind will go nuts if I lay down. Thanks for the idea

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  2. Terry, You are strong, you can do it…it won’t be much longer, God does not give you anymore than you can handle…tell God you cannot go on and he will listen….I know you are alone, but you aren’t alone…When I am awake I am thinking of you and Al…you are never alone…you have so many friends…and if the weather was not bad you would have a lot people near your side right now, just be strong just a little while longer……You are Al’s living Angel he needs you just for a short time longer…
    Rest when you can, put your feet up, just try and thinking of something fun, good and wonderful that has happened to you in life, and focus on that for a bit……
    I wish I was there to comfort you in person, and help you….in due time you will have rest..

    Goodnight, Rest, and write when you are feeling down, we are listening….

    Love from an old friend
    Hannah

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    • Hi Hannah. I remember the good old days between us. They make me smile. I will pray that God helps me now on top of helping Al. Hopefully he will hear in my words that I am tired and this needs to end. Thank you so much my dear friend. You are an inspiration to me

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      • Sweet Terry Please have strength and faith,but in yourself no one or nothing else.You are the one taking care of Al ,you are the one taking all the pressure and heartbreak.No one is looking after you,please keep being strong or you will also be ill.My heart is with AL because of my situation but my arms are around you.You and my marilyn are my heroes ,her strength is with you now and will be untill the end.You are the nicest most caring and lovable and loyal sister anyone could ever have,and i would be very proud to call you mine.You have cared for and looked after AL with all the love and dignity in the world.You know that i am in a similar situation and i know my beautiful marilyn will be going through the same thing as you are.I wont be able to say anything to her or be able to communicate, but she knows i will love her until the end of time, just as AL loves you.We are so privelaged to have you both to care for us.When the pain is so bad and our bodies are tied up in knots and our hands and feet ars swollen to twice their size,our hearts and our love are still with you and are very sorry to be making you suffer worse than we are.Our love for you both is unconditional.When Als time comes and those little wet diamonds are running down your face just remember his pains are gone and his suffering is over and that he loved his sister so very,very much.Ihope so much that your god comes soon for both your sakes.We are thinking of you. May your god love and keep you always. Michael xx.

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  3. Call the hospice back and DEMAND that they get him additional pain meds and get you some help. Call his doctor. Hospice is all about comfort and letting someone pass peacefully. You should not and he should not spend his last hours suffering like this.

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    • I didn’t think Hospice left you alone at the end, but obviously this Hospice does. The winds are horrific now and bitter cold. I hesitate to call as long as I can keep ahead of Al’s issues, but first thing in the morning I will call. Thank you Connie

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  4. Praying that the Lord will bring both you and Al peace and rest !
    I only hope that I can be half as strong and brave as you have been when it is time for me to watch my husband travel the final days of this journey.

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    • You will, because I think at times that I can not take one more step, but I do, and so will you, but it will hurt, I won’t lie and say it won’t. Have a support system, friends, church. I have all of you on the internet, but only one in person, who lives too far a way. Sometimes just a phone call from my kids would be all it would take to help me know that someone out there cares

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  5. The callousness of that hospice worker is terrible….. Terry what about the Rector that used to come to see Al… Would they not come an spend some time with you in this most difficult time. … I have to think they would.. You need someone by your side…. Diane xo

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    • I don’t know why Hospice will not spend more time than their usual two day one hour at a time visits. I try to blame it on the weather, but I thought Hospice was supposed to be here to comfort me as well as care for Al

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  6. I hate to say this… But it is such an honor to be there for his last breath… I know you are Tired… Scared… Exhausted to no end….. little naps holding his hand … being by his side….But you know you wouldn’t have it any other way…. Talk to him and tell him it is ok to go…. You are there and you will hold his hand… Sometimes you need to talk to them and guide them threw…. Hang in there Terry…. Call first thing in the morning and get somebody there to help… Hospice is to be there at this time and I would demand it like Connie said… Big Hugs and you are in my prayers…

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      • Just let him know it is OK and to relax … He is safe and you are there… You will be by his side and hold his hand till somebody else take his other hand… The last thing to go is hearing….So don’t be scared…. Try and relax yourself… put your mind in another place and not think of him dieing … Think of you handing him off to God… and he is scared…. You can tell him you are scared to but you are there for him… You will be OK if he leaves… Your not alone… you have the kids… So it is OK… Let me give your had to God and he will make sure your pain is gone… Just relax…. and just talk…. Nothing to really be scared of… Embrace your last moments….

