24 | July | 2014 | Who I am

Days are getting better but new ideas of writing are falling. I don’t like it but I think my mind is so much on blogging as it is on what do I need to get rid of so I don’t have to have the biggest U-Haul in the world.

My home is becoming a mess as I put things in boxes or make piles of do I keep or not. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? The more packed, the less messy look? I still have plenty of time before the truck rolls out, but with my sad days coming off and on and the pain that remains in my arm if I use it too often, I do a little bit or try to each day.

It will be different not living here. It will be odd not seeing the familiar every day when I wake up, but I get a little excited or maybe anxious as I think about the unknown ahead of me. I try to erase those thoughts out of my mind as I can lay out certain paths in my future and know that in time things will change.

A little extra sun can’t hurt and a lot less snow won’t kill me. Walking away from the sadness within my walls will do nothing more than help me heal faster. Last night I was watching TV in the dark as usual and I kept thinking or thought I was seeing a shadow out in the hall.

For a moment my heart began to speed up and then it suddenly turned to maybe it was Al checking up on me. I think about him every day. I find there is no real easy way to speed the healing but I know that I am well on my way.

I still can’t be in his room very long without tearing up. It is harder than hell to begin the process of removing his clothes; but I know I don’t need to be taking them with me. I realize I won’t be wearing them and I am sure someone needs them.

The first room I packed was his. There are boxes sitting in there now taped up erasing the figure of the Hospice bed. Most of his things are packed up that I am taking with me. Yet, I still see him. I guess I always will see him using his walker or wheelchair going through the rooms. I shall forever see his smile as he was excited about getting on the bus to go to Day Program. I can still hear his voice asking me if I had remembered to give him his money for snacks.

I can hear his voice so clear begging me to help him get to heaven. Even that tiny thought just now brought instant tears. Well bud, you got your wish. You are walking beside the King and you are pain-free; the two biggest requests you had before you left this earth.

Today, Al has been gone four months. A very quick time for him and a very slow time for me, but life is getting better. I can go a few days without tears falling. My mind thinks of you often brother, but I don’t fall apart quite as easily.

This home provided what we needed didn’t it brother? All the right doctors, a place for you to go to have fun and be with your friends, and I was able to take care of you the best way I knew how. My job is over as your caregiver, but my position as your sister will always remain.

So I know that you understand why I will be sad to say good-bye to this shall we called home and yet ready to leave. I am sure you already know brother, that I am following in some of your footsteps. I now have Parkinson’s Disease. Maybe you can share some thoughts with me on how you fought it so hard emotionally. I know I don’t have MSA along with it, but you were a tough cookie and you fought well. You held your emotions the best you could and I am so proud of you.

I will do my best too. I will fight this and keep you close to my heart along with my family for the support I will need and best of all brother, is I know you are saving me a spot right beside you, because you always said you would. I love you buddy, and I miss you terribly. Happy Anniversary on four months of no pain and being with God.