Here I Stand


For the first time since I have been writing my brain is numb. I have no ideas. I feel like I have nothing to say. I have learned that I have a bigger audience reading my blog and feel a little like a rubber band has been placed around my head. Thoughts I used to place down on white background I now stop and consider if it may be taken wrong or should I write about it at all.

I imagine you at one point have had comments from maybe friends or family about something you wrote. My thoughts are taken from my own being. Many times what I write are my views only. It has been hard realizing that some things I write may be taken out of context or viewed in a different light.

One of the best things I have always enjoyed about my own writing is it is original. I didn’t copy or hear someone say something and build that one comment into a large, top headline news article.

I have been contemplating on moving. I have been stressing about my car which drives like crap on the winter roads. I am still dealing with the loss of my brother. I have days where I am doing pretty good and even have times where I laugh so hard, and then I have times where I feel like I have no reason to exist.

I have days of hope that I will get a job soon, and then other days I look at life as no one even gives a hoot whether I survive or not. I know this is not true. I am aware that I have family who loves me and many online friends and even some new gal pals.

I don’t understand me a lot of days anymore. Where did the constant laughter go? How can I stand in the middle of this big, blue marble and feel so alone? There are thousands of people who really are alone. Living on the streets, under bridges, sleeping on a stranger’s cot at nights, and yet here I feel awkward, like I don’t fit in anymore.

I feel like the little dentist on the Christmas story of misfit toys. I do digging of my heart. I see Jesus carrying his own cross all alone and  I think wow, how blessed I am that the only cross I have to bear is my self-made cross built on fear, worry and senselessness.

I guess I have to admit I have been the biggest guest at my own pity party but don’t know how to stay hidden from the invitation to join. I admire so many but there is one gal named Ute that I have always looked up to.

She is positive about every day. She finds the good in it. She doesn’t whine to her readers. I can see the good but I feel like I am looking through tall trees with full leaves and  so it is easy to shy away and fall back into my own spider web.

I just don’t know what to do anymore and I half-heartedly pray for answers, almost fully believing the prayers will not be answered. I have become someone I am not proud of and I hope like crazy it is just temporary due to the loss of my brother.

I need a shining star to blind me so I will turn my head away from my fears of the unknown. That is so ridiculous to think that way. I don’t need anything. I need to see that I am so lucky to have this chance to live today.

Well I will quit rambling on, I have said enough and yet I have said nothing. I don’t know what I want or need anymore. Half the time I don’t even know who I am. I will rely on the idea that in time this too shall pass.

quote of the daystanding alone

27 thoughts on “Here I Stand

  1. You are wrestling with so much my friend. Take time to breathe, and do this your way. Life is a journey filled with valley times and mountain top times. Sometimes the valleys are long and deep and sometimes the mountains are high and craggy. But when we get to where we’re going we are always stronger for the journey. Hugs!!!

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  2. Your feelings are typical and understandable. It is part of the grieving process. You may find it helpful to locate a group that offers grief counseling. From what I know of your life in the last 10 years (I believe), you lost your parents, moved into the old family home to help your brother thereby putting your life on hold and now that Al is gone, you “feeling” lost and alone. Be patient with yourself, it won’t happen overnight, but you will get to a place of love and acceptance and a warmer climate. The doors will open for you. Your online friends are in your corner praying and encouraging you. You are loved and blessed by God.

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  3. I agree with Nena, you are still grieving and I’m sorry my friend, but it is a long process. But you will get past this stage, give yourself some time and space to work your way through your feelings without shame. You did better than me, when Dad died I didn’t get out of bed for three days despite having a child to look after. No one mentioned it, no one judged. Eventually I just got up and carried on, hour by hour at first then day by day. Be kind to yourself Sweetie, you are doing just great.

    I think Ute is great too.

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  4. Bless you as always for your openness and honesty here, Terry. It’s ok to feel however you want to feel. God loves ya! As for the ‘what to write’ part and being in a larger scope, just remember that you write for – and answer to – an audience of One 🙂 It helped me to remember that with something recently, just thought I would share. Blessings, my friend…

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    • How did you go ahead and do it Brian? I am so centered now on maybe what I write will be taken the wrong way or make someone mad that I am almost afraid to write. I was never that way before. No one on here has ever judged me

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      • It’s not easy for me. For too much of my life I have been a ‘people pleaser’ instead of just being myself. But lately that’s changed, and the more I just live my own life, not worry so much about what others think, the more freedom I get in that. I just realized that not everything I write (or do) will be popular but in the end there is that audience of One that is the only real audience for me. And I know God loves me no matter what, so that has been very comforting and freeing…

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      • This is my biggest negative about myself. I am a people pleaser. Always wanting to prevent hurt feelings or lack of understanding by doing something against my own desire. It keeps me miserable and causes me to wonder if I will live the rest of my days unhappy, afraid to be myself. Thanks for sharing. I am trying very hard to change but along with that change comes words of pain as people don’t understand why all of a sudden I am being mean?

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      • It’s awkward for sure. And don’t think I’ve mastered it at all! Work in progress here 🙂 But every time you stay true to yourself you get a little stronger. God made us to please Him, and He is very pleased with each of us for who He made us to be. Just try to remember that every time I know it helps me. Kudos to you for taking this brave step!

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  5. write what you feel is important for YOU or you think might be beneficial for someone else…YOU will never please all!…
    I stop and examine my thoughts on what I’m writing…but, usually just start writing …and it seems to work itself out!…
    Be good to yourself!

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  6. My dearest Terry, you have a beautiful heart and that comes out in your writing, also that you have a very caring heart. You are sweet for mentioning me. Well my son said the other day what he really likes about me is: Even when I have a crap day at work , I still come home happy and don’t moan about it. I thought that was really lovely because sometimes I do think I moan a little.
    Let me tell you something else. I have been in Germany to visit my mum, staying in our house where I grew up. I was alone in this big house and it felt terrible lonely. Since my dad died I find the house feels empty and cold, even though all the furniture and his folders are still there. I can understand how you feel, and I would move if I had to stay in that house. I did try to cheer up the neighbour too who lost his wife within 3 days last year and cannot get over it.
    Terry, there is always something to be grateful for every day! you are a fantsic lady I admire with lots of strength. I pray for you and you will have some down days, bu tI want you to know that we love you , and we believe in you. You have so much future in front of you, I like you to think of me and smile. When I come and visit we will have to have a good laugh together and a great chat and many hugs.
    Terry you are in my heart and you are wonderful, do believe it!

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    • Although many do not understand, the biggest bucket of cement in my life is my home. I can’t seem to move on when Al is everywhere here. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being my friend. Love and hugs

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      • No worries Terry…
        …Al is in your heart & he will be anywhere that you go.
        Before you move – maybe take pictures of the house & stuff in the house & make a scrapbook to take with you. Start taking photos before you start packing up or showing the place.

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