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  7. Terry
    My husband passed just a few months ago (Sept 1) of MSA. He was 65. The last week hospice was here often and I moved him to an inpatient hospice two days before he died. They were able to take care if him so much better than I could at home and they kept him free of pain. Don’t hesitate to call them and lay down the law, don’t be shy, you are his voice. Prayers to you. Be strong.

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  8. I am surprised Hospice is not with you. I bet if you called your son and asked him to come be with you, he would. Try and rest with your eyes closed. Or maybe a hot shower first. Maybe some soft music would help. I am praying for you and Al. Hugs.

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    • He is in bed and I doubt if he would come. He will if I pretty much demand it but I think the whole scene scares him. I know he loves Al but to see him so sick is not something all can handle, but still,,,,,,,,,,I wish he was here

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  9. Terry, I’m so sorry for the pain you and Al are suffering with so much pain. I continue to pray for you both. I know it’s impossible to understand why it has to be this way, but I do know this for sure, Terry. God loves you and Al, and He is always good and just. It is Satan, who comes to steal, kill and destroy us, not God. It is Satan, who revels in our suffering, not God. And it is Satan, not God, who will one day be forced to pay for all of the pain and suffering he has caused you, Al, and everyone else in this world.

    Terry, cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you. I’m praying that He gives you rest tonight, and that when you wake up in the morning, you will feel refreshed. I also pray that God will comfort you, and carry you through this ordeal, and that it will soon be over. And I pray that God carries Al home to be with Jesus quickly and peacefully.

    God bless you,
    Cheryl

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    • thank you Cheryl, I can’t help but be a little confused as to why Al is made to suffer. I know what you say and i know you are right, but watching it so much more heartbreaking than hating Satan at this moment. Hugs

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  10. Terry,
    The fact that he is bleeding and he is so swollen should be enough of a reason for them to send someone out with more pain meds and/or suggest he be moved to an inpatient hospice facility. I don’t mean to come across as bossy or a know it all, but it my heart breaks for you. I just went through this a few months ago and it was so difficult even though we had an excellent hospice experience. As I read your posts it makes me angry that hospice is letting you and your brother down. I do hope they get out there to help you. I don’t know you but you will be on my mind all night. Hugs to you.

    Connie

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    • I feel like I know you. I know your heart. I know you care, and I know you are my friend even after this is over. I will call in the morning, I promise. Hospice will hear my voice

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  11. Sending you many warm and comforting hugs, it woudl be so much better if you were not alone. Wished I was there with you. It is the hardest time to be in with Al and you know that you are strong enough to cope. You do need to nap at least in between as lack of sleep is really bad. Praying for you both my friend.

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  12. I know we only know each other through this blog, but I wish I could come and be with you know, just to give you someone to talk to in person. Someone who could bring you something to eat and drink. Someone to give you a hug. Thinking of you!

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    • The Hospice minister but he only comes once a week. I asked the nurse today and she said she has to listen to the laws about being out in the cold, so she can’t come very often. Yet on the other side she said she would try to find a volunteer to come sit with us. Makes no sense to me. Makes it sound like his nurse just doesn’t want to come extra visits

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  13. Hi Terry
    How was your night? Where are you located? I wish I could come and help you.
    Does he like music? We played all of my husbands favorite music and he passes a few hours later. It seemed to sooth him. We asked him to lift his finger or squeeze our hand if he could hear us and he was or if he was in pain and he did that so we knew to get him more pain meds. Dont know what other advice to give except to tell him you love him and that he will find peace in the light.
    Connie

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    • I did get some sleep last night and only woke up three times, so that was better. I never tried the squeezing fingers but that is a fantastic idea. I am going to try that today. Thanks for the help my friend!!!! I live in Warsaw, Indiana. Where do you live?

