Thanks For Letting Me Blabber On

My friend left this past Wednesday. I did alright, I didn’t fall apart. Even the next day I did good. I did so well I didn’t even need to take the stress reliever medicine. But the next day was Valentine’s Day.

Maybe without wanting to admit it, I felt a little left out of the over-rated love day. All I heard on TV for days was what men were going to buy their sweethearts. Flowers of your choice for any woman’s taste.valentinered rose

All I know for sure is I started sinking inside. With all the snow still lingering and the news of more snow storms coming tomorrow I started becoming sad again.

Yesterday I spent almost all day in bed. I napped off and on, but the sad part I was recognizing was I just wanted to be buried under my covers and as far away from Al’s illness as I could get. I would get up off and on and go check on Al.

He hasn’t been very responsive as of late. The illness continues to leak out of any orifice it can find. His eating is down to about a half of a jar of baby food at a time. His eyes will follow me, especially if I have the blue bowl in my hand. He knows there is ice-cream, well sherbet in that bowl.

We had to take him off of ice-cream and switch him to sherbet as he choked too bad on the ice-cream. The more I looked at him, the more I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything special to make me look better.

I remembered when my friend was here she actually had me rolling my hair and putting make-up back on. I did that too the day after she left, but before I knew it; the desire left.

My girlfriend had been calling each evening and she called my yesterday morning announcing she was returning. She came late afternoon and I was already a tense mess. I was ashamed that I was still in my house robe but yet I didn’t seem to have the energy to actually get dressed or even care.

I had to break down last evening and take one of my special pills again. I was fighting it so hard. I just didn’t want to take it. To me, it is a sign of weakness. Too screwed up to fight these feelings I was forced to lean on the little pills.

I don’t know why I allow or let myself fall into this trap of being so sad and depressed. It isn’t even me that is sick, it is Al. I look at him laying in that bed of his and I think, Wow, look what a trooper he is. Staying in that bed for months and yet he never complains. But here I am; able to walk and move around and I am feeling so low.

I then kick myself in the rear for being such a big baby. How and when did I let his illness become mine? I am my own worst enemy. I take on others feelings as if they were mine. The worst part is no matter what I tell myself I don’t stop. I let myself get too emotionally involved. Maybe it is because he is just not a patient, he is my brother. Yet, I still need that little pill to keep going.

My friend said she will see how Al is, and if there is no change, she will leave Tuesday. It is alright. I can’t tell her what day he will pass. I can only tell her that Al has hours to days as the nurse says and just wait. I realize my friend has a husband and a dog and her life to live. I don’t want her here waiting for something that may not happen when she is here.

Yet, if he passes when she leaves I, well I don’t know what I will do. I imagine knowing me like I do, I will stand tall and carry forth what needs to be done. I won’t break down or have a heart attack, I will do what I have to do.

My mother and friend have always said I am a survivor. Maybe I am, but I feel anymore that if something doesn’t break soon I am going to temporarily go nuts. I have made it for seven years taking care of family, so why now am I not as strong as I used to be. I don’t know most answers anymore, I tend to just go with the flow or hide under my covers.

49 thoughts on “Thanks For Letting Me Blabber On

  1. Sometimes we need to have a day and want to hide under the covers….just for a bit, but then yes we need a kick in the bum and go for it again. Don’t give up, you are a survivor, and you can do it. I am very proud of what you have already done, you are a very strong and amazing lady! Believe me you have my total admiration and love!


  2. Your post on Thanks for letting me blabber…touched my heart..I can relate…I myself try to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders…my moms MSA journey is now 3 years in…walker..slurred speech…getting dressed and doing simple task are difficult. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I too rely on a little pill. Maybe I need a stronger one…if I could stay in bed…and never leave my house…I would!! We will be driving to see mom this weekend…so I will put on my happy face…and try to Fix it All…I give my day to God every morning…then like a dummie…I take it over around 8:30…today I’m too tired to take over…I’m gonna let God have it!!!
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and I am still crying over your post. You just need some Light…some You time…your worn out mentally….I want to fix you too!! That’s what we do…when we Love…we just have to be very careful…not to let all our Joy be taken!!!
    Because of this post…I’m getting up…I’m going to bathe…put on my make-up…my grandkids are coming!!! Time for me to snap out of it!! One Day At a Time. Big SQUEEZE To You!!!!


    • Your comment made me feel like we share so much in common. I am exactly like you. You and I love totally and are committed to what we do. You have a great weekend. Keep smiling like I try to do. Big hugs and make sure to stop by and chat again


  3. There is nothing wrong with staying under the covers a day or two and there is especially no shame in taking medication to keep you from being sad, depressed, or anxious. You said it yourself you have been taking care of others for seven years but if you think about it you have children so it has been many years of caring for others, it is time to care for yourself.
    You will do what is necessary because that is your makeup, your character if you will, when Al goes home then you can fall apart for a bit and then your strength will come back and you can get on with caring for you. love and hugs your way.


