Vomit or Blog It


Yesterday when Hospice was here, the nurse and I  had a conversation alone out of Al’s bedroom. She told me it was time to get Al’s clothes together for what I wished him to wear at his funeral.

She told me to get around several photos of Al, and the funeral home would put together a video that would be shown  to others walking in. This was all hard for me to swallow. I decided to wait until tomorrow and have my girlfriend help me with this.

I was so excited last night when the phone rang and it was my girlfriend letting me know she was returning for another visit with me. I don’t know what I would do without her. She is just the best.

But during the conversation between the nurse and I, she made a comment that made me want to run to the bathroom and vomit. Pictures flew through my mind and they were not pretty at all.

The nurse didn’t smile or laugh. She seemed very serious. I  pondered on her words all day. I finally forced myself to walk to the mailbox and check my mail. I had to get out of the house.

Al was sleeping so I took the ten minutes to walk and snap a few photos. I will post those at the end of this post.

Last night Al didn’t go to sleep until about 3am. I was so tired after having the night before being about the same and no caregiver for two days. I tried sleeping in my recliner but my mind kept going back to our conversation earlier.

I couldn’t sleep in my bed so I laid down on the couch. I finally fell asleep only to be woken by nightmares. The nightmares were of our conversation earlier that day. I stumbled through the night with restless sleep and recurring nightmares.

The caregiver came today and by noon I could hardly keep my eyes open. I had to lay down. I excused myself and laid on the couch. I think because the caregiver was here I went to sleep immediately.

Tonight I am trying very hard to forget what that nurse said, but it is hard. I finally decided to blog my thoughts, hoping between your comments to come and lack of sleep I can get by until tomorrow when my friend arrives.

Do you want to know what the nurse told me? She said so matter-of-fact, that when the hearse comes to take Al’s body, they will put it in the back of the car and then go from place to place, and pile these bodies up and together in the back of that car.

All I could see is Al, my baby brother, being crushed and mauled by other deceased bodies. Even thinking about it now makes me want to vomit. Is this the way it really happens?

If not, why did she comment with it. I would give anything to have been deaf when she spoke. Even if for some chance she was trying to get a smile out of me or lighten the death coming, it didn’t sit well with  me at all.

This is my brother, the one I have cared for, for six years, fighting this terrible MSA. I don’t want to hear this crap. I am not accustomed to working with death like Hospice is.

There, I got it out, now I hope it helps me to sleep tonight.

snow daysnow day 2snow day 3snow day 4

67 thoughts on “Vomit or Blog It

  1. Absolutely not!!! My Bro-n-law drives for a funeral home I called and asked him he said in no way would this be done unless there was a mass of bodies like in a plane or train crash and even at that all would be in individual body bags. He at first jokingly said to me what everyone in Indiana dying at once? When I explained he said to offer his condolences and that to assure you this will not happen. Love and thoughts are with you my dear friend.

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  2. Oh my dear one! You should have a conversation–if at all possible that will not jeopardize Al’s care and your support through Hospice–with someone higher up the command chain than this individual! No. That is absolutely not the way it happens. My husband’s mother passed at home and she was treated with complete dignity; the police chief came and checked her because she passed at home and they had to confirm no foul play. They asked who was there with her at the time, wanted to know her medications and conditions, etc. And they asked my husband if he wanted to make arrangements; he agreed and called the mortuary he had chosen. The mortician came and took her. Mind you, this was in a small NJ town. I also had my first husband die at home and I called 911; they worked on him but he was already gone. When I got to the ER, they told me and they kept him there until I made arrangements. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you and I pray your peace, right now in the Name of Jesus.

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  3. Terry, Even if it was true, what would be her purpose in saying that to you? I cannot imagine what you are going through and then to have someone be that insensitive. I would definitely “report” her inappropriate comment.
    I just pulled up a page which talks about procedures once a person dies. http://www.thelightbeyond.com/funeral_procedures_dispelling_the_mystery.html
    Sounds to me very reassuring that they take proper care and give respect to the body of the deceased.
    Rest assured Terry that, at that point, your brother will no longer be in that earthly body but be free and well entering the pearly gates. Then will be time for rejoicing!
    Take care…God will bring you through this. (((Hugs)))

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    • Thank you Linda. This gives me a big sigh of relief. I understand he will be only a shell, but he will be the shell that I love……………I am so glad you told me the truth. big hugs

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  4. This nurse – compassion is her specialty, huh? Honestly, what a cruel thing to say to anyone in your situation. My cousin owns a funeral home and there’s no way that happens. Praying for you both.

