I Am Frightened and Confused


I am worried. I had different things to worry about when Al was here. Now priorities have changed. I have to go to work. I can only work part-time if I want to keep my small disability check. I can work 20 to 25 hours per week.

I didn’t give it too much thought. I have always been a caregiver, so I guess I will remain one; but the phone doesn’t ring from my placed ad. I applied at a place my brother was affiliated with for years yesterday and got an interview this afternoon.

Part of me was excited. The other part of me just wants to get the hell out of dodge, so to speak. I really don’t want to go back into care giving. Taking care of my dad and then Al has about finished me up. Another issue is I am not positive I am ready to go to work emotionally, but a girl  has to eat right?

I went to the interview. It seemed to go fine until I had to explain that I didn’t want to work late evenings nor could I work forty hours. It went down hill from there. I told the lady I was more interested in days. I explained with my Diabetes I do not do well on third shift. It messes with my numbers too much, plus I know that with my age I don’t do well not getting my sleep. She pretty much told me she would keep it on file.

A part of me was fine with this. I hate to say it, let alone admit it on paper, but I don’t want to work with disabled clients anymore. I would love to have a job where there are people I can talk to and I don’t want to see sickness and death for a long time. But what’s a girl gonna do? To help spread awareness for MSA or to help an ill person, I can do this. To work daily with mental challenges, I am tired. Al was a challenge and I just don’t know if I really want to do it again.

I keep telling myself, Terry, at the age of 60 you should have done better in your life. You have no mate to help you out. You don’t have a bank account to squeal about. Girl, you are on your own and you better take what you can.

But I can’t see good enough in the dark to drive. This is why I told the lady I couldn’t do evenings. It wouldn’t look good to go to work and then not be able to drive home because of darkness.

There are times I feel like I have so much to offer to the world. 23 years of medical training. 7 years experience with MSA. A published book and a second one in writing. Yet here I sit, unemployed, not having the foggiest idea where I fit in.

I pay my bills when they arrive, but I want to eat and be able to enjoy some type of social life sometimes. Maybe I am just asking too much. After all, who wants a disabled, 60-year-old gal, when there are so many young people out there fresh out of high-school or college.

I can’t use my hands for a long period of time, and I can’t walk much due to Neuropathy in my feet. I am scared my friends. I must be good at something. I should have something to offer at my age. I am so confused.

On the way home on one side of the town was clouds and on the opposite side of town was sun. I snapped a photo of each side coming home. When I looked at them both as I placed them on here the two reminded me of me. Two different sides, a little dull, a little bright. Someone who doesn’t know which way to go or what door to walk in where the person on the other side will say, Yes, you are hired.

clouds 2clouds

34 thoughts on “I Am Frightened and Confused

  1. I’ll bet it will help having so many friends out here. All I can suggest is to stick to your requirements (i.e. limited hours, daytime, no or limited care taking) be ready for major changes, keep looking, and enjoy the suggestions I’m sure you will get from your blogger friends. Take your time. You are still not quite ready, but you can explore. Would it help to look at your finances and set a deadline by which you must have a job? In the meantime look calmly and allow yourself a respite. Or is the need too urgent to do that?

    If you were to stay in the care taking field, perhaps there is a working couple who would like you to stay with their healthy parent who needs companionship.It might even be better if the parent had diabetes, ’cause you’d be comfortable with monitoring that.

    I’m sure all your contacts will give you an answer. If not sooner, then later.

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    • I am not going to be without tomorrow, but I can’t wait too long. I will be open minded and thank you so much for your support Mona. I am just scared I won’t find anything

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  2. I hope that you get your perfect job, Terry. I know going back into the workforce is not easy and it is very daunting. Take it slowly and let them know that you have been looking after your brother so it will take you a little while to get back into work again

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  3. As a recruiter I can say there are definitely opportunities! You just need to register with more and apply to jobs directly. Focus on what you have to offer and positives rather than health ailments as this makes it harder to ‘sell’ you so to speak. I can look at your resume too if you like, 🙂

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      • God knows what we need as well as what we want. He knows what is best for us and waits for us to be ready to accept it. I thought my lot in life was to move up the educational system ladder: I have a doctorate in education, have worked in higher ed for 13 years, have had people tell me that I should be this or that, but where am I? Not working for anyone! I am on an entrepreneurial journey and it is becoming the greatest adventure of my life. Not a bit of security, which I think was my destiny so I would stop depending on that job or that school but look to the One from whom my help comes.

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  4. I see nothing wrong with being upfront with what works for you. I’ve never been one to play the interview game. I personally think – in the long-run – it doesn’t do much good. Just be you. I hope that you find something that will work for you & fit your personality soon. Hang in there.
    {Hugs}

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  5. Terry- you are never alone even in struggles that seem so insurmountable . I just wrote a blog titled “My name is Isabel…I have disease In which I relate to your struggles. One thing to look into for work is the online platform Odesk. If you have admin skills, you wouldn’t even have to leave home.

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  6. I do hope you find a job which suits you. Don’t worry , something will come up, God provides and we pray. A little rest will do good too. Just keep your eyes and ears open and an opportunity will knock. You are in my prayers!

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  7. Something will come your way, and you may need to branch out and try something new. Good luck on finding something. Maybe not THE thing, but something. It will help you broaden your horizons.

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  8. Here are a couple of things you could try. You could sign up to be a part time care giver maybe for individuals that don’t have MSA. There are young people who are handicapped that need care givers in their home too, who would only work 20-25 hours a week. (at least here in Oregon)…….it’s a thought. Or maybe you could be someone’s helper by taking them to and from dr.’s appointments.
    We also have people who tutor kids who are challenged that only work that long too. I guess it all depends on what you want to do!
    Whatever you decide is up to you and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

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  9. Have you ever given thought to become a spokesperson for MSA? You write so eloquently and have gone through so much with your dad and brother. Give yourself some time to grieve and heal. You asked “what will God do for me?” God has already done it all for you, H
    e knows your future and what it holds, just relax and trust that he is in control of it.

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  10. Great cloud photos.
    Have you thought about calling Drs offices and other places that serve folks who need a bi tot help and letting them know you are available.
    Also Sr centers to let them know you are available for part time work.
    My friend works part time cleaning alts in the sr manors and she got that job through dropping off an ad at the sr center.
    Sending prayers and good vibes.

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