Dear brother,
I couldn’t help but think of you today. I kept remembering back to last year at this time. You were still able to ride your scooter. We had my son and his family here for a cook out and you chattered non-stop.
It got on my nerves and now I feel guilt over that, as I would give my right arm to hear you chatter again.
You watched the little ones doing their sparklers. I was able to take you to the lake and we watched the fireworks while we sat on the bleachers.
Why didn’t I memorize your smiles that night? Maybe I did. Maybe that is why my heart hurts for you tonight.
Have I told you how much I miss you today? If I somehow forgot, I miss you very much.
Do they have beautiful celebrations in heaven? Oh I bet they are more colorful than anything I can imagine.
The same family was here this year bud. We got started a little late but it was alright. The food on the grill tasted good as usual. I know you wouldn’t have eaten the same foods but you know I would have had whatever you wanted and could eat here for you.
The evening was spoiled but I swear I did everything in my power to make it a fun night. I ended up not seeing the fireworks. I didn’t get to see you either.
Now instead of sitting and helping get you cleaned up and ready for bed, I am sitting on my bed alone and crying for you.
I have not felt good for a few months Al. My feet are so sensitive and dry from my nerve damage. I find myself losing my grip. My fingers don’t remain still. My friend says my head tremors. I have noticed myself doing
this too.
My bones hurt and I am sore in so many places. Every day life is beginning to become a struggle. I wish you were here so I could have you to talk to bud.
Some day I am going to see you again then the lonely feelings will disappear. I wish I could change things, but there are some things I just can’t change. You already know this though don’t you? If I could have, I would have kicked MSA to the curb and you and I would have spent July 4th together. I love you brother
Who I am 
Hugs sweet Terry and you are so like that beautiful butterfly and the beauty of your heart lights up the world you dwell in.
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Ohhhh what a beautiful comment. I don’t know to say, but I can say thank you. Hugs my friend
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Your pain at missing your brother brings tears to my eyes but at the same time tells me to cherish every minute more that I have with my dear husband before MSA takes him as well. Hugs
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Thank you Linda. I don’t regret a thing I did while Al was here. All the hours, the putting myself aside while caring for him. I have wonderful memories today, but I still cry while thinking of them. It isn’t an easy task, taking care of someone 24/7, but it is a task worth doing. Love and hugs Linda
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Hugs from Spain. It is very hard to loose a brother, I have lost the two that I had. But we all will meet again. Meanwhile we must enjoy the life we have and create memories for those who stay behind, so someone will think of us and miss us as much as you think and miss your brother. Take care!
G
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Thank you so much Blue. Your words ring so true. I hope you are living that enjoyable life. I hope to do this too once I get through my pain of losing him
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Yes, it is too soon. But you’ll get there! I try every day, sometimes I forget and that’s ok too 🙂
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hugs for both of us
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You will remember it all when the time is right Terry. At the moment, your mind feels that you couldn’t cope with all the memories, so it is only allowing you to have a few at a time. Too many and you will break down, too few and you will feel even more lost. The mind has a great defence mechanism, and yours is working right now.
You will remember every July 4th, every Christmas, every Thanksgiving, every birthday, every day trip, but not until you can handle it. So don’t worry because you can’t remember it right now, it will all come back to you.
{{{HUGS}}}
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Thanks dear friend. I think you have a good point about the defense mechanism. Sometimes when I ponder on Al too much the tears flood and I have to turn away. I am having better days, but the void is still huge. Someone once told me the first of each holiday and birthdays are the hardest. I find this to be very true. Hugs my friend
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I have seen more than a few accidents in my life, a couple if which have resulted in the loss of life. The latest was about a month ago, although, that was more the aftermath than anything else. The first one that I remember, I know I watched the chimney fall. I know I watched it from the first creak to the final crash, but for years my mind would only play it like a recording missing the last part. I would watch it fall, crash through the awnings and then … a gap, and the aftermath. This happened in 1990. In 2011, the whole lot came back to me, no gaps, no breaks, the entire thing. And, although I wanted to run and vomit, I didn’t. My mind knew I could handle it. It knew I was ready to accept without falling apart. The same will happen with you. You will remember every smile, every laugh, every annoyance, every little bit. You have to trust yourself that your mind knows what it is doing.
I have heard that the first ones are true as well. They don’t get easier, they get easier to accept. Losing someone you love is something you will never get over, the edges just become less sharp.
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I understand. I am so glad we are friends and we are able to talk so easily. Thank you and hugs. There is hope and promise for me. You just showed me
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I can see the love in there again and again, many hugs Terry!
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He was a pretty special guy to me. We are lucky in life to be able to experience so many types of love aren’t we? I hope you are having a great weekend my friend. Sunshine, smiles, and being busy!
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each year you will have to pass by so many days like this…until finally you will make it with a smile…
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Right now I always fear a holiday coming and wish it to end quickly, but I understand what you are saying. With time, all things heal. I will be left with only wonderful memories. Thank you for walking into my life. Hugs
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still feel…it was God’s plan!
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Me too, it wasn’t like you were next door. Lol
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Such a sentimentally realistic one. Yes I can feel the pain.
Thank-you for sharing!
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Thank you so much Amara
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You are in my prayers. You did so much to make a beautiful time. Try to be compassionate on yourself. The butterfly is so beautiful!
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Thank you very much for the compliment and comment Ann. I so appreciate it
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Beautiful sentiment. Holidays are so tough, we can’t help but think of years past with our loved ones. No words can ease your pain, but your blog friends care about you.
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Yes, you are right. No words can ease the pain, but friends like you and many others on here can; and I am very grateful for this. Thank you Joy
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I remember this time last year Terry. It was hard and I know this holiday season is harder because of the silence you wish could be filled by Al. I’m a caretaker now and it can be so exhausting but you were there every minute for your brother, being careful to ‘not sit on God’ and I won’t forget your strength as it helps me get through my days now. Thank you Terry for just being you.
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You are so welcome. I can’t help but add; if you need me, if you need to vent or talk or anything, please write to me
tellmenolies2004@yahoo.com
I care, my dear friend
Through God we see light
It seems tough, a real fight
But we hold his hand
While we walk this land
For he knows it all
He won’t let us fall.
God loves us…….
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
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