A new day has dawned. I had 30 minutes all to myself before the caregiver arrived. I washed my face and then stared at the reflection looking back at me. Who was that woman?
I didn’t get any twinkle in the eyes. The mouth was in a neutral position. She stared at me as I gawked at her. I knew her once. I thought I knew her well.
Being a caregiver can make you another person that without realizing it, you suddenly do not recognize. My hair is the same color, but messy. My shoulders are slumped instead of proud.
I looked away as she did too. Putting that face far from my mind, I went into the kitchen and made some fresh coffee. I fed the cat and cleaned the cat box. I can do this without thought, just a motion that has become a habit.
As the coffee perked, I went in and looked on Al. The familiar breathing that we do without thinking, has changed and I now stare and watch for rhythm. There were no even tones.
What once was smooth has now become sporadic. What was once taken for granted is now always in question. I walked out of his room, positive he is still alive and grab myself a cup of hot coffee.
It taste so good. Hot and fresh, a new cup, like a new day. A new beginning of this thing called life. I sit here and look outside the window as I try to guess what today may bring. Then I see the familiar car pulling into the drive-way. The sound of Rhino, our cat comes to me wanting his first petting of the morning. Life, a mysterious, taken for granted, takes place once again. I take a deep breath as I walk to the door and open it with a relaxed smile on my face. The moment of thought is gone and the day has begun once again.
my dear friend, I feel through your writing the angst of your life right now. Please know you are loved and wished all the good life can give you today and everyday. BIG hugs.
Good morning Len. I pray that I remain strong through out this day and God brings mercy upon Al and me. I hope you have a wonderful day. Thank you for your comment. Hugs to you my friend
This may give you a smile
Woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird,
Perched on my window sill.
It sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.
It sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very song,
Brought out the morning sun.
I pulled back the covers,
… crept slowly out of bed,
And gently shut the window,
And crushed his f***ing head.
I am not a morning person
I laughed my butt off at this!!!!!! I am not a morning person either. Never will be, never, never, never, lol. Thanks so much Al for the great laugh!!! hugs
I’m glad I was able to make you laugh 🙂
That was beautiful. There should be a special word for beauty that shines out despite pain. Sending you love and wishing you a peaceful day.
Wow, thanks Sarah. I just love your comment!!!!! Big hugs!
I hope you have a good day today.
This is so beautiful and authentic. A gem of writing. (From the heart, of course.)
Thank you so much Mona!!
True being a caregiver does turn us into another person that we do not recognize and we do not even realize it is happening.
One step, an down breath at a time.
We are still praying for ease of passage and strength and comfort.
I went to group today and when washed who I used to be, I replied, “I do not remember who I used to be.”
I am asked many times why don’t I act the way I used to. My reply is always the same. I do not remember who I used to be. I do remember that I used to laugh a lot, but now laughter comes slowly. I remember that I used to be more laid back. Now I follow Al’s routine. I imagine that when this chapter is closed, I will find a little of the old me, and mix it with the new me, blend in the void and hollow spaces and find a new soul to live within my heart. Big hugs my dearest friend
Big hugs to you too Terry and you are doing the best you can, and that is darn good.
I needed to read your last comment, you sent it at the precise moment I was in doubt. hugs
Terry, always with you ! many hugs for you!
I am a morning person, so I could bring you even coffee in bed….one day! 🙂
You bringing me coffee in bed is a dream come true!!!! hugs
I trust you are getting some rest between the busy parts of the day. May the Lord continue to bless you as you sacrifice yourself for your loved one. You continue in our prayers.
I am trying but it is difficult
I know that soon I will be exactly in your same shoes – wish we could have a coffee together right now! Or maybe a wine?
oh I could and would love to share drinks with you