I Made It Through One Day


As each day goes by, I battle more and more to remain the person I know I am. It scares me, even if it is normal to be so stressed at this point in life. I am scared of being addicted to the little white pill. Scared of being weak. Scared of letting Al down.

Last night I was having a panic attack. I swear it came out of nowhere. I felt so dizzy and I felt like I was just going to pass out right there on the floor. I was trying to give Al his sherbet for his bedtime snack but couldn’t pull it off.

I refuse to let Al see me ill or not feeling quite right. I don’t need him to start worrying about me on top of all he goes through. Al has had some changes. Sores have broken out on his ear. His head is locked in a position so that it touches he shoulder bone. Bone on bone and the ear problem are all on the same side. Medications to take care of this.

Constant turning him from side to side. The big, bad medications have been added back into his routine for comfort and relief from pain. He may not be able to get out of that bed, and yet he takes more care and looking after now than ever before.

So I was glad that my friend was here last night. I just looked at her and handed her the ice-cream bowl and ran for my bedroom. Laying down on my bed, flat on my stomach, I prayed to God to please help heal me from this terrible panic mode that has seemed to attach itself to me without invitation.

Slowly I worked myself out of it and came out of it in time to be able to return to Al to finish the nightly things that have to be done for him. I want it to stop. I want to return to the gal I used to be. I want to laugh again, shrug off the small stuff in life, but I can’t.

My shoulders are tight, my mind races constantly. I feel like I am spinning but with the medicine I am able to stay a way from falling off the tight rope.

Today my girlfriend took me out. I had to prepare myself ahead of time. Tell myself that I could be back in the crazy crowds of people. I took my medicine before I left. In the end I made it through it.

I bought me some good smelling perfume I had been wanting for over twenty years. Chanel. I bought me some new finger nail polish. I bought some new eye make-up brushes.

We went to an antique store and I bought a vintage pin. I felt guilt over buying stuff I did not need. She insisted that once in a while we just have to buy things we enjoy. Maybe I am just an old tight wad like my dad.

Either way, I made it, I fought through it. On our way home we stopped at Taco Bell and had a late lunch. Tomorrow we are going back out because Al is almost out of sherbet and baby food. Maybe we will stop at Shoe Carnival and TJ Maxx, who knows.

I make it through one day, hopefully I will make it through one more. I have to keep the faith in myself that this stress and panic crap too shall pass. When I got home I got on the computer and there was a big beautiful bouquet of roses from a dear friend, Connie. A nice way to end the day.roses

40 thoughts on “I Made It Through One Day

  1. Dear Terry,
    You and Al are on my mind everyday. I had surgery last week and all went well. Sorry I haven’t written, but I have ready your posts. You and Al are in my daily prayers and wanted you to know your both LOVED!

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    • Oh Dayna, I am so glad your surgery went well. What a relief! Now just heal swiftly and be back to your normal activities. Thank you for thinking of Al and me while you aer suffering through other things in your life

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  2. I am happy you got out with your friend Terry, and did a bit of shopping.
    One of the things we, as caregivers do, is loose ourselves and we were before we became full time caregivers.
    I think what you re feeling right now is totally normal.
    Hugs

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    • Oh Granny, do you have any idea how much better that makes me feel knowing I am actually normal? I keep telling myself I am losing my mind, losing my sanity. This illness of Al’s has sucked the life out of me it seems. Hugs and thank you

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  3. Your post made me start singing to myself the words of an old favorite song of mine….”One day at a time, sweet Jesus, that’s all I’m asking from you. To show me the way…

    Found the correct lyrics online:

    One day at a time sweet Jesus that’s all I’m asking from you
    Give me the strength to do everyday what I have to do
    Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine
    So for my sake teach me to take one day at a time.

    Here is a U Tube link to it… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFBHZvXdD04

    Hugs to you and Al.

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  4. Terry, the panic attacks and the high stress level and anxiety will also after Al passes. They will. I promise you they will. They are only there because of the anxiety of having such an insanely incredible responsibility caring for Al, that’s normal. The panic attacks come from continued high stress overload and most likely and the anxiety. It will take you a good amount of time to heal, and a good amount of time to get your strength and energy back, please give yourself that…it does take a long time, you have physically, mentally and emotionally drained every possible resource in your body and brain. This does happen. Send me a private message when you have time, I don’t know if they have taught you how to handle these panic attacks and disrupt them in progress. Do NOT feel bad about taking the medication that you need right now, its not addictive, its not very strong, and doesn’t build up in your system. You will not be able to become addicted to them because you are not an addict. The truth from UCDavis as far as drugs and addiction, you have to be an addict. I send you my love sweet lady, give your friend a hug from me too. xoxoxox

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    • I will send you the private message because I don’t want them to get any worse than they are now. I love your comment. in fact, I read your comment three times to try to get it to sink in my brain. I am scared, scared I will die from the panic attack. Scared I will not be able to take care of Al, so I am going to message you right now. Love and hugs

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  5. Terry, I am so glad you got out for awhile today. You are so strong and dedicated. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I thought about the song from “The King and I” when I read your post–“Every day I do my best for one more day…” That is all you can do– your best one day at a time. I continue prayers for you and Al.

