I Saw Some Light


Most of you that follow my blog know that I have suffered emotionally ever since Al passed away. There are some days where it is a struggle to get dressed. I get up, but my motivation is on the lower side.

I have talked to my doctor and he is not worried about me. He says I am still in mourning. Every where I walk in my home I see Al, not literally, but emotionally. Taking care of another human being for seven year, every minute of each day, is a connection that I can not explain.

When I thought it would be easier because he was my brother and not a spouse, I was wrong. Although I have not lost a husband to death, divorce can relate to a death and even that was nothing like this.

Most days my mind is scrambled. Deep inside I know what I want, but I am the one, maybe common or not, that let others feelings and words affect my emotions and decisions. When I let this happen I become a wreck.

I have always been a person that doesn’t like to hurt others feelings. I will forgo my own interest and well-being to not upset anyone else. This along with wondering why I have not located a job, with all my years of experience has made me question myself at first; but then turn to God for answers.

I usually follow my instincts and tell myself if something isn’t happening, then God doesn’t want me to go down that path. Some may say I am nuts, but I believe God has everything to do with whether I work, or where it may be. In fact, I think if I listen hard enough, God will lead me always in the right direction.

Things have changed in my life for sure and lonliness has taken over big-time. I just am not happy anymore, and it is no fault of anyone. Circumstances, life changes, people moving in and out of my life have made me hide under my roof.

Today, it was different. Today, I was able to speak and I didn’t cry one time. Today, I didn’t think of Al. Today, I felt safe. I felt lighter on my feet, I wasn’t afraid to say the wrong thing. Today, my daughter was here to see me.

It was so nice to see her again. I hadn’t seen her since my brother’s funeral. I wish she didn’t live six hours away. I have the ability to make decisions. I can stand up on my own two feet, and I am going to, starting today. I saw some of that light today.

 

grey cloud

45 thoughts on “I Saw Some Light

  1. I had the same grief when I lost my 6 yr old son months ago, so tough. It’s getting harder each day, missing the person, prayer is my only weapon each time I get weak and the support of the family. Sending you God’s love and strength. 🙂

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    • Thank you so much Nodz for sharing with me. There are times it is harder today than the three months ago when he passed. The numb feelings leave and then you have to deal with the pain, or at least that is how it is for me. Hugs my friend and so sorry for your loss

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  2. So happy your daughter was with you today and you had a good day.
    Sorry I have not been around much.
    My family is grieving the loss of our great grand daughter, Rebecka Jayne, who was born three months preemie, and who blessed us with her being for 6 hours before she got her wings.

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  3. Overcoming grief is a unique journey. Often, it’s made up of small steps forward. Congrats on being able to acknowledge the rough days, but also to take stock of a good day.
    My best wishes to you as you move forward.

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  4. Dear Terry, I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been absent on the blogs for a long time, and I have not even started to catch up yet, so I don’t know what’s been going on with everybody. I understand the feeling of loss and loneliness, and it’s something that you’ll have to work through, unfortunately, but I do hope you find someone to support you, and be there for you, as you have been there for Al.

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    • Support is a good thing, but I hesitate to take it as I don’t want to bring others down. It is alright that you have been absent with me. We all need a break from our thoughts. I find it hard to write anymore and force myself, knowing my writing is healing to me. Thank you Zelmore

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  5. terry i am so glad you were able to have a better day! I hope there are many more to come. sometimes we have to quiet all the voices and listen to that one true voice that speaks to our heart. you will find your path when it is time, for now just rememeber this day and how beautiful that light is:)

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    • That one day was wonderful for me. I wish it would last for a long time, but life moves on and faces fade. I am working to get past this mess I have placed myself in. You have a wonderful day my friend

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  6. It’s wonderful that you had a day like this. And there will be more. I think that sometimes you expect too much of yourself. If your doctor is not worried, you should take that as a good sign. These things take time, and the time can’t be rationalized or figured out. It just has to happen. You are doing well, and you will continue to do well as long as you relax and just let each day unfold.

    One idea about the motivation thing. Instead of hoping or expecting to feel motivated, make yourself a list of smallish things that you wish were getting done. Then in the evening, choose one, and only one to do the next day. When you get up, you don’t have to wait for motivation. You just do that one thing, and then you’re clear for the day. If motivation comes, great. If not, you’ve accomplished one thing that’s been bothering you. This technique has helped me many times. And while your situation is much worse than what I went through, it might be worth a try.

    Sending thoughts and prayers your way!

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    • That is a very good idea. I get bogged down with all the things I should be doing, but concentrating on one is much easier in my mind. Thank you very much

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  7. I saw this a little after I’d read your post, and thought it fit the moment. 

    Jeremiah 32:17 KJV

    Ah Lord God ! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee. 

    Sent from Samsung Mobile

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    • That is a very inspiring and comforting verse. I will never be actually alone but being in warm sunshine and away from this home with so many sad memories will help me. Hugs Kadeen

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      • Hugs to you too, Terry, and I hope the new journey you’re about to embark on gives you at least some of what you’ve been searching for. Take care♥♥♥

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      • You have always meant so much to me and I know I can count on you through this next chapter of my life. I have to keep the keyboard moving and the camera shooting. Hugs to you my friend

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