Most of you that follow my blog know that I have suffered emotionally ever since Al passed away. There are some days where it is a struggle to get dressed. I get up, but my motivation is on the lower side.
I have talked to my doctor and he is not worried about me. He says I am still in mourning. Every where I walk in my home I see Al, not literally, but emotionally. Taking care of another human being for seven year, every minute of each day, is a connection that I can not explain.
When I thought it would be easier because he was my brother and not a spouse, I was wrong. Although I have not lost a husband to death, divorce can relate to a death and even that was nothing like this.
Most days my mind is scrambled. Deep inside I know what I want, but I am the one, maybe common or not, that let others feelings and words affect my emotions and decisions. When I let this happen I become a wreck.
I have always been a person that doesn’t like to hurt others feelings. I will forgo my own interest and well-being to not upset anyone else. This along with wondering why I have not located a job, with all my years of experience has made me question myself at first; but then turn to God for answers.
I usually follow my instincts and tell myself if something isn’t happening, then God doesn’t want me to go down that path. Some may say I am nuts, but I believe God has everything to do with whether I work, or where it may be. In fact, I think if I listen hard enough, God will lead me always in the right direction.
Things have changed in my life for sure and lonliness has taken over big-time. I just am not happy anymore, and it is no fault of anyone. Circumstances, life changes, people moving in and out of my life have made me hide under my roof.
Today, it was different. Today, I was able to speak and I didn’t cry one time. Today, I didn’t think of Al. Today, I felt safe. I felt lighter on my feet, I wasn’t afraid to say the wrong thing. Today, my daughter was here to see me.
It was so nice to see her again. I hadn’t seen her since my brother’s funeral. I wish she didn’t live six hours away. I have the ability to make decisions. I can stand up on my own two feet, and I am going to, starting today. I saw some of that light today.