This is Mourning?

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My doctor says I am mourning still. What exactly does this mean? I seem to be fine when I am involved with my family. If they call or come over I forget all about me and dive into their issues.

If I am with friends I am happy but it doesn’t take long until I feel the blues coming and want to rush home. This is not what I expected from losing my brother. My son who lives the closest to me went away for the weekend.

Within an hour I was at my all time low. Why? I have tried to rationalize this since last night when I crawled into my bed at eight- thirty. I could have been with my friends who tell me they enjoy my company; but instead, here I had run home to hide in my own pool of anger because I can’t seem to move past this.

I have new grandbabies I adore. I have kids who love me. I have food and a place to reside. I can’t find a job. My bills are beginning to worry me. I need a vacation but can’t think of a cheap place to go. Three times last evening I heard, it is your age keeping you from getting employment. So many things I can’t do because of damages from my diabetes.

I am afraid I am leaning to heavy on my kids for what, I don’t know. They are grown, I am grown. If this is mourning than I guess the shoe fits. My doctor says I will move past this. I ask, when?

34 thoughts on “This is Mourning?”

  1. There is still an empty place in your soul where Al resided and filled many hours in your day. I fashion ( I left my semi adult kids with my husband after he forced me out, the first 8 months I was only 10 minutes from them, the last 8 months I am over two hours from them) this feeling as being abandoned. I had to recreate my role in life… and Terri, that is still my mission almost two years later. I totally empathize with you and acknowledge this feeling of displacement and loss is something that seems to be in the background of everything I do. When I first left that situation and left my kids as well, I lost a complete family. W’s parents were my parents, his brothers my brothers…in all I lost my three and his entire family, it will never be the same again. I hope you don’t feel upset for me; I have come a long way in two years. Give yourself time, acknowledge the loss you feel and the displacement of your role as a caretaker. It is time you take care of yourself. Journaling has helped me tremendously. I felt I couldn’t write on WordPress, I really needed to just focus inwardly/ become a hermit in my head. I am taking baby steps to fashion a new life for myself, on my terms. It won’t all happen at once. Give yourself time. Much love to you!

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    • That is what I am doing. Taking baby steps, some days the steps don’t move and then a day will arrive and I take another one. I think how I don’t like myself when I am sad and down. It is like I can’t help myself. I want to be happy but struggle for laughter. I know I have blogged about it before but it helps to get it out in the open. That is healing for me, just in writing and reading your comments. Thanks and big giant hugs

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  2. No one can say when. It’s different for everyone. Typically, though, a person takes between 2-2.5 years to completely recover from such a loss. The grieving (mourning) isn’t the same that whole time. It gradually gets better, with some relapses now and then. Your doctor is right. You are still grieving. Seems to me you and I discussed this once before. It is normal for you to want the pain to go away, but trying to avoid it will only bring you more pain later. Allow the grief, don’t fight it. If time alone is what you need, then take it when you can. No need to apologize. It’s going to be a bumpy ride for a while yet. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

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    • When I read your words I am astounded that it can take so long. Here it has been two months and I thought I should be pretty well healed. Every time I am alone I get sad and cry. I am better with my family here. I guess it just hasn’t been long enough yet. Thank you for telling me what you did

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      • You’re welcome, Terry. I’m glad if what I said has given you some sense of relief. You know, the old Victorians wore mourning black for a full year, then gradually transitioned into grey, lavender, and brighter colors. I think they had the right idea. We seem to feel that once the funeral is over, we need to just soldier on as if nothing had happened.

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  3. Jesus Said, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4).” Pray and expect God to keep His promise 1 day at a time. Remind your soul of this promise. Watch for it, so that you won’t miss it. I expect that It comes in little pieces until God’s comfort and peace has overtaken your mourning. God’s timing can be very puzzling, but at the right time God will give you a job. I encourage you and I pray that you indeed know God’s comfort and favor.

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  4. My dear, you have been through a lot! It takes time, and as others have said, the Lord comforts us for the time we need it. Not everyone’s mourning period is the same. Look at David, and how long he mourned for Saul; look at how long some of the minor prophets mourned for Israel. I have mourned for my dear friend Don for the last five years, more because of my own baggage, but because I loved him and will not have the opportunity this side of Heaven to say so to his face. It’s all a process and you will come out refined as gold! Hugs, my sister!

