All I Can Do is Love Him and Cry Inside

How do you deal with something that is out of your hands? How do you make decisions when there are no options to choose? Which way do you turn when you see no doors open?

For a few days now Al has had his illness seeping out onto his face. We have dealt already with the illness seeping in his feet and his catheter area, but now no one knows how to fix the problem.

Al continues to fight high temperatures that continue to rise and without the help of Tylenol prescription strength, liquid, he would already had a seizure and maybe have been brain-dead or worse.

Now we are dealing with this stupid illness that has come out of his ear and trying to escape through the other ear. Hospice has been here a few times to try to conquer this issue, but nothing they prescribe helps.

No one can get inside the ear and bring MSA out. His ear is swollen, red and bleeding. Worse yet, it is the ear that is on the side of his head that is locked into a non-moving position.  I have never felt so darn helpless as I do now, doing everything in my power and yet doing nothing  at all that helps.

I need a super human power. I need a miracle. I need Al to be released from this terrible pain. I see no sense to this madness. I can not find any explanation as to why Al is not being taken home. I am exhausted, Al is restless and in pain. The illness is having its way with him and all I can do, is love him and inside cry my heart out.