  4. You are not showing weakness for needing support at such a time as this. In fact if you didn’t miss people being with you or if you didn’t need help with stress I would worry about you more!


  5. Terry – I agree with what so many have said. Self care is so huge! This has been a long caregiving journey for tou. Your life has changed. As we all care for those who are living a tough battle with MSA, we simultaneously live a calling and pour ourselves into our loved one – but we suffer losses, some big and some small, each day. The cumulative impacts of those losses are overwhelming. I am thankful your friend is coming back and I am thankful you have access to medication that can help. Now is the time to accept that help!!! Terry – you are the one brave enough to be very honest about your experience and you are blessing all of us with your words. We all care about you! There are burdens in life we must all carry – and there are burdens in life we are never meant to carry alone. I will pray for more support for you in these last days and that you know the breadth and depth of God’s love for you, each and every moment. You may be physically isolated but please know you are not alone!


  6. You are plain and simply emotionally and physically ‘wrung out’. A person can sustain this kind of stress only so long before it takes its’ toll… So accept that it’s okay that you might need a sedative or sleeping aid once i awhile.. You need to keep going whatever way you can…. No guilt or recriminations… Diane


  7. It’s okay to hide for a bit. I know you’ve been through a lot more than anyone should be asked to handle. *hugs* do what you can and taking a pill is not a sign of weakness you are human terry. As a human you need help sometimes. We all get low and need help.


  8. Stress and anxiety are cumulative, Terry. You said it yourself: Seven years of taking care of family, ignoring your own needs. That’s about as much as anyone could take. And now that you’re so clearly nearing the end of Al’s illness, I think you’re experiencing the coming event like you do when an adrenaline rush is over. You had what you needed for the emergency, but when the emergency passes, you’re as weak as a kitten, weepy, tired, shaky and terrified. All normal, Terry. Normal. You are normal.


  9. Well – if your mom & your best friend both say that you are a survivor – then you definitely are. They would know for sure! And – from what you’ve shared with us – I agree 100% and then some.
    You are allowed to down times. If you wanna’ hide under the blankets right now – I don’t blame you. You are under a lot of stress & this darn winter isn’t helping. It’s keeping us all cold & caved in. I for one – cannot wait for spring weather.
    And about those little pills…I thank God for the smarts he gave people to come up with those to help out when needed. 😉
    {Hugs} to you & Al


  10. Keep on writing about what you are going through Terry. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for – I know for sure that I could not do what you are doing without some sort of medication. Take the pill! Love youxxxxx


  11. you have been taking care of others for 10 years and you wonder why you are feeling depressed???? my question would be why not? terry you need to stop being so hard on yourself and do whatever you need to take care of yourself. al isn’t complaining because he can’t. he has reached that point where he is in another state and when he is present it is not the same as you being present. i am sure you know all this but sometimes we need to hear it from others.

    i wish i lived closer, all i can do is tell you here that i care so much and send you my strength, love and big warm hugs my friend.


  12. Terry you are so talented, so full of colors. I am so sorry about the situation with Al, and I’d do the same for my brother. It’s okay to hide briefly but we gotta come out and perform and make the best of what God gives us each day. God has a special splan for each of us but we have to be tested first. Your in a testing phase then he will prosper you but he doesn’t say how.


  13. Terry!!! Please be kind to yourself… if it was someone else feeling like this.. how would you treat them? would you judge? chide? scold? Nooooooo… knowing you, you would probably make them a nice cup of tea, tell them to put their feet up and rest, while you take over to give them a break.

    Now it’s your turn, you have been doing this for a long time now and you are very much understandably fatigued. Please be kind to yourself. Being kind is also allowing others to help you, to give you a break. Please treat yourself kindly and take it easy. Instead of feeling like you ‘should’ this or ‘should’ that .. give yourself a much needed break and turn off that mental tape that says that you always gotta be strong and crying or being fatigued is weak. Every time you think that, try and imagine instead how you would behave with someone else and then do that to yourself instead.

    You are a very kind woman… but right now… you are not being very kind to yourself.

    BIG HUGS from across the pond!

    p.s. I realized later that this may not have been very kind of me to say so. I apologise already if I have hurt your feelings unknowingly.


    • I really do appreciate your comment. In no way do I take offense or get upset. I am the one who thinks I can help everyone, but now I realize I need a break too. Thanks so much for a very warm comment


  14. You know i felt that way on that stupid day and really and truly for no good reason. It’s okay to hide away from what is going on for a while as long as you realise people are right there with you. Praying that you both find some peace.


