All I Can Do is Love Him and Cry Inside

How do you deal with something that is out of your hands? How do you make decisions when there are no options to choose? Which way do you turn when you see no doors open?

For a few days now Al has had his illness seeping out onto his face. We have dealt already with the illness seeping in his feet and his catheter area, but now no one knows how to fix the problem.

Al continues to fight high temperatures that continue to rise and without the help of Tylenol prescription strength, liquid, he would already had a seizure and maybe have been brain-dead or worse.

Now we are dealing with this stupid illness that has come out of his ear and trying to escape through the other ear. Hospice has been here a few times to try to conquer this issue, but nothing they prescribe helps.

No one can get inside the ear and bring MSA out. His ear is swollen, red and bleeding. Worse yet, it is the ear that is on the side of his head that is locked into a non-moving position.  I have never felt so darn helpless as I do now, doing everything in my power and yet doing nothing  at all that helps.

I need a super human power. I need a miracle. I need Al to be released from this terrible pain. I see no sense to this madness. I can not find any explanation as to why Al is not being taken home. I am exhausted, Al is restless and in pain. The illness is having its way with him and all I can do, is love him and inside cry my heart out.

Alcoca cola flagAl on snow daycropped-al-and-rhino-nov-1.jpgAl and me Christmas 2013Angel_Wings__Animated__by_Iaenic

52 thoughts on “All I Can Do is Love Him and Cry Inside

  1. How do you deal with this? One breath at a time, doing what needs to be done as it comes up.
    The doors will open when it is time for Al. No one can make them open sooner and I do not believe he is suffering as much as those who love him are suffering watching him die this way.
    I am praying for ease of passage and have been. I believe the angels are with him and you.
    This is not an easy path you walk but one that you can walk, even at times if you feel like jumping off a cliff would be easier.
    Hugs and loves sweet friend.


  2. My heart breaks for you both, You’re not alone but it must feel that way. My hands are together, fingers folded in prayer. I don’t even know what to pray for, besides that He relieves the pain you both feel and give you the grace to handle the load.


  3. I am more sorry than words can convey. God, please, release Al and Terry from this torment. Strengthen her, ease her heart, as she cares for him through the remaining time. Please, Lord. Amen.


  4. I am soooo sorry to hear about the illness you two are fighting together. I wish I knew what to say. I would feel just like you do if I were in your situation. I will continue to keep you two in my prayers.


  5. What a warrior you have been and continue to be for your brother. May the Great Spirit who gives you inner strength also bring you peace and comfort in the midst of the darkness that surrounds you. I am so very sorry.


  6. Terry, it has been a long road for you and Al. I remember when you were thinking Al would not make it to Christmas. It must be so hard for the two of you, and yet there are no answers. I admire your strength and love for your brother. You are both very special people.


    • Thank you so much Kathy. I wish I knew why he was hanging on, but I do pray for his release daily. I can’t bear to watch what the affects of clinging to life does for him. Hugs


  7. Good morning Terry,
    I read almost of your postings about Al, but I don’t always post a comment. But this morning I have something that I would like to share with you from my own life.
    Sometimes our loved ones hold on because they think we need them. They aren’t afraid to go, but are afraid that we will be helpless and not know what to do with ourselves. I know Al knows that you love him, but have you told Al that you love him? Have you told him that you are going to be okay when he leaves and that it is alright for him to go home. That you will meet him there. If not, tell him, you’re okay. Let him hear the words of affirmation from your mouth. Let him know that he can go peacefully because you are going to be alright. I’ve had to happen to me with my mother. After I told her I loved her two or three times, I released her. It was that night that she went home with a smile on her face. She was waiting on me to say, I’d be okay without her.
    I will continue to pray for you and for Al’s homegoing.



    • I have told him Patricia, but I always get the feeling he doesn’t believe me. I am so happy for you that your mother left with a smile on her face. What a wonderful way to go. Thank you for talking with me, it helps me more than you know


      • Terry,
        I am standing with you in prayer starting right now that Al accepts your words of love and finds his peace in leaving you and goes home to be with God. That God will give Al the assurance that you will not be alone and that Al can let go. Please let me know what happens.

        Take care and I send you a big hug across the Atlantic Ocean from Germany.


      • Thank you. I am so appreciative of your prayer. I will let you know. When my ex and I were married I lived in Germany for one year. In Stuttgart


  8. It’s times like these that God’s grace kicks in – when we feel helpless. I thought I knew His grace until we went through the loss of our daughter – that is when I felt and saw His grace to carry us. May the Grace of God fall upon you, Terry and Al, and all around you.
    cate b


  9. maybe that is the whole point, we have very little control over most things in life. any control we do have is an illusion to make us feel more powerful than we really are. once we accept this we can do things like let go of life and let nature take it’s course. i am so sorry for all your pain and anguish. may you find peace of heart.


  10. I wish I could do something .. for you. I feel so hopeless … you know where I’m if you want to talk .. to have a good cry … or a laughter. Just press that Skype button.


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