I Lost It

It’s been a couple of day since I have written. The reason why is shame. Shame on how I fell apart. The knowledge of knowing someone saw me at my weakest. Seeing Al still show signs of leaving this earth and yet he is still here, lingering for what?, I don’t know.

Yesterday my girlfriend arrived. I had already been suffering from fighting off the panic attacks from returning from 20 years ago. Fighting to stay strong through seeing my brother fade from this earth.

The truth is my friends, that although I know that having Al in heaven is the most blessed reward, I can’t handle him leaving me. It is the most selfish and yet human feelings I have felt in some time.

I started feeling and becoming worried over the little things I was feeling inside. A warm feeling would go through me from head to toe. I would get dizzy and as this progressed so did my fear. Fear of dying, fear of leaving this earth before Al.

As I obsessed I was able to, without trying, to allow my blood pressure get to a dangerous point of a stroke. The harder I tried to calm myself, the higher it climbed. I was out of control and even with my girlfriend here at my side, I couldn’t fight what was happening. I was losing the battle and needed help.

Seeing my brother’s lips turn to a purple/blue didn’t help matters. My diabetic numbers bottomed out, forcing me to have to live the rest of the day with trying to recoup from this.

Hospice nurse arrived mid-evening and checked on Al. No one really knows why he is still lingering. I have to say that God is the only one, and maybe some day I will understand this whole ugly mess.

The nurse checked my blood pressure and then instructed me to call my Doctor. I did do that and he had me take an extra pill which helped but I couldn’t rid the anxiety I was feeling.

The truth is I am an excellent caregiver but an absolute failure at caring for myself. I have always thought I can conquer all. I can fix anything, and yet there I was a total mess, right in front of my friend, to boot.

I called the doctor first thing this morning and got an appointment for today at noon. My friend took me and as soon as I saw my wonderful friend, the doctor, I broke down into a pot of tears.

He blamed my sugar ups and downs and my stress all on being a caregiver for a brother. He wasn’t angry at me. He did let me no in no uncertain terms that stress can kill. He prescribed me a medication that will help with anxiety, and told me not to take the extra blood pressure pill.

I took it after getting it filled and it helped. Early this evening the feelings came back and I took another. It does help but doesn’t make me loony. It just takes the edge off. I am a different person tonight. I am still very tired, drained and worn out. I slept this afternoon and will most likely sleep tonight.

Al lays in his bed fighting to die and I lay in my bed fighting to live. I pray God realizes that I am a weak creature. My strength is becoming weaker. Al wants to desperately go to heaven, and I want this over for the both of us.

Al hasn’t spoken in a few days. Tonight he opened his mouth for food but couldn’t really help in keeping it in, so we sort of made a mess with him eating. He is still eating but mainly baby food. His swelling was down in his hands last night, but back today.

The infection we thought was being controlled is not working. It was back in full force. The facts are the illness of MSA, Multiple System Atrophy, is so full inside of Al, that it is seeping out of his body.

Although we turn him regularly, his skin is breaking down. Sores are appearing that we fight with medications. Most of the time he doesn’t realize I am in the room. On a good moment his eyes will follow me. Sometimes he will watch the TV, but most times he sleeps through it.

Faye, one of the caregivers brought him a wonderful set of The Three Stooges DVD’s. I have it playing a lot for him because I know if Al was truly here with me, he would be laughing right now and calling me in the room to say, ” Look at this Terry, look at this. Isn’t this funny?”


55 thoughts on “I Lost It

  1. I so recall even now of wanting my Mom to be taken home far earlier than she was and not understanding and yet having to acknowledge that God is God…. At the time it was certainly not easy … nor is it for you and my heart aches for you… I pray that the medication you have will at least keep you somewhat calmed and your blood pressure and diabetes under control… Diane


  2. Sweetie you have no need to feel shame. Being a caregiver to our loved on is the hardest thing on earth. As we watch who we remember them as leave and be replaced with someone we do not know, our heart breaks.
    Yes we want them to be able to step into heaven and be free, but we also love them so much and will miss them so much, we secretly hope for a miracle-that we will step into their room and have the one we loved back.
    You are doing wonderful and there is no shame to be had.
    I watch my husband fall deeper and deeper into dementia, and I feel guilty for feeling so angry that the man I love is gone.
    Sweetie we are all human and yes we are afraid, hopeful and we all feel guilty at one time or another.
    I am on blood pressure meds. i never had to take before hubby got sick and anxiety medication.
    We all walk this path.
    Holding out a hand for you to hold and giving you a big hug.


  3. Praying for you and Al. So sorry that you are suffering also! Wish we lived closer so I could help and be there for you both. I also have no idea why the Lord is waiting on taking Al home with him and suffering so! We have so many disease and sickness these days – why MSA? Praying for each and everyone whom has it and their families. We are all connected – one day we will have the answers we desire. Until then we will support each other and believe in the power of our Lord!!! Love you Terry & Al !!!


  4. There are just no words. My tears are for you both. Please, Lord, this needs to end for both Terry and Al. I pray that You take him home soon, and that you give my friend Terry the peace of knowing that You know what is happening, that You love her, and that You love Al. This is so hard, and so many of us, her blogging friends, are praying. Please, Father, we ask for this to be over. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.