  15. You are much stronger than you think. You have already weathered so many storms. Everything you are experiencing is the normal roller coaster of emotions when caring for someone who is dying. And yes, some days, the depression may make you hide under the covers to just escape at least mentally for awhile. If there are resources in your area, joining a grief support group might be a good idea in the coming weeks/months. You do want to be aware of not sinking into a major depression after Al’s passing, but we are all here to help you navigate support resources.


  16. Terry, you are just simply amazing, more than you know….and I can’t say this enough.

    While you work and wait day in and day out for the deliverance of your beloved Al, knowing that he will suffer no more when that time comes, you’re subconscious is most likely in high gear too, and at this time fear is playing a role in your life draining you emotionally. It’s just setting in, the reality that one day your loving home will eventually be an empty nest. I don’t believe for a minute that your strength is waning, you are a strong willed person no matter what you end up going through as a caretaker and friend to your sweet deserving brother…we all see that. And you know as well as I do just how easy it is to miss someone EVEN before they are gone… if we admit this to ourselves, this hurts as much as the fact itself does. You’re hurting, be there are a lot of people out there that are hurting for you too. So please don’t feel alone in this journey. I feel for you very deeply because I went through being a caretaker for my dad for 12 years, with no one there to help me, no one there, in fact, to even sympathize with me. I refuse to even share most of the details, it still hurts me today though dad has been gone for a year now.But, I will admit, my experience was nothing to the degree of what you have been experiencing with Al. Dealing with “old age” is much different ( and less evolved ) than dealing with someone in Al’s condition. I think, at about this time in your life, you are focusing on your own mortality and this may be draining you at an alarming rate. You are becoming emotionally strung in so many directions, from what I’m observing, as your sights are being set on the future, your future. From my perspective of things, you hope to have a friend, a lover, a companion, and soul mate to share with you every second of all your tomorrows still to come. And you have every right to feel this way Terry. You lovingly give so much of yourself, and ask for so little. I pray life will reward you for your kindness in many, many, ways. Foremost, I want for you good health, joy, and peace of mind, the rest will follow. I just know Mr. right is out there, but, just like in every other aspect of our lives, it’s all in God’s timing. Terry, it’s not selfish to be thinking like this, by no means, it’s just that you have so much love and compassion inside you that its playing havoc on your mind, body, and soul these days. Hang in there girl, and know that it may be cleansing to share with Al your hopes for the future ( even if you may think that he won’t understand where you’re coming from, he will). I’m sure he’s given your future some thought. From the beginning of knowing you, it’s been so obvious that you make him swell with pride knowing you have been his rock and shining star for so very long.
    (((((( HUGS))))))



    • Diane, i always have felt a connection with you. Maybe it is the way you and I have cared for our loved ones, alone so much of the time, pouring our hearts and arms out. We do, because we feel, and we feel because we have big hearts. We sense, when others need us. But I forgot to take care of me, but thankfully I did remember before it got too late. Big hugs to you my special friend


  17. I am still praying for you…….. I’ve missed your posts and was trying to find you when today I noticed I was off of following you – not at all sure how that happened. I’m back – I’ve missed you.


  18. It takes many steps to be a survivor and there are many spots to sit and rest because rest is needed.
    One step and one day at a time.
    When he passes close the door and makes the phone calls you need to make.
    Know he is not alone in there but he is with the angels and they have taken him home.
    My brother told me when he died to close the door, and allow him and the angels to reunite and go on their way.
    He told me that when i closed the door and made the phone calls I needed to make, to turn up my fav music and sing with it.
    Angels have united and are preparing the path for Al to go home.


    • That is so beautiful Granny. When I think about what you wrote, I guess it is a job complete. We did our best, we loved and we cared. I love your comment. It really helped me


  19. Dearest Terry, I would want to be under the covers too, there is seriously only so much a person is capable of, and its not weakness, its a need to gather yourself, garner rest, and get ready once again, believe me there is no shame in staying under the covers sweet lady…I am just now getting this update/post, you should know that for any caregiver of an MSA patient, nobody has the strength to put on makeup in the morning, or check their clothes, or know if they are coming or going, its just a gigantic blur, a minute to minute caregiving, not a long range caregiving, its completely different…you are normal and you are loving and I know full well that I would be under the covers for awhile as long as I could be to regroup…xoxoxoxox


  20. Listen to me! I know whereof I speak! There is nothing shameful about the depression you are experiencing, or taking whatever meds help you through it. The sure sign that you are OK is that you yell at yourself for being in it and work at coming out of it.

    After the letdown when Al goes, you will eventually find yourself again — the self you have so generously given away during this long period of illness.

    As for Valentine’s day, I do share the longing for someone who’d care enough to send me one red rose. No candy, please. Sugar is not a gift. It’s poison.


    • I do understand the poison for sure since I am a diabetic. I thought I was a weak sister that I had to take a medication to help me through this. But, all of you have suggested I am not. So, for this I love you for being so honest and giving me permission to get tired


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.