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  14. I feel so impotent, for there is nothing i can write other than that which I have so many times before..I pray for your peace and Al’s release. I pray for your renewal and smiles. I pray.

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  15. All I have for you are prayers and love – Gods and mine. I hope you can get some rest and know when you feel the most alone we are all there with you.

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  16. Terry, I wish with all my heart that Al finds his path of release from this suffering soon and I very much agree with the other readers, The Hospice should have admitted him to round the clock care before now. I hope they offer a solution tomorrow for both of you ((Big Hug))

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  17. Terry, I don’t know what to say …. I feel so deeply for what you both are going through. You know where to find me .. if you want to talk. I understand that you’re not able to sleep, I would had been just the same. I hope you found some comfort.

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  18. So many have said exactly what I was going to say Terry. I would call Hospice as others said and demand someone get there and stay with you until Al passes or you decide to put him in hospice for these last hours. I would also call the Dr. for more meds or at the least to let him know if hospice doesn’t respond properly. Call the minister that came before most times there are those in the church that will come and be there for you more than they are there for AL. My prayers, thoughts and love are for you my dear friend, I wish I could be. ~L

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  19. Hang in there Terry. Try to get small naps if not a full couple hours rest. Maybe 20 min or so of closing your eyes – taking deep breaths. Saying a prayer or two. Maybe that will take you into a much needed nap.
    And – as the others – please do call the hospice & ask for what you need. Someone should be there to help & advise – especially when they are much needed. That’s their business. Don’t feel bad to call & keep calling until you & Al get the help & comfort that you need.
    {Hugs} to you & Al

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  20. My heart is broken for what Al and you are going through! But I believe everything happens for a reason we might not know why but someday we will. God is good, all the time.

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  21. My prayers are there for you and Al. I am so sorry to read all you have been going through for so long and how hard it is not. I am not sure why God is allowing this, but I do know that He is holding you both in His arms. I will be praying for sleep for you. You are a hero in my eyes…you have been for so long. God bless you both.

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    • Hi Skye! So nice to see you. Today I am so tired. I only got up three times last night but this is the second day without help here. I guess I have been tired for a long time and it is catching up with me?? LOL

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      • I have been praying for you every day (I have you and Al in my journal). I am so sorry that you are going through so much. You truly are an inspiration to me and to many. There are not that many like you in the world. You are very special. (((Hugs)))

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  22. I love seeing all of the heart felt comments that are sent your way…wishing you strength to get through the next couple of days…because it sounds close…I hate to say it…but, you will probably just wilt…from exhaustion …grief…and relief …Best to you as always…may it be soon!…mkg

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  23. I know Al is scared. Whether that is scared of dying or scared of leaving you alone, I don’t know. He feels he can’t leave you yet. He needs to know you will be fine. I don’t know why he doesn’t believe it. I’m hoping he will see you will be fine

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  24. Continuous prayers for you and Al. As others have suggested, playing music you both like might make the time pass easier and reduce stress for both of you. Also when you don’t know what to say, you might try reading from the Bible or from favorite poems, letters, etc. it is your voice he will hear and respond to. Peace to both of you.

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  25. It is so close. Just be with him. It is doubtful that he is in pain or suffering any discomfort. Is Al on a syringe driver and do you know whether they have Dormicum in the driver? It is hard for you. Be strong my friend. Al’s suffering is almost over. Death in his case is not the enemy – living is. Hugs

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  26. Hi Terry

    Connie here. I live in Wisconsin, in a suburb of Milwaukee. How are things going? If hospice isn’t coming out to help, call Your brothers or your doctor and see if they can help, or call the hospice and ask them for the number of their headquarters office. When you. Get it, call and ask to talk to the head of the company. Maybe they can shake people into action. I go hope things have gotten better.
    Connie

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  27. it’s certainly not the same as having support face to face but i offer you my strength to help support you through this crisis. i cringe whenever i hear of a medical professional behaving the way that nurse did. yes his time is coming and it will come when his body and soul are ready. you have given all to al and can be as proud of you as we are. i am proud to know someone as kind and loving as you. blessings to you both, love and warm hugs from me to you

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