  5. It’s okay to be human. 🙂 You are going through something that requires it of you. Feel your feelings. If you don’t, they will find other ways to manifest themselves, and as bad is this is, that manifestation could be so much worse. Let your friend take care of you. Rest. Trust. I pray for Al’s quick release, that whatever is keeping him here would be resolved so he can take that final step over the threshold. I pray that you will feel peace as he does so, and that when the time comes, your sorrow will eventually give way to new life and you will be able to breathe again. Rest well tonight, Terry. ❤


  6. All your feelings & reactions…It’s ok Terry. You are going through a lot & not only for yourself – but – for your dear brother. And – sometimes crying & breaking down is your body’s way to relieve some stress. Glad that your friend is there with you & Al. And – glad that you went to see the doctor.
    Holding you & Al in my prayers-
    {Hugs} all around


  7. Terry you’re just as important to take care of as Al. You’re worth the care too. You’re not loonie, and you don’t need to feel shame for being human. You’re in a lot of pain and you have health issues too. Take care of you. xo


  8. Don’t feel embarrassed for breaking down, Terry. Tell the truth, I am surprised you haven’t done so before. You have an incredible strength to be able to carry on as much as you have. Don’t be embarrassed 🙂


  9. Sweet Terry and precious Al, I’m not usually one to shed a tear but tonight I must have made up for a couple of years. My heart breaks for the both of you and each tear carried a prayer to our Father. Terry there is no shame in letting a true friend see how weary you are, even to the point of exhaustion that you have every right to be in, God sends us the right people at His right time. Why? Why has our Creator left brother Al here for so long? Sadly we may not know the answer until we are standing in His presence but His Word tells us that He has a purpose in all things,they may be small things but in this I truly believe He will use you two to touch lives in a large way. I know that your openness, your humility, your pure love for your brother, your tender way of reaching out for prayers, and your freedom just to share your trials HAS touched lives. I know you have mine, and I sincerely thank you for letting me and my family share in your lives. Please know that you know we are taking you before our Lord DAILY. One more thing to remember, especially when these tough days try to knock you down, it wasn’t all that long ago you shared a very intimate happening with Al, one that all but makes me jealous of Al, he had a visitor, one that I long to spend our eternity singing to and dancing with. Our Savior was there! I believe that daily our Lord is just waiting for the word from our Father saying “it is time Son….bring my son Al home.” Be assured sweet sister continuously, throughout each day, you and Al will I be laying before our wonderful Fathers throne. In the love of our Savior……sleep a restful sleep tonight.


  10. We only can let you know that we’re still here to listen, my friend. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings, this situation is hard to handle for anyone who is involved in such kind of situation. Take care! Big Hug and Prayers for the both of you!


  11. I remeber when someone finally told me…YOU need to take care of yourself!…when I was dealing with my son’s illness at it’s full blown time…
    I’ll be so ever grateful to this person…actually was the starting point to getting us to where we are today!…
    so, please listen to your DR. and take what he is giving you to get through this…


  12. Terry, why feel ashamed over being weak?????!!! You’re just human and you have the right to be what ever you want to me .. when ever you need to. Also you’re making yourself sick over this … so please look after yourself – phone the doctor … because what happens to Al, if you suddenly just collapses or turn seriously ill … don’t be “stupid silly”, Terry. Promise me.
    Thinking of you both ..


  13. You are in our prayers everyday. You can rest assured your loving care is a tremendous blessing for Al right now. May the Lord grant you His grace and strength to continue on and may the Lord bless Al with physical comfort from his sufferings. Lord bless you.


  14. Terry, I am just reading… my internet isn’t right… For the past 2 months they’ve been working on it… and it could be April for it to be right. I haven’t been able to keep a connection very long at a time. I hope this comment will post… I care so much. Love, Gloria


  15. Terry, God wants you to rest your cares in him. He knows how you feel about your brother; he will use it in the future. If you can try this it may help. Think of Jesus as being there sitting in Al’s room. Al is at peace because of Jesus’s presence. He is filling your space with himself. When we know those we love have that relationship with Jesus established, it continues in eternity. I am so glad you have been able to write your feelings because it is a healing process that many others can’t or won’t do. You will get through this.


  16. Terry, I am so sorry that you are continuing to go through this. As my dad was in ICU , on a ventilator, unable to speak, my aunt said these words to me, “Don’t be anxious, Honey. The Lord is just having some quiet time with your Daddy. He knows what He is doing whether we do or not” I wish that I could take your’s and Al’s pain away, but one thing I know, is God is faithful! Terry, He will never leave nor forake you or Al. As Psalm 37:23 says, He cares about every detail of your lives. So, Father, right now I claim that as Isaiah 26:3 says You will keep Terry in perfect peace as she continues to trust in and fix her thoughts on You. May Terry cast all her cares, her anxieties, her worries and concerns once and for all on You, for You care for her affectionately, and and care about her watchfully.(1 Peter 5:7 AMP) May Terry praise you and remember all the good things you have done for her as Psalm 103 & 147 says for You heal all of her diseases and crown her with love and tender mercies and You heal her broken heart. Father, may Your HolySpirit comfort Terry right now, right where she is, surrounding her in a tangible peace, in Jesus name, amen. With my love and prayers, Terry, Sheri.


  17. My father loved The Three Stooges and we would watch the show together every weekend afternoon. To this day, to feel close to his spirit, I will put an episode on. Simple things can bring such comfort in difficult situations. I hope your meds will help you feel better. It is so difficult to manage stress and not make yourself sick as a caregiver.


    • oh Joy, I see my own self doing this at a later time, or just holding his cars or a piece of his coca cola. Anything to feel closer to Al. I completely understand why you pop those movies in. Hugs


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