Here I Stand

For the first time since I have been writing my brain is numb. I have no ideas. I feel like I have nothing to say. I have learned that I have a bigger audience reading my blog and feel a little like a rubber band has been placed around my head. Thoughts I used to place down on white background I now stop and consider if it may be taken wrong or should I write about it at all.

I imagine you at one point have had comments from maybe friends or family about something you wrote. My thoughts are taken from my own being. Many times what I write are my views only. It has been hard realizing that some things I write may be taken out of context or viewed in a different light.

One of the best things I have always enjoyed about my own writing is it is original. I didn’t copy or hear someone say something and build that one comment into a large, top headline news article.

I have been contemplating on moving. I have been stressing about my car which drives like crap on the winter roads. I am still dealing with the loss of my brother. I have days where I am doing pretty good and even have times where I laugh so hard, and then I have times where I feel like I have no reason to exist.

I have days of hope that I will get a job soon, and then other days I look at life as no one even gives a hoot whether I survive or not. I know this is not true. I am aware that I have family who loves me and many online friends and even some new gal pals.

I don’t understand me a lot of days anymore. Where did the constant laughter go? How can I stand in the middle of this big, blue marble and feel so alone? There are thousands of people who really are alone. Living on the streets, under bridges, sleeping on a stranger’s cot at nights, and yet here I feel awkward, like I don’t fit in anymore.

I feel like the little dentist on the Christmas story of misfit toys. I do digging of my heart. I see Jesus carrying his own cross all alone and  I think wow, how blessed I am that the only cross I have to bear is my self-made cross built on fear, worry and senselessness.

I guess I have to admit I have been the biggest guest at my own pity party but don’t know how to stay hidden from the invitation to join. I admire so many but there is one gal named Ute that I have always looked up to.

She is positive about every day. She finds the good in it. She doesn’t whine to her readers. I can see the good but I feel like I am looking through tall trees with full leaves and  so it is easy to shy away and fall back into my own spider web.

I just don’t know what to do anymore and I half-heartedly pray for answers, almost fully believing the prayers will not be answered. I have become someone I am not proud of and I hope like crazy it is just temporary due to the loss of my brother.

I need a shining star to blind me so I will turn my head away from my fears of the unknown. That is so ridiculous to think that way. I don’t need anything. I need to see that I am so lucky to have this chance to live today.

Well I will quit rambling on, I have said enough and yet I have said nothing. I don’t know what I want or need anymore. Half the time I don’t even know who I am. I will rely on the idea that in time this too shall pass.