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    • I don’t know what I would do AR without your words. I hang on to them. I hate it that I believe there is a time frame. I hate it for kicking myself for not being father along. I am better with people around, usually my family, but when I am by myself I slip right back in to the sad feelings and this is what I don’t like about me

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  5. Be patient and don’t rush things, you were so close to your brother and it has not been long. You will always miss him, but you need to realize your life goes on, and you can put yourself first now as you did not do while you were caring for him. Do things you enjoyand be with people. open up as you do on your blog with us, you don’t hide there! Al would want you to go on. Your love for him will always be in your heart and you will never forget him, which is good. Now though think of yourself. Itis easy said, but you will get there, believe in yourself….and be patient! Much love !

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    • I know you are saying to yourself what a broken record I am to her. I just thought by now and after having a few good days that I would not fall backwards. I am sorry. I am trying so hard to move on. The worst thing of all for me is being by myself. I am better when people are around

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      • I think that is the best for you , go out talk to people , meet friends… it would be much better then…I wished I could be there for you, we could do many things together, inexpensive things , like walking together, go on picture hunt etc, have a laugh together! Terry I don’t think you are a broken record, it is hard and we are far away.
        Wished I could do something for you! Hope my hugs are a bit comforting!

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  7. Grief hits us all in different ways and for different lengths of time. Don’t ask how long – because I don’t think you ever really ‘get over’ losing someone. But you do get stronger.

    Imagine your grief as a jigsaw puzzle which someone has dropped on the floor. The pieces are spread out over the carpet and you have to put the jigsaw together – one piece at a time – but with no picture. The jigsaw is made up of as many pieces as there are days before you can say you’re ‘together’ again. Not together with your lost one, but ‘together’ as yourself. Together as in: Got it together again.

    Each day will be one piece of the jigsaw. Somedays you might find that you put two or maybe even three pieces of the jigsaw on the table and into the right places. Slowly, but surely, you’re putting the jigsaw of ‘you’ back together again. You might have the odd day where you realise that you’ve put a piece of the landscape in the sky – but you’ll realise that it’s not in the right place within days and you’ll find the right place for it.

    Slowly but surely putting YOU together – stronger and stronger. the whole thing becomes because each piece supports the other pieces.

    You’re getting there Terry. You really are. All you have to do is keep looking forward – because that’s the way you’re going. ~ much love ~ Cobs. x

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    • Thanks so much for explaining it Cob. Others have talked to me about it but for some reason I really get it now. I keep telling myself I should be father along and then I get sad and angry because I am not. Thank you so much

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      • (((Terry))) – don’t beat yourself up for being who you are. You’re brilliant. You’re fantastic. But most of all … you’re getting there. One piece at a time.
        God Bless you my dear friend. I think you’re amazing . . . and so do an awful lot of other people. You only have to look at your blog to know that. ~ Cobs. x ❤

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  8. I wish you a day of no expectations of yourself. A day where you can cry or just rest. Grieving is a circular and jagged process. It isn’t 5 neat stages. Eventually, you will feel better. Just be easy on yourself. You deserve it and in it you are honoring your brother. How fortunate he was to have a sister like you. 🙂 I pray that you will get a job when the time is right and a vacation somehow, too!

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  9. oh terry you just need to be patient with yourself. we all move through grief in our own way. you have had so many losses and you have meshed your identity with caring for other’s without developing who you are. give yourself time my friend. be gentle with your sweet and loving spirit. sending love and warm hugs my friend

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    • I am really trying. I don’t know why I think that it should be over and done with. I guess I am afraid I will go into some form of depression and I don’t want that. If I am not smiling someone wants to know why? and says smile! Some days I just don’t want to smile. Hugs my friend

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      • some people need to hear that smiling is not always the answer. feeling the lose of your brother doesn’t have to lead to depression. be careful you are not “avoiding” depression and not fully grieving the way you need to.

        just take care of you my friend:)

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      • Thank you for caring. With writing the final chapter of my brother’s book last night, I cried most of the chapter, but when it was complete I felt different inside. I mourned through my writing. Now I am healing

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  11. Hi Terry, it will take as long as it takes. You can’t rush grief. It is there for a reason, I know. When my sister died, after long last I THOUGHT I had gotten over her. Then for an unknown reason, I lost it in the grocery store, and I as I drove home I could hardly see straight. So just a warning, sometimes grief comes back for just a little while. And NEVER believe that after a year you “should be over it”. That’s been spoken by people who just don’t know what it’s like to lose someone, and it definitely won’t be the same length of time on everyone’s calendar. But all I ask of you is that you be gentle with yourself. If someone you knew was experiencing grief, what would you do? Do that same thing for yourself. Grace and patience will be your greatest gifts right now. Know that all of us here at WordPress love you!

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