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  5. This is NOT true at all! This “Nurse” needs to be reported!!! I would report her and have her license REVOKED!!!!! She would NOT be allowed in my home!!! some people are not meant to be in the medical field. Oh Terry let me get ahold of her!!!! So very sorry from the bottom of my heart for her saying such rude, insensitive and wrong things!!! Asking the LORD to watch over you and AL more closely – and not let people like this near you!!

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  6. I absolutely cannot believe she said that. It is cruel and insensitive. I agree with the above comments that her comments should be reported. I am sure he will be treated with sensitivity. Local companies know they get their referrals by wore of mouth and they will do their best to comfort you. Good luck as you prepare the pictures and prepare yourself for life after Al’s death. Take care of yourself. I am so glad your friend is coming to help you. You both remain in my prayers.

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  7. Sweetheart no wonder you had nightmares WOW! When my husband passed hospice called for an ambulance to come take him. If this is what they plan they should of never told you that. It is very disrespectful think to tell ones loved one who is caring for that they will be piled in a hearse with other peoples loved ones. I would def ask if an ambulance can come. I am so sorry you had to and still go through this trauma she has caused you. For one they are supposed to call the mortician to come and pronounce him and they call for the ambulance to come get him. That is very very wrong. My heart aches for you. I hope that you in the midst of your pain and knowing loss you do not allow them to take advantage and disrespect you both this way. I would call and talk to whom ever is in charge at the hospice center

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    • Thank you so much for your comforting words. It just made me sick. I realize that Al will not really be in the body, that he will be in heaven, but I couldn’t deal with the fact he would be treated so bad

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  8. This is not the way it happens when they come to pick up the remains of someone who has stepped into heaven.
    My friends husband is a funeral director and I asked him and he said absolutely not.
    He said the hospice nurse should have never told you that and it is illegal for her to tell you that kind of stuff, and it is an out and out lie.
    The remains of the deceased are treated with kindness and respect.
    I talked to our hospice provider who has been with me with each of my brothers who have passed, and she said what the hospice worker said to you was totally out of line and she could get in trouble for what she said.
    This is the time when hospice workers do give loved ones advice on getting the things together like outfit and photos for a slide show at the service.
    My prayers, love and caring are with you and feel my old lady granny hug.

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    • Oh thank you for clearing that up for me. I was just full of nothing but sick feelings knowing he would be no longer in my care but in the hands of someone who didn’t give a crap. Bless you and thank you

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  9. That is absolutely untrue!!!! I can’t believe someone could be so hurtful!! I agree with all the above comments, this woman is definitely not in the right profession, I’m so sorry you are going through this at such a difficult time in your life. How on earth does she have any idea at all how much longer your brother will be with you, no one knows these things!!! Thinking of you and of course Al. xo

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      • You should not be feeling this way, when does your friend arrive? I hope you report her to someone, although the damage is already done…will be thinking of you .

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  10. I cannot imagine this is allowed…OMG Terry how insensitive can some people be. To ease your mind you should call the funeral home – I am sorry but this is just wrong and then to tell a family member. Hugs and continued prayers my friend. You are very blessed to have a good friend nearby to help you.

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    • She did mess with my mind pretty bad. So many comments tonight letting me know this isn’t the way it really works. I wasn’t going to blog on this but I am glad I did. Hugs Patty

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      • I am glad you did too. We all love you and Al. I have been thinking of you so much today – Keeping you lifted up in prayer.

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  11. It’s appalling, Terry. I can’t believe she was so callous. That’s just horrible. I’m so sorry. You surely didn’t need that terrible picture in your mind. I think a formal complaint would be in order when this is all over., in hopes that she won’t hurt anyone else this way.

    And I’m so glad your friend is coming. Would it be ok with you if I pray that Al will pass when she’s there with you?

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  12. That’s awful that she would say that. I can’t imagine that they would do that. No way.
    I’m sure that Al will be treated with respect all the way through by the person/people that would stop by for him. For piece of mind – maybe contact the funeral home and ask them what their process is.
    I’m content to hear that your friend will be back to visit you & to be with you.
    She’s a keeper.
    {Hugs} to you & Al
    & I wish your friend a safe trip as she makes her way to your place.

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    • Thanks RoSy. I just couldn’t get what she said to let go. I had to blog in order to fix it. So many say she is wrong and I now feel much better. I just could not let him go with strangers that don’t care even a little bit. I know money is important, but pit stops? to pick up others? I am so glad she is wrong

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  13. I admire your strength…remain strong. I went through the death of my mother and father, hospice was my lifeline. My thoughts are with you!

