The Woman In The Reflection


me may 2014I went to watch a band sing tonight with some friends. I was trying real hard to have fun and at times I was. I had been struggling a little today. My best friend’s dog was laid to rest and I was able to talk to  her a few minutes.

Hearing her cry and recognizing my own emotions from Al started a little bit of that emotional roller coaster ride which always goes down and never back up until  it passes.

I had a friend take this photo of me tonight so you could see a better me. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and a few ladies were out there too. They were talking about car shows and I instantly started to feel my heart bump up the beat.

My hands got cold and my legs felt numb or tingly. I thought surely this is my sugar dropping, so I excused myself and came home. For my supper tonight I had a big salad so it wouldn’t have surprised me to see my sugars on the low side.

Once home AJ was so excited to see me. What a loving companion I have. He is always full of joy and love. He never puts me down, usually he lifts me up. After taking him out to do his business I checked my blood pressure first. It was within normal range. I checked my sugar level and it was fine.

I was in the middle of having a mild panic attack. How could I have slipped into this so easy? I hadn’t  had one for a couple of weeks. I knew that was what it was when the other checks came out fine.

I did some deep breathing and it helped some. My shoulders are tense and my fingers are still cold, but I am safe at home behind closed doors. How could learning of a dog’s death and hearing about car shows set me off so smoothly. I was a little embarrassed by having to leave the dance early but I knew if I stayed and tried to pretend I was alright I would actually get worse.

I looked at the photo I had taken of me at the dance and I just sat and stared at it. Who is that? Is that me? I don’t recognize that face. How could I be having a panic attack and yet smile for the camera.

I miss Al so bad, in fact I miss my entire family; but I am no different from anyone else who has lost a loved one. I think I am doing better but I still have my rough days and I now assume that certain words can set me off.

I still can’t watch Pawn Stars or Bonanza. In fact I can’t even put the TV on the station Al always requested. Silly little things that mean nothing to anyone but can cause the tears to drip for me.

I had the oddest thing happen to me this afternoon. Me and AJ were laying on my bed. I was drifting off but not yet asleep as AJ couldn’t settle too quick.  He had to sniff everything out.

I closed my eyes waiting for him to calm down and I saw a video going on in my head. Not a clear one, sort of foggy but yet I could make out certain things. I saw a table and there were many people sitting around it. Every once in a while I saw a familiar face. It was Al’s and he was smiling big and chattering away like he used to do here. They were passing food and getting ready to eat. AJ finally came to lay down and nap and so did I, but I kept thinking about the video as I drifted off.

I have had a lot of stuff happen in the past eight years. I look at myself in this photo and I can see some wear and tear lines around my eyes. Wrinkles from stress and drained eyes. Make-up does wonder I have to admit.

This moment and evening shall pass. A new day begins tomorrow when I rise up from my bed. The sun is to be out and the temps back in the sixties. It is a chance for me to start again one more time.

30 thoughts on “The Woman In The Reflection

  1. Every day astart afresh adn it has new opportunities and challenges. May I say you look lovely on that picture. Great you went out even if it was only for a while. Take care and start each day as new!

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    • I think that is what I have to do. I had done better for a while so was surprised at myself when I went backwards, but today is a new day. Big hugs to you my friend

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  2. A year later and I am still taking each day one step at a time. I still cannot watch some things Tom and I watched together yet other things I watch bring comfort and smiles and I feel as if he is watching them with me. One thing I found that has helped me – when I was ready, was to find things to do that were out of my normal routine…this spring I have started to dig up the front of my yard to plant shrubs and that has been one of the best therapies. There were a few others to slowly allow me to start over, although I still have a ways to go, because I am not ready yet to start over alone. The important thing is you do things in your timing, finding what helps you get through this. There will be many days of going backwards but that is ok, as you said, today is a new day, so is tomorrow. Soon you will find yourself going forward more and more. Going out with your friends was a giant step forward. God continue to bless you.

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    • Thanks Patty. I was so surprised when I went a step backwards. I guess I thought I had some good days, now that part was past, but I can see it is not. This is very difficult isn’t it? Trying to move on without carrying the void

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  3. I think you’re brilliant Terry. Seriously. When we loose a loved one – be it a person or an animal, they are a part of us, so in losing them it feels like losing something , ‘a part of us’ from us. From our heart. From our soul. There is no exact way of recovering from that loss, there is only ‘your’ way.

    I lost my mother a while ago, quite unexpectedly, and I still haven’t got over it, but the blinding, screaming, anguish slowly, a little bit day by day, began to release me from it’s crippling grip and it’s become something more easy to cope with. I still have my days, my moments, but I have come to realise that this is how life, passing over, and the ‘dealing with’ the passing from the living point of view is meant to be.

    You’re doing great. It might not feel like it, but you are. You’re now doing somethings which you wouldn’t have been able to do previously. Give yourself a great big mental round of applause and next time you look in the mirror actually remind yourself (out loud) that you’re doing great.

    Sending you hugs and lots of that squishy stuff. ~ Cobs. x

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    • Thank you so much for the heart felt comment. It makes me feel good that you think I am doing alright. It is a slow progress but I have made some positive steps. Big hugs my friend

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      • I hope my comments, and everyone else’s do pick you up. You are going through a hard time and you are really doing just fine, but it is hard to see from the inside.

        You deserve some good times now. You did so much for Al, now it is your time.

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    • Two very good points. The hardest thing I am dealing with is who I am anymore and where do I fit in? There is a big part of me who doesn’t want to go back into care giving, especially for the disabled

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      • HI Terry, I have started other blogs in the past that were based on inspiration and my faith. I caved in with each of them because I got discouraged and there was not anyone to tell me that I could do it and to keep going. Being a blogger has it’s moments. We can share from our very depths of our souls and then be misunderstood. We all come from different lifestyles and experiences and and I think the best we can do with each other is to encourage, lift up and offer hope and plant that in each heart. Life is all about learning and growing and providing a shoulder to lean on. So I am here for you and I may not always express myself correctly but I most certainly do care. Hugs and love…

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      • And this is why I love having you for a friend. Honesty, compassion and understanding rank high on my list of priorities and you fit!!!! Big hugs

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