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  6. I commend you for being so brave in allowing yourself to be strong and vulnerable at the same time. The right people you need in your life will soon come if they are not already in it. A strong spiritual support–which consists of people who uplift and understand and live love–will be your back bone to get through every single day. This too shall pass, and make you stronger and wiser to share even more with others who will need you as their support.

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  7. Each day as it comes Terry, don’t think ahead or what might be. God gives you strength and he knows you can do it, we know you can. How I wished I could take you out for a bit of fresh air a chat and a treat. Hang in there! Love and pray for you!

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      • Don’t think of what could happen or might happen. Just live in the moment as that is what you have, past is gone, future tomorrow you don’t know. So now is the time you live and are here. Now is when Al needs you. Do what you think is necessary now. Live right in the moment. God will reveal tomorrow when it comes. There is a passage in Matthew about the birds and flower they don’t worry… just found it:

        “25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

        28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

        So day by day Terry, empty your mind a bit and just do today!

        Hope this helps!

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      • I went and found it and high lighted it in my own Bible. I had heard that before, but it seems more now than ever, I need it with me daily. Bless you and thank you Ute. you are absolutely the best!!! bigggggggggg hugs

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  8. I know this sounds ridiculous, but try not to panic about the panic attacks. They will pass, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now. If you can remember to take a few deep breaths, along with your meds, you will make it–one day at a time. You are doing absolutely great, and you underestimate what you’ve managed to do in spite of all the obstacles in your path. You are amazing, and don’t every doubt it. We are all praying for you, and we believe in you and your strength. You and Al continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. (HUGS!)

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  9. Terry,

    You’re certainly not alone in the “panic attack” world. Panic attacks have been a part of my life now ever since my mom passed away 12 years ago. Fortunately, after a few stays in the hospital stemmed from some severe ones, and then a few more bouts with those strange symptoms brought on for whatever reason here at home, I have learned how to be in control ( for the most ) of my mindset keeping those monsters at bay. I STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THE POTENCY OF CAFFEINE FOR STARTERS, especially some coffees and candies…THEN I take any “bad situation” in my life and give myself logical reasons for why it is what it is, Meditation, and writing about life are great outlets for me as well. I do this every single day! Not to mention a long play day out with a good friend at least once every three months, that’s about all the time I have to do this really. These are my fixes, and they keep me from having to do those little white pills you mentioned. Of course, I keep them on hand still just in case… but once a year is now my average for having to take one. And I do mean just one. Panic attacks are pretty common in this country it seems… we are a stressed society of people unfortunately. I hope you eventually find what works best for you.

    (((Hugs)))

    Dianne

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  10. One day at a time dear Terry.
    So nice that your friend is back & good to hear that you made your way out & about.
    And – what a thoughtful gift from Connie.
    {Hugs} to you, Al & your lovely & kind-hearted friends

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  11. Aw, Terry, so sorry the anxiety has gotten to you, too. I get it on occasion now, but had full-blown panic attacks for years and it was all from the loss of control that came along with my big, chronic illness and I suspect the lack of control you feel with Al’s situation is what triggered it, as well. In your case, it will pass. I needed counseling to learn how to have some semblance of control over my out-of-control situation and that helped me, not that anxiety is gone from my life.

    I’m glad you got out with your friend and treated yourself to a few things, including Chanel perfume–I indulge in Hermès and found it half-price on Amazon! That will be what will help: getting some control back.

    xoxo, A

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    • I would like to know what Hermes smells like. It sounds interesting. I want these panic attacks to leave and I hope once this is all over, they too shall pass on by me. Thanks for understanding and being my friend

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      • They will pass, but with time. Just try and hang in there and take what the doc gave you or get a different med if needed. If you get the kind where you can’t breathe, try to get outdoors. They make me feel like I’m drowning and all the air is just gone.

        Oh, the Hermès. Mine is a very unusual one that I first bought in Morocco years ago, but it was made just for me! It’s called Un Jardin en Méditerranée which sums it up, but throw in some cedar (hope you speak some French). 🙂 Well, on your next trip to the big city you have bottles to go and sniff as they have a large array of perfumes, but are only in select stores.

        ❤ ❤ ❤

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  12. Dear LORD, please bless your daughter Terry. Give her Your perfect peace, Father. Fill her with the Holy Spirit and give her the knowledge that You are in control and that You will never leave her. Help her to turn to You without fear (Phil 4:6) and present her needs with confidence, knowing You will deliver her from this storm. Thank you for Terry and for Al. Bless them both. In Your Son’s Name. Amen.

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