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  14. OH……MY…..GOD….. Terry… I can not believe she said those things… I am with Dayna Bauer… You need to ” REPORT HER” please report her…. Besides being a bunch of lies… that is NOT what hospice is about… OH MY GOD… I wish I was there! I know you are so tired… I would of stood there in shock at first that she even would say something like that… I am in shock just reading your story… … I am so sorry ….. People can be so rude… I know a lot of nurses with no compassion… But not Hospice… You and Al are in my prayers…. I will be happy when your friend gets there for you… Big Hugs

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    • I think I am still in shock but feel better after the many positive responses on how this nurse is nuts. When my friend gets here, I will be better, as she is my rock. Thanks Tobi!!, big hugs

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  15. My dear .. I can barely begin to imagine what you are feeling. I guess you titled this post perfectly.
    I can only wish you strength …. the angel that you have as a background will be there with the twi of you!!! Hugs, tight hugs!!!

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  16. Terry that was a horrible thing to say. I am so sorry. Here is a link to a book I have been reading it, “Journey of Souls” and is about what happens to souls when the earth body dies. It is an awesome book and I think you will enjoy it. http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Souls-Studies-Between-Lives/dp/1567184855/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1390969910&sr=1-1&keywords=journey+of+souls

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  17. Terry I can’t believe that.It can’t be possible.I am sure they treat bodies still with dignity. I can believe that it totallly stirred you up and you couldn’t sleep. I really think that is impossible. I wonder why she said it, it is not tactful or nice or comforting to say anything like that to any carer who loves the person they care for. That lady has no compassion or heart!

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  18. When a great light shines, the shadows are darker…
    I’m sorry you have so many dark shadows in your life but I’m glad, from reading the comments, that you have some wonderful support. And your friend is coming soon. My best wishes to you all.

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  19. Dearest Terry, I will just repeat what everybody else is telling you. This is not what will happen. I can not even begin to understand what goes on in the head and heart of that nurse, and as I can not understand that I will not comment. Her superiors though, need to know. A crucial part of the hospice philosophy is that the whole family is involved, which means she should be there for you too, if not for anything else, to make you strong to take care of Al. I can see that you might be too tired to talk to her superiors, and it should not be your main concern now, but later, you would be able to help others through retelling your experiences to the board or the manager of the hospice. I would not have allowed a nurse like that to do hospice work.

    What I also see is a spiritual struggle, the angels and Jesus are rejoicing at the love and wonderful caring you are giving Al. You are bearing a strong testimony to the world of how true love is and how we all should take care of each other. To some, both humans and spirits that is unsettling and challenging and they will try to make it more difficult for you. Remember that Jesus will never give up the fight and have claimed Al as his no matter how these last days turn out.
    Love, Solveig

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  20. The caregiver was WAY WAY out of line. May the Lord be with you in these next few days, comfort your heart and give you wisdom. Thank the Lord for your friend. So glad you have someone else there to help you with all of this.

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  21. Terry, seeing red today over the comments of the Hospice nurse…you may have to continue with her at this late hour, but at some point she needs to be turned in to the agency she is working for as this is very inappropriate. I have dealt with Hospice nurses, they do not “sugar coat” so to speak situations; but they are respectful, tactful and are filled with concern over your heartache. This person is not the norm for these nurses and giving them a bad name. Second, no, the funeral home does not pick up and pile everyone in one vehicle, oh my goodness, I wish I could have been there to hear this; ;you are such a wonderful person, an Earth Angel, me, this old tongue can slice and dice if necessary. My sweet girl, may God’s light shine on Al, you and your wonderful friend. Hugs and Love coming your way from so many unseen friends. Ann

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  22. I am appalled at what that person said to you Terry, She is a cruel evil woman and deserves to lose her job for that one comment alone and I hope she does. I am pleased to hear that your friend is able to be with you, She knows you need someone right now – to be there and be your friend. ((hugs))

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  23. I am surprised that someone who works for hospice would so utterly lack compassion. Even if multiple bodies are picked up, what good would it do to tell loved ones that? As for the photos being turned into a memorial video that is true and it can be an emotionally rewarding task, though it seems heartbreaking at the time.

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  24. Oh Terry, as if you haven’t been through enough. I can not believe a hospice nurse cold be so hurtful. Hospice will notify funeral home after confirming his passing. The funeral home will treat your brother with dignity and respect.
    I have never heard such a thing. That nurse really has no empathy and doesn’t have the compassion to work in hospice. Rest peacefully. Your brother will be in good hands. Hugs
    Wendy from PA

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  25. Terry, please take a moment when you can and either call or write, both the state board of nursing and the hospice licensing board and make sure that they understand what this person is doing. I don’t know the law in your state but I would consider video taping or recording her in some way. This is evil. You are in my prayers!

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