I have refused to be on my blog today.
I was fine this morning but I turned on myself this afternoon. I went outside and tore open my shed door and rearranged everything in there to try to mend my mind.
It helped for a while but then the nasty part of me returned. I wanted to cry.
I wanted to see my brother.
I felt all screwed up, feelings going this way and that way.
I have hated myself and cut me down to the size of nothing. I have worked hard to see the beauty of the day today by taking a couple of photos.
I want to fly away.
Today, is the worst day I have had. I want to, I want to, oh I don’t know what I want. I just want Al to be here tomorrow to be with me for Mother’s Day. I am tired of hurting. I want to turn the clock back.
I want to turn the dark flower to a pink and beautiful rose, like my life once was.
Who I am 
This is called healing and hugs.
This is Ruth, digital granny, and my blog locked up on me so I started a new one.
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Hi Ruth,Granny. I don’ t feel the healing today but I am going to take your word lol
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I know you are probably tired of hearing this but it takes time.
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I am not tired of hearing it. It helps reinforce tomorrow will be better than today
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Big Hug.
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Hi Angel
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It’s a natural part of the grieving process. When it is a special day, then it is worse. The memory of the days you spent together. The times of joy. Remember those. days. Pick on those when you are feeling as you are today. The memories are your best friend. I know that’s not easy to hear, but eventually, when you heal, you will be able. Until then … {{{HUGS}}}
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I need to get this in my thick head, don’t I? I m sorry, it seems like it is taking me so long to get through this. I am really trying and I will keep your supportive words in my head, promise
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It isn’t taking you too long. It will take as long as it takes. Everybody is different in how grief is dealt with. You can’t put a time frame on how long it will take. I know someone who has taken years and it is still very raw for them. So don’t worry.
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I really trust your word so tell me..aren’t u getting tired of reading about my feelings when there is so much in the world to talk about?
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The first holidays are tough. I won’t say the pain goes away, it just slowly becomes more manageable over time. It is good that you are getting outside, being with nature is healing.
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Thank you Joy, I spent most of my time outdoors today also, since some of my family was here. Hugs
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It will get better Terry, it will and you know you cannot turn the clock back. You need to accept it as hard as it is. I send you many many healing hugs, and trust God has more in store for you! He is already looking after Al, he is in safe hands!
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Well I want to be where my family is most days, but thankfully there was enough family here at my home today, it helped. If only I could see my kids more often, it does wonders for my soul
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One of those days you just have to live through. I love that photo of Al btw. Hugs Terry xxx
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Hi Julie, I always hope for the tomorrows. Thanks for your comment
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There are so many ups & downs in grieving. Sorry that you had an off day yesterday. I love that you tried to keep busy & that you went out in an attempt to see the beauty in nature. Keep the faith & stay strong. And – if you have an off day – that’s ok (as in – that’s a natural part of healing.
BTW – Great photo of AL. Do you have that one framed?
{Hugs}
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No I don’t have that framed. Also thanks for being patient with me
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Yes, It takes time. But please don’t add to your hurt by scolding yourself for feeling it. We can’t control the grief process, but we can control how we accept or reject it.
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I already feel awful. I just get the feeling I am boring all to death. Yes, Al is gone, Yes, I am hurting and yes all I do is write about him. On the other hand I feel awful because I am not writing
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My point was, stop kicking yourself for experiencing normal emotion and keep on doing what you were meant to do — write. To tell the truth, your blog is one of the few I actually read each time it comes up.
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I listened to you, and your comment made me feel glad I did listen. Thank you for your honesty and caring attitude
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Every day I want to turn back the clock – I often thing would things have been different if I was with Tom – and how life would have been if we had known how ill my dad really was. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing eternity waits for us…for that I guess I would want to turn the clock ahead for our Lords glorious coming. Each day will heal a small part of your heart and one day your heart will mend and instead of emptiness you heart will be filled again with love from all your memories.
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But what about all the posts I write continually about Al? I write to heal but I end up boring my readers to death
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You do not bore us – writing will not only bring healing to you but to someone else who may going through the same thing. It is a source of strength knowing we are not alone. God bless you ~
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I always knew you were special Patty. Understanding is one of your strengths! Hugs
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Terry, I’m always catching up. Just read this today, and I think you should go back and read it again. It may help you realize that you ARE making progress.
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I did, but not until recently do I actually see the progress. hugs!
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It’s still only a little over three months. I think you’re doing great!
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Thank you
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