How Do I Get Through The Lonely Day


I thought my family was coming today so I made no other plans; but to my mistake I missed the phone call so I began to clean up the mess from painting. It is amazing how you are staying in one room painting. Rearranging furniture, wall photos and miscellaneous and yet the entire house becomes a disaster.

So with three rooms painted you can imagine what my home looks like now. Al would be upset with me right now. I keep walking in and out of there trying to make the room the way he would like it. He would be trying to listen to Bonanza on the TV and he would say something but then try his best to ignore me.

While putting a way things where they belong I run across other items that go in another spot. I had to find my automobile policy showing I was now covered for the next year. While going through the desk I found many papers on Al.

The tears started rolling down my cheeks. I placed them in an Al pile and will file all at a later time. I had a three-tier, plastic storage cart from which I had used in Al’s room. It held all types of bandages, medicines and such.

I cried like a big baby while sorting out what needed to be discarded. I brought the unit out and placed it in my bathroom. Out of the cupboard I pulled out another container that had medicines. I cried once again disposing of outdated ointments etc.

There was a couple of pairs of finger nail clippers and some files that the caregiver and I used for Al. On one of the pairs of clippers was the smallest of nail remaining. Of course after noticing it I lost it.

I sat down on the bathroom floor and bawled my eyes out. I miss Al so bad today. I don’t think I am ready to deal with anymore than just the painting of his room yet. Especially not today when I am all alone.

The first warm day we have  had and I have no doubt if Al was here we would be going antiquing for sure. Al I miss you so much today. I hope you are seeing plenty of vintage cars and coca cola in heaven. When is this broken heart going to mend? It feels like never.

 

If anyone still wishes to help by donating to the nursing home fund, here is the link.

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/k1d4/unexpected-2-expenses-from-my-brother-s-death

robin

57 thoughts on “How Do I Get Through The Lonely Day

      • Terry – grieving is not a weakness. Missing Al is NOT a weakness. God our Father sacrificed His son. He is a God who understands the pain. Now Al is free. It’s OK to hurt. You ARE STRONG. it’s been 9 years since we lost our daughter and the waves come. I’ll always hurt and miss her but I know I’ll see her again. Cry all you want. So many of us are with you.

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  1. It is going to be difficult for you Terry. He is your brother. He is always with you. Everything will remind you of him. You will have more difficult days at the moment. Listen to me though Terry. I know the stages of grief. You are not to blame. Okay? A;ways remember the good days with him. The days in the car shows and the model shops. The days that I said to remember. Remember those days 🙂

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    • Oh how I wish I could hug you. The tears run even as I read your comment. I try so hard to remain strong but today I am weak. It makes me smile though when I think how much he loved his cars, car shows and his coca cola

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      • You will have those days forever, Terry. The pain will never go, the hole will just get a little less ragged around the edges.

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    • Thanks Stephanie. I have tried so hard to hold it in. Kept so busy I couldn’t think. Dropped in to bed so exhausted, but the first quiet moment, I fall apart. It makes me feel like I am weak and not thankful Al is out of his pain

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      • You’re not weak, you’re human. Of course you’re glad he’s not in pain anymore, but you still miss him. There is no shame here. No blame. Nothing to feel bad about. It’s okay to be okay with the fact that you need to grieve. Please don’t shame yourself, okay? 😦 Let yourself feel this grief and cry and talk and sit in silence and cry some more…however you need to get through it. But no more shaming.

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  2. Terry, if Al could speak to you from heaven, I think he would say, “Hey, Sis! Don’t worry about how I would feel. You should see it here! It’s amazing, and I don’t even think about how I’d want my room down there. I wish you could be here with me for a little while to see how happy I am. I know you’re going to need to cry, and I’m sorry for that. I want you to know how much I love you, and how thankful I am for all you did for me. You’ll get better after a while.”

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    • Thanks so much my friend. I needed to read your words. They comfort me. I guess today is not one of my better days. Hopefully tomorrow will be different. Thanks again. If I helped you in any way I am thankful

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  3. Being a caregiver and loving Al as you did took up all of your thought, emotion and physical time.
    I was told that when we care caregiver of four loved ones when they are gone it is like we have also lost ourselves.
    I do not remember who i was before hubby got sick, but I have photos to remind me of who he and I both were.
    The one you are caring for is not the only one who changes, and when they are gone I am told we do not recognize ourselves any more.
    The one part of me I am still hanging onto is my photography and I know when hubby is gone, I will need that part of me to figure out who I am .
    This takes time and do not push yourself.
    Hugs.

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    • You make so much sense. If I am not trying to find something to do here at home, I am lost. I have no idea who I am and how I fit in. I know that I love to write and am going to continue writing my brother’s book. I know I love using my camera too. Other than that I have no idea what I am about

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  4. I am encouraged that you have the strength to do things! It’s a good sign…no matter how difficult the illness was, the grief goes on. You have been a champ – and will continue to be.

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    • Thanks for the boost Sheila. Today I was a wimpy, teary mess. Hope tomorrow is better. I am just trying to stay busy, but not putting things a way like you are!! LOL

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  5. He is with you. Sitting on the floor when you cry, he holds you and hopes to make it easier. Crying is the way that we release all those feelings that seem to churn inside. Buy lots of good Kleenex and just let yourself feel it. Remember, though the room may feel empty you are never alone. All of us who have ever grieved the loss of a loved one are there to feel it with you and promise it does get easier.

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    • I love your comment because today I have felt alone and lonely. Teary eyes and torn heart. I am so thankful for your words of comfort. I needed to read your comment. Hugs my friend

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      • I was scrolling through my blog notifications and saw this. Here’s hoping that you are feeling less alone and torn with each day that passes. May you find joy and light in your memories and the opportunity to smile at least once each day. Sending love and light from here.

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      • Each month is getting a bit easier. Thank-you for your kind comment. I am moving out of this house with the sad memories and visions of the sick brother I took care of. I am hoping that this move will help me heal a little better but the good memories shall never fade. Hugs

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  6. Big hug Terry. I don’t know you except for this post and your about. I came here after reading your comment to Al who is after a date. I know where you are at as I was a caregiver 24/7 for two years to a woman who I was companion to for 20 years. I watched her, heard her last gasps when she finally left me. Suddenly, I was released from being on automatic for months which made my hands vibrate. I now have a new life after 2 years of moving, apartment renovations and living on my own. I am also looking for a woman to share my life here in Spain and have just posted such a request. Time for me to really enhance my new life. Cry, dear one, although it may seem a disaster to you, it is in fact the beginning of a new phase of your life. My email is always open, as is my heart and home. Ralph xox ❤

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    • Bless you and thank you Ralph. You are right, my home seems empty. The time that was so consumed with Al is now open. I don’t know what to do with myself and I have lost some of who I used to be

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      • Hi Terry 😀 It may seem that you have lost your sparkle, but it’s there waiting for the right moment to show itself again. And it will !! 😀

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  7. Hi Terry,

    I feel your pain. It’s only been fourteen months since I lost my mother, and I miss her like crazy. Don’t try to rush through your grief. The crying, though it seems like it will never end sometimes, is actually very good for you, for they help to cleanse your body from the pain. Your tears are important too. They’re so important that God collects each of your tears, and keeps them in a bottle, and He keeps a written record of them…

    “You keep track of all my sorrows.
    You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8 – NLT)

    My friend, it is through the shedding of your tears, and your prayers to God that will eventually mend your broken heart. And don’t think that you’re alone in your grief, for there are many of us who grieve the loss of someone we love, and that helps us to understand your pain, and because I understand your grief, I know how to pray to the God of all comfort, asking Him to comfort you as you mourn the loss of your beloved brother.

    And do you know what gives me great comfort, as I grieve the loss of my mama? I know that when I pray to Almighty God, He understands my pain, because He, too, has known what it is to lose a loved one – and not just any loved one! He lost His one and only Son to death. Can you imagine the pain and anguish He must have felt, as His Son was wrongly arrested, unjustly tried and found guilty, and then beaten to a bloody pulp? Can you imagine how it must have grieved Him to watch and do nothing, as His Son suffered and died on that horrible cross? Even knowing that He would raise Jesus from the dead three days later, didn’t make the pain any less for Him, just as knowing that Al is in heaven right now, in his right mind, and a healthy, immortal body, doesn’t erase the pain of your loss completely. God, our Father, understands your pain, and if you ask Him to, He will comfort you like no one else could ever do.

    God bless you as you mourn the loss of your brother, Terry. I will continue to lift you up in prayer, each time that I think of you, and I pray that my beloved heavenly Father will comfort you as only He can, in Jesus’ name.

    Love always,
    Cheryl

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  8. Hugs Terry! You are not alone…and crying is ok 🙂 As the song goes, ‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops. What if Your healing comes through tears.’ God is right there with you and so are a whole bunch of us who care about you a lot. Sorry it was a tough day. Hope your Sunday is great!

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  9. Terry you need to give yourself a break and probably tackle some thigns later. Al is still with you on your heart and will never leave you from there. He now is watching over you as he is whole up there now and doesn’t suffer. Hugs xxx

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