It’s a Start


I felt sick. I thought I was going to vomit. I felt panicky.cats

Ever since Al passed away a volunteer that used to bring Al baby food or sherbet has remained when Hospice left. This lady named Sue is amazing.

She knows everyone and everyone loves her. She has nudged, called and begged me to go places with her.cell phone

I have fought it each time I get the invitation. You have to understand that my life revolved around Al. There was no outside life. Everything I did was on the inside of these four walls. Sort of like living in a cardboard box full of sadness.box

Even today a month after he has left this world, I head for my bedroom. It is the farthest away from Al’s room. I feel secure and hidden apart from the hustle and bustle of the outside world.

I didn’t even realize that I had been turning into a hermit, so to speak. The comfort zone in my room was all mine. I share it with no one. But, because I like Sue, I give in and accept her invitations. This is where the jitters come in and the sick stomach. I think it is called panic attacks.chains

I become chained to these four walls and it takes some heavy-duty prodding to get me out of here. Even going to the grocery store is not appealing to me. I get in and I get out and get back home.

Thankfully, I recognize that this is not normal for me. I used to be a get up and go gal, so I realize I need to change, but wow, is it ever hard. Have any of you ever been in these types of situations?

Panic attacks, are something else. I had them several years ago and somehow fought through them and don’t want them to take permanent residence within my body again. Heart beating fast, tingling of hands, sweating, a feeling of dying. Totally stressed to the max.

I started getting them about three months before Al passed. They are caused from exhaustion and stress. The body gets weak and tries to run on over-drive. Panic attacks for me canย  pop up when ever I am the most vulnerable, meaning tired and lack of a good night’s sleep.

I have dealt with these and then for a while after Al passed they left. Since last Saturday happened when I realized I was really never going to see Al again until I got to heaven I have had minor panic attacks again. I am fighting them with all my might. I don’t want them to run and ruin my life ever again.

So tonight, of course I accepted that invitation again. I was sick and nervous. I got inside the building and all I could think about is getting out of there as fast as my fat little legs would go.

But, I stayed. I forced myself to take a half of a little white pill the doctor prescribed to me for instances like this. I went to my doctor this week. He said he had no doubt I would become addicted because he and anyone else that knows me understands I HATE TO TAKE MEDICINE.

After about a half an hour I started to calm down. The tingling left, my heart slowed down. I started to talk and I know here and there I smiled. I even danced one time. And on top of that I was introduced to a great-looking guy and we chatted for a while.

Inside I amย  hoping we get to chat again. He has dark hair like Elvis Presley and he sounds like Elvis too. We have some things in common. If God wants anything to come together between this nice guy and me, he will make it happen.elvis presley

So a little chatting, a few smiles, sharing girl talk and dancing, I was glad I went. Tomorrow I have been invited to a fish fry. I accepted that invitation also.kicking

25 thoughts on “It’s a Start

  1. Terry, I’m going to offer you an exercise I teach my clients who struggle with severe anxiety and panic attacks. You’ll need to lie down comfortably on your back, legs straight and feet relaxed so your toes are NOT pointing up at the ceiling. Arms should be by your sides, palms up. Turn your head slightly to one side, and allow your tongue to lie gently between your teeth (this is just for focus). Now listen/feel for your heartbeat. When you have it, breathe nice and deep, in through your nose, out slowly through your mouth, while you visualize your heart being filled up with the breaths. Imagine warm sunshine going in with the breathing, and continue to do this until you feel completely relaxed. Don’t curl your fingers, just let them stay loose and relaxed.

    You can do this sitting up if you’re in a place where you’re beginning to feel uncomfortable. At home, do it as often as you can–several time in an hour isn’t too much when you’re first learning. What is it? It’s the complete opposite of the fight/flight adrenaline reaction you’ve been experiencing for months now. In that reaction, the shoulders tense, arms tend to cross the body, hands double into fist, toes curl, stomach clenches, breathing gets fast and shallow, teeth clench. Doing the breathing exercise teaches your body a much better way to respond to adrenaline.

    And if you have trouble focusing on your heartbeat, think of something relaxing instead. A Bible verse I love is Psalm 119:165. “Great peace have they which love Thy law; and nothing shall offend them.”

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  2. Please put it on tape , when he begins to sing, Terry,….hopefully he sounds like Elvis too..now, let’s rock ๐Ÿ™‚ Don’t forget to spare me some fish ๐Ÿ˜‰ Pawkiss from me and Big gentle HUG from Granny ๐Ÿ™‚

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  3. Terry that is the best way. Go and take the invitations and enjoy a social life. Don’t panic, enjoy and go with the flow, nothing will happen but good things for you! God is watching over you and so is Al. He will be happy you get out a bit. You have your life to live now and go girl go! This is Dr. Ute’s advice! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  4. I almost ended up in the hospital with a very bad panic attack after Tom died, I never had them before so did not know I was having them on a daily basis, like you no matter where I went they started, staying home was a comfort to me because I felt surrounded by Tom. I almost requested more time off, then my dr prescribed me medication too, the anxiety pills I have not taken in over 6 months but like he said they got me over the hump. I am glad to hear you are already taking them and they will get through the difficult days and help you become a gal on the go again. Today my life, although still full of pain and grief, is full of positive activities and warm loving memories of Tom. I am still taking days one day at a time – now remember your journey through this grief is yours no one elses, do what feels right for you and tear down those cardboard walls one strip at a time, soon you will be completely free.It is good to have a loving friend hep you tear them down too!!

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    • I hate these panic attacks. They are just caused from nothing but my own insecurities. To know that you went through them doesn’t make me happy, but does bring a sense of comfort, as now I realize that when tragedy stops at our door, the body can react in a negative way. I carry the little white pill and try not to use it, but if I can’t fight the feelings, than I take half a dose. It seems such a long process, this healing. I have some days where I get through pretty good, but there are other days I can’t seem to walk one step. I fear friends and family will start to wonder why it is taking me so long to get back on track. After all it wasn’t my spouse, only a brother. I can’t seem to hurry anything up nor do I try to slow the process down. I hope for a good day and then deal with what I am given. Hugs Patty and thank you so much for sharing with me, your story

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      • Bless your heart – there is no such thing as “only” a brother or “only” a friend or whatever . You and Al had a special relationship and you cared for him for a long time. Remember each person is different in their grief and it is personal for each of us.Take one day at a time dear friend and go with your instincts and lean on your good friends. Take all the time you need – after all a piece of your heart was broken off. If you need to talk I am here. Hugs!

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