Hour By Hour

My heart is heavy burdened tonight. On the outside I look alright, but on the inner soul it is breaking. My friend is leaving Monday morning. She has been my rock and I am very thankful for the time she has stayed with me.

But a sadness remains as Al does too. I so didn’t want to be alone when that dreadful last breath was taken. God has his plan and I had my desires. The two do sometimes not coincide.

Last night Al took another turn for the worse. His blood pressure went very high. It was 160/120. Quite frankly, it frightened me to death. I could not find his heart beat as it was too soft.

His one lung is swollen. It is obvious to the naked eye. One side of his chest is swollen. His one side of his face was all puffy. His eye was almost swollen shut and his face was puffy.

His breathing was very shallow. I think one time he followed me with his eyes, but for the most part I don’t believe Al is here with me. He stares a lot, looking at nothing. He is now on oxygen. Water is given very little. Baby food can no longer be given in the meals as he chokes on the very tiny, soft foods. We are down to applesauce, and very strained veggies.

I don’t understand any of it. I don’t like the way it is going. I am questioning everything that is happening and what isn’t. I have even put off blogging because I have nothing good to say.

Who wants to hear or read someone’s blog when they are so sad and frustrated? But I had to write. I don’t know if it is healing to me or not, but I am getting it off my heart and onto paper.

I am living almost hour by hour, waiting, watching TV and not hearing it. Sleeping and waking up too often. For me, this needs to be over. For Al, I pray it will be soon.