“A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
I was looking at some quotes said by Albert Einstein and came across this one.
I tried to imagine how my life would be so different if I lived outside of myself. Could there possibly be two Terry’s in this world. Look exactly alike, but totally different views. What about you, can you play the game? Vision two of yourself? How would your days change?
For me, there is the one Terry who has stayed hidden within myself. Afraid to speak for fear of too many tears falling. A good example is today in fact. I had to go to the doctor for lab work. The technician always tries to embark me into conversation as she knows I get nervous. She asked me how I was doing and I instantly broke into tears. She gave me a hug and then one of the nurses came by and saw the scene I was causing and she gave me a hug. I was so glad to be able to leave and go back home and hide.
The other Terry would have hugged the idea to be able to speak to someone I consider a friend. She would have smiled big, talked to her about how I finished my book about my brother. Maybe I would have commented on the upcoming days with low humidity.
When I arrived home I kicked off my shoes and dug into cleaning. My daughter is arriving in my area late tonight and this does cause excitement to bubble up in me. I really didn’t see much to do as it is me living here and I don’t make messes, but I, out of habit, must always clean when company is arriving. I cleaned in quietness, and ate because my sugars were dropping and then laid down to nap.
The other Terry would have grasped the sunshine, grabbed my camera and went to the boardwalk to take photos. I would have inhaled all nature around me. I would have taken in all beauty and have been so wrapped up in my joy I would have lost track of time.
I have been trying hard not to stress; but it is easier said than done. I do know, without a doubt, that God has not allowed me to work. The reason being is I am not sure. I feel it deep within my bones that I am supposed to make a change; but what it is, I don’t know, so I keep praying and waiting.
The other Terry would be out there in the workforce world. She would be smiling and content as she would know, with no doubt, that the job she was doing was to benefit; not only herself but for others also. She knows herself, she holds her head up high. She walks with a step of confidence.
Somewhere inside myself I knew who I was, but am not sure any longer. I feel as if God has closed the chapter of my life as a caregiver. I don’t like being this way. There are deep, hidden values that I crave and want in my life, but I won’t go into those at this point.
Now all I have to do is figure out how to cleverly slide out of my old skin and slip